Monday, September 1, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

When does helping become enabling?

price column sig

By
From page A8 | July 12, 2014 |

Parents who have allowed their children to live with them until those children have children in high school.

A mother who still makes her grown son’s bed and does his laundry.

Putting up your home as collateral to bail a drug-addicted relative out of jail multiple times.

Are these actions aiding or enabling? How do you know when we are doing so much for someone you care about that it actually does them more damage than good?

As a parent and youth service worker, I have raised or served at least two generations of youth. In doing so, I have also seen a shift in the way youth are raised. There is the tough-love generation and the nurturing generation. Some also refer to the differences as old school and new school.

The 1970s consisted of a generation who experienced tough love. Once you hit 18, your parents started expecting you to be out of the house or on your way. If not, you were helping to pay the rent or mortgage if you still lived at home. It was mandatory that you took care of the household responsibilities, such as washing dishes or cutting the grass. It was expected of you to contribute to your household and earn your keep until you could obtain enough financial stability to move into your own place.

By the time you were 21, you were on your own and independent. This meant you could provide your own housing, food and transportation.

I am definitely an advocate of the tough-love generation. Forget about age, if any of my children even grows taller than me, it’s time for them to move. Being that I’m only 5 feet 8 inches tall, the clock starts ticking for them in middle school.

The current generation has an alarming increase of permanent dependents and boomerang kids. We have children who never leave the nest, or those who leave for a while and come back.

I have encountered individuals with grown children still living at home, who are working but not paying bills. In speaking to the parents, they maintain that they are allowing their son or daughter to save money and build a nice nest egg to get them started. The issue is that there is usually no accountability and the temporary situation becomes a long-term burden for the parents.

Many youth who are in this situation fail to gain the personal growth and independent living skills to grow into a responsible person. So you now have an individual who is delayed in their personal development and adulthood. Some youth who I have recently spoken to are simply taking advantage of the generosity of their parents.

I mentor a 23-year-old who lives with his mother and has a job, but pays no rent or bills. She bought him a car and even pays his car insurance. I’m not sure what he is doing with his money, but he wears the latest overpriced footware and just paid $449 for the new PlayStation 4 video console. When I heard this, my mouth was open with shock. I paid $400 for my first car, a 1972 Volkswagen.

To add some perspective, I understand that conditions are much more difficult for today’s young adults. Housing and the cost of living has tripled in the past 25 years. The cost of education is insultingly high. It’s unrealistic to expect a 24-year-old new college grad to obtain gainful employment that pays enough for him to afford decent housing, when he more than likely will also have more than $100,000 in student loan debt.

Everyone needs a little help, but remember, there is a fine line between helping and hindering.

Deon D. Price is an author and youth life-skills coach who lives in Fairfield. Reach him at Thisyouthgeneration@gmail.com or www.twitter.com/youthgeneration.

LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 4 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Tax PayerJuly 12, 2014 - 5:30 am

    Deon, you are so right. Parents today coddle there kids and don't understand that it doesn't benefit them in the long run. Tough love is the way to go, unfortunately not in most cases today.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • DeonJuly 12, 2014 - 8:57 am

    Absolutely, the proof is in the results of the products of old school parenting; a more responsible generation of adults. Thanks for reading

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • JagJuly 12, 2014 - 7:59 am

    I think we are not teaching kids today how to cope with issues, when a child has a problem in school or is a little bit slower learner then other kids the first thing they want to do it put the child on a drug, when my son was 18 he came home and said his girlfriend was moving in with us, (my son no longer live in my house) I now have a 19 year old daughter who is going to be a dentist guess what? Those student loans will be in her name, I will help her as much as I can but I am not putting my retirement on the line. Good job Deon

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • DeonJuly 12, 2014 - 9:04 am

    Jag, I know it was probably a challenge to turn away your son. We are emotionally attached to our children which sometimes clouds our judgment. Thanks for mentioning the issue of youth on subscribed drugs. It's actually going to be my next column topic. It's really having a negative effect on their adult lives. I appreciate your response. Thanks for reading.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

