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New Year’s resolutions for politicians

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By
December 29, 2012 |

Some people say 2012 was a less-than-stellar year for our political system. Some people say it would be good if our favorite politicians made some New Year’s resolutions. Here are some suggestions.

President Barack Obama should resolve to smoke more cigars with House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio. The two men basically stopped talking as the fiscal cliff loomed. A few stogies – or Obama’s penchant for beer summits – might work.

Boehner should resolve to drink more of his favorite beverage, wine – with Obama. See above. He should also never mention Plan B again.

Vice President Joe Biden should resolve to stay off Sunday talk shows (you remember when he pre-empted the president’s policy change on gay marriage on “Meet the Press”) – unless it’s U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice’s turn to speak for the administration.

Rice should resolve to pay no attention to CIA talking points. About anything.

Former President Bill Clinton should resolve to stop speculating on whether his wife Hillary will run for president in 2016 and just say, well, duh, of course she’s going to run.

Outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resolve to stick to one hairstyle so we’ll stop talking about how it changes daily.

Incoming Secretary of State John Kerry should do something to spice up his boring demeanor. Perhaps he should change his hairstyle.

Tea partiers should resolve to stop pretending and just admit: Yes, we don’t care if the nation goes into default and stops paying its debts and causes the markets to crash and the economy to falter. Just so Obama gets the blame.

Democrats should resolve to stop pretending and just admit: Yes, we want elderly people who vote our party line to get higher and higher Social Security and Medicare benefits until the piggy bank is empty.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie should resolve to keep being snarky to anyone who questions his motives, his weight, his conservative credentials or his handshakes with Obama. It seems to work for him.

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush should stop being coy and statesmanlike and admit: Yes, I should be the next president. I couldn’t possibly be worse than my brother. Besides, what’s not to like about another Clinton-Bush race?

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., should continue to knock John Boehner as a cog in the wheel: Yes, I’m the only one who can make a deal with his colleagues. (I’m also the only Mormon in a top leadership role these days now that what’s-his-name who didn’t even want to be president is gone.)

Departed CIA director and four-star Gen. David Petraeus, considering a number of book proposals, should resolve to participate in no more biographies that turn into career-busters. And not even think of running for president.

“Meet the Press” host David Gregory, in hot water for airing a high-capacity magazine the possession of which is against the law in the District of Columbia where the weekly political show is filmed, should resolve to stick to questions and forget props.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry should resolve to learn about the various departments of government, especially those he wants to eliminate. And he should resolve to never, ever again run for president just because he has never had a bad hair day.

Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., Mitt Romney’s running mate and likely presidential candidate in 2016, should resolve never to talk about fiscal cliffs, debt limits, rape (legitimate or otherwise) or what exactly was in Romney’s proposed budget.

Perpetual gadfly Newt Gingrich should resolve to stop shopping at Tiffany’s and occasionally turn to his (current) wife Callista and muss up her hair.

Sen. Scott Brown, R-Mass., who may run for John Kerry’s Senate seat after losing to long-shot Elizabeth Warren in a race that cost a total of $85 million, should resolve to stop goading her about not having enough Native American blood.

Montana Democrat Sen. Jon Tester, a farmer / meat butcher who barely won re-election after touting his image as a tough guy who made his living using a gun for 25 years, should resolve to show more of his feminine side and music-teacher background.

Scripps Howard columnist Ann McFeatters has covered the White House and national politics since 1986. Email amcfeatters@nationalpress.com.

Ann McFeatters

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