Saturday, November 22, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Maybe I’m not living right

wade kelvin column sig copy

By
From page A7 | April 03, 2014 |

I have a confession to make: I’m afraid of lightning.

The rain we’ve been getting leaves me conflicted. Yes, we need it and I love the rain, just not the 1.21 gigawatt bolts of death and destruction that often come along with it.

Just this week, an Alaska Airlines jet was struck by lightning at Oakland International Airport. In Sausalito, a lightning bolt split a redwood in two and shattered the windows of two homes. And in Berkeley, a woman was struck while crossing the street. She survived with no serious injuries but has been left with a metallic taste in her mouth. Yikes.

Maybe my fears started when lightning struck a telephone pole in front of our house and split a huge chunk of it off. When I saw what lightning could do, it was hide-under-my-bed-time.

Growing up, I was horrified by the story of Roy Sullivan, the Virginia park ranger who was struck by lightning seven times and survived, only to kill himself later. The fact that he was from Virginia and I was born in Virginia added to my fear. I know it’s irrational. Don’t judge me.

When I was a kid, my mom used to say, “The reason you’re afraid is because you ain’t livin’ right. Be sure your sins will find you out!” Wow. Mom, you could’ve gone the “everything is going to be all right” route instead of getting all Old Testament on me.

My fears didn’t end when I became an adult. In fact during big thunderstorms, I used to grab both beagles (who shared my fear) and we’d kind of hang out in the bathroom reading books and chilling until the storm passed. (They were avid readers.)

Once during a thunderstorm, my friend Chumly called me on the phone. I told him to talk fast because I was on a corded phone and it wasn’t safe. (It’s not!) He asked if he could borrow my Olympic barbell and I told him yes. But then he asked me to bring it down to his house. He only lived two doors down, but there was no way I was carrying a 7-foot metal pole down the street in a lightning storm. I’d end up a candidate for the Darwin Award.

You people trying to discourage folks from buying lottery tickets, saying people are more likely to be struck by lightning than win, are not helping. Yes, it’s true. The odds of winning California Super Lotto Plus are 1-in-41,416,353 while your odds of being nuked by the heavens is 1-in-750,000.

According to the National Weather Service, 60 people are killed every year by lightning strikes. Reading their website about what to do if caught outdoors in a thunderstorm is not comforting at all.

“There are NO SAFE PLACES outdoors.” “We don’t recommend (using) the crouch because it will not significantly lower your risk of being killed or injured . . .” “Can lightning strike me when I’m indoors? YES!” So what to do? “Apply barbecue sauce liberally to skin and wait!” OK, I made up that last sentence.

It’s raining while I’m writing this so I’m going to get away from this computer and hunker down somewhere with a book. Incidentally, the book I’m reading is one of my favorites.

“Lightning,” by Dean Koontz. Peace.

Kelvin Wade is the author of “Morsels” Vols. I and II and lives in Fairfield. Email him at kelvinjwade@aol.com.

LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 14 comments

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  • Tony WadeApril 03, 2014 - 7:21 am

    That was freakin' hilarious!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • CD BrooksApril 03, 2014 - 8:19 am

    The movie Great Outdoors and 66 times, classic!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • I heard that If U wear tight white pants U R safe from Lighting StrikesApril 03, 2014 - 11:37 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv7Ts4v5_Bs

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Sorry.. I can't stop myselvesApril 03, 2014 - 12:05 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4-nCfoIIEQ

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • ELECTRIC BOOGIE by Marcia GriffithsApril 03, 2014 - 12:19 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-9hmKAGOgU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Bob Marley Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright LYRICSApril 03, 2014 - 12:26 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYCpWblDKok

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • But then again If U R Not Careful .. U could end up Fried... U Chicken?April 03, 2014 - 12:30 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NA3SYgNzdE

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • NFSD... Nevermind U Bring me SunshineApril 03, 2014 - 12:55 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4JQoSD_AsM

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Now for some Slack KeyApril 03, 2014 - 12:57 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFwUyg7m1KI

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Keola Beamer - E Ku'u Morning Dew fromApril 04, 2014 - 9:58 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtawSgeS30g&list=PL93B6EFBC4A1B362D

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • E Ku'u Morning DewApril 04, 2014 - 10:03 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhZouadYJMU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Sweet Dreams...Cindy Combs - Whispering Hope from her album Slack Key LadyApril 04, 2014 - 10:15 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfwy77ogxJs&list=PL93B6EFBC4A1B362D

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Hui Aloha - Steal AwayApril 04, 2014 - 10:18 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWl2iLn0CPg&list=PL93B6EFBC4A1B362D

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Cat MoyApril 03, 2014 - 1:34 pm

    Try one of those thunder jackets used for dogs. It gives a feeling of security. And your arms are free to read. (:

    Reply | Report abusive comment
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