 
Highway 12 project nears completion

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1, 3 Comments | Gallery

‘Snail mail’ still kinda cool

By Tony Wade | From Page: A2

 
Senior center schedules discussion on senior travel

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

Local government schedule meetings

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

 
 
Car club raises funds, supplies for SPCA

By Ian Thompson | From Page: A3

 
Democrats plan candidates meet, greet

By Glen Faison | From Page: A3, 1 Comment

 
Stand Up 2 Cancer Viewing party set in Vacaville

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

Goodwill opens Outlet Store in Fairfield

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A7, 2 Comments | Gallery

 
Premier post details of new lease

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A7

 
Il Fiorello to host jazz event

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A7, 1 Comment

 
New doctors join NorthBay

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A7

Small earthquakes shake Solano

By Glen Faison | From Page: A9

 
.

Opinion

Is social media enlarging or stifling democracy?

By Cynthia M. Allen | From Page: A8

 
Compromise on Cordelia Road rail crossing costs

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 4 Comments

Justice for all

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 9 Comments

 
Good job, Susan Winlow

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 2 Comments

Editorial Cartoon: Sept. 1, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
 
Whopper of a tax dodge for Burger King

By Mike Kirchubel | From Page: A8, 26 Comments

.

Living

Community Calendar: Sept. 1, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

 
Today in History: Sept. 1, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

Horoscopes: Sept. 1, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: B5

 
Is my husband right when he says men aren’t made for monogamy?

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: B5

 
Horoscopes: Sept. 2, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: B7

.

Entertainment

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A5

 
5 takeaways from a punch-less summer box office

By Jake Coyle | From Page: A11

Joan Rivers’ daughter: I’m keeping fingers crossed

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

.

Sports

Kahne holds off Kenseth to win Atlanta shootout

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Wozniacki outlasts Sharapova, in US Open quarters

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Falcons looking to be defensive

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Source: 49ers OL Boone agrees to new 2-yr deal

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
49er Ray McDonald accused of domestic violence

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1, 1 Comment | Gallery

Sam clears waivers, meets with Fisher

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
FC Kansas City wins NWSL title over Seattle, 2-1

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Raiders claim DE Mayowa off waivers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Jensen waived after Jaguars awarded TE Shuler

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Otto wins Italian Open; Gallacher comes up short

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Weather for Monday, Sept. 1, 2014

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B2

Henley takes a 1-shot lead at Deutsche Bank

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Dunn dealt to A’s, could be his last shot playoffs

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Fred Couples wins Champions Tour event

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
A’s frustrated after 8-1 loss caps sweep by Angels

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

Ernst wins LPGA’s Portland Classic in playoff

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Giants power past Brewers 15-5 for 3-game sweep

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

Down at half, US beats Turkey in basketball worlds

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Source: Chiefs’ Smith agrees to 4-yr extension

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Tony Stewart’s return to race track ends early

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
This date in sports history for Monday, Sept. 1, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
.

Business

.

Obituaries

Laurie Danielson Bailey

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4, 2 Comments

 
Hazel Gertrude Wamsley

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

Jerry Lee Trammell

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4, 6 Comments

 
.

Comics

B.C. Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Get Fuzzy Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Frank and Ernest Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Dilbert Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Zits Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Pickles Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Wizard of Id Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Garfield Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4, 1 Comment

Sally Forth Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
For Better or Worse Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Baby Blues Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Peanuts Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Blondie Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Rose is Rose Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Baldo Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Beetle Bailey Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Cryptoquote Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Word Sleuth Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

Sudoku Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Crossword Sept 1

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

Dilbert Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Wizard of Id Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

For Better or Worse Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Sally Forth Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Peanuts Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Blondie Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Rose is Rose Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Get Fuzzy Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

B.C. Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Baldo Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Garfield Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Frank and Ernest Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Zits Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Crossword Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

Cryptoquote Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Sudoku Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

Bridge Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Word Sleuth Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7