Thursday, November 20, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Another Wade Christmas is in the books

wade kelvin column sig copy

By
From page A7 | December 27, 2012 |

Another Wade-style Christmas is in the books. Brace yourselves. I admit I have a screw or two loose. There’s something about Christmas that brings out the prankster in my brothers and me.

To a kid, Christmas is a time of wonderment and presents they’ve been wanting for a long time. My friend Nedra Polk posted a picture of her son Omari on Facebook that perfectly captures the wonder of a child on Christmas morn. There he is, holding his Christmas presents with his eyes sparkling and a smile so big it’s bursting off his face.

In my family, opening a gift is sometimes met with a feeling of dread. In Christmases past, we’ve seen half-eaten hamburgers, Monkey breath, various Barbies, chocolate cakes, love letters from pets and cat poo given as gifts. We’ve also seen a fair amount of regifting.

I once achieved the regifting record by surreptitiously opening a gift my sister-in-law Patty gave me and wrapping it in a new box and secretly giving it back to her minutes later. At first she thought we’d given each other the same gift. She didn’t realize I’d literally given her her own gift back.

So what to do? I actually came up with the main idea for this Christmas shortly after last Christmas. When I spotted it online, it looked so ridiculous and over the top that I knew I had to have it. Cathi, my significantly better half, who is burdened by things like decorum and taste, thought it was a horrible idea. That’s because she was never a seventh-grade boy.

I knew that my brother Orvis had to be the recipient of the gift because it was a natural fit for him. I bought it and it sat in my bottom drawer for almost a year. On Christmas Eve, I pulled it out of the box and “assembled” it. Once it was assembled it was probably two feet long and a foot-and-a-half high. Wrapping it would be hard because it was an odd shape. The box would have to be very large.

I found such a box and when we carried it into Tony’s house on Christmas, all eyes were upon it. It was the largest box in the room yet was suspiciously light. There was also no name tag on it.

We joined hands in prayer and had a wonderful dinner of turkey, stuffing, ham, macaroni and cheese and collard greens. While I, of course, ate like someone who exemplified Miss Manners’ dining rules, my family’s appalling assault on the spread looked like the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on the Fourth of July.

After dinner, as we start opening gifts, I saw that I was receiving what just might be the worst gifts ever. An inflatable emergency brain, a huge snow globe warning of Y2K and adult diapers. Meanwhile, I gifted Patty with a collectible kitchen magnet that she scoffed at. And I gave Beth a beautiful brand new flag that she casually dismissed. What gives?

OK, so it was an old Aunt Jemima magnet with her saying, “My secret recipe dat makes dese de world’s most famous pancakes is already mixed in every box!” And maybe the flag I gave Beth was a Confederate battle flag. The look on Tony’s face was priceless!

After all of the gifts were opened, I told Orvis that the big box in the corner was his.

He opened it with much anticipation and pulled out . . . the Love Ewe Inflatable Party Sheep. Google it. There was riotous laughter, Cathi’s embarrassment for even knowing me and questions about where it came from, probably coupled with Tony and Beth regretting having me over.

That’s how we do it. We had a great time and I hope you and your family did too. (And Orvis took the Love Ewe home. Something tells me I might see it again.) Peace.

Kelvin Wade is a writer/author. Reach him at kelvinjwade@aol.com.

LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 2 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

 
Solano cheerleaders travel to NYC for holiday parade

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A1 | Gallery

Let’s honor veterans throughout year

By Mayrene Bates | From Page: A2

 
Suisun City Hall critic takes town to task over residential ‘junkyard’

By Ian Thompson | From Page: A3Comments are off for this post

 
Lawyers outline strategy in Fairfield homicide case

By Jess Sullivan | From Page: A3

 
 
 
NAACP chapter to conduct officer elections

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A4

 
Sport Chalet offers underwater photos with Santa

By Susan Hiland | From Page: B5

Nut Tree to donate vintage barn doors to ReStore

By Susan Winlow | From Page: B5

 
Fairfield police log: Nov. 18, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

Suisun City police log: Nov. 18, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10, 5 Comments

 
Weather for Nov. 20, 2014

By Daily Republic | From Page: B10

.

US / World

Analyst: No ‘fiscal cliff’ when tax hikes end

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Tuition hikes tentatively approved in California

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 1 Comment

Police: Gunman killed after shooting at FSU

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Obama to announce immigration action Thursday

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 36 Comments

Cuban couple keeps rodents called hutias as pets

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2, 1 Comment

 
Self-driving cars: safer, but what of their morals

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4, 2 Comments

5 children in San Jose home with barricade man

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Berkeley OKs plan for gas-pump climate change labels

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

First of 3 storms douses fields, delays flights

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Police: Man crawled into sunken car, saved baby

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 3 Comments

CDC chief drops worst-case Ebola estimate

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Vets’ moms to Congress: Boost suicide prevention

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 1 Comment

Buffalo area hit with epic snow – with more coming

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 1 Comment

 
Right-to-die advocate’s video out after death

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 4 Comments

Early statin use may give long-term heart benefits

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Health system reveals hospital gown to cover rears

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 1 Comment

N. Korea threatens to beef up military capability

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 1 Comment

 
Colombian girl’s dad had her swallow cocaine caps

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 1 Comment

New Kurdish offensive targets Islamic State group

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
US airstrike hits al-Qaida-held town in Syria

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Hotel charges couple for negative review of it

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
New US ambassador has tough job in Moscow

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Military leader becomes Burkina Faso prime minster

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 1 Comment

 
CERN scientists discover 2 new subatomic particles

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Kerry in diplomatic overdrive on Iran nuclear deal

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
.

Opinion

 
Gambling on Proposition 47

By Kelvin Wade | From Page: A7, 5 Comments

How and why the GOP won

By Jennifer Rubin | From Page: A7, 12 Comments

 
.

Living

Today in History: Nov. 20, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: Nov. 20, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Horoscopes: Nov. 20, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

 
My lady’s mother doesn’t like me and wants me to move out

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Library honoring Billy Joel with pop music prize

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Motown singer Jimmy Ruffin dies at age 78

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Multiple fractures for Bono in NY bicycle accident

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Auction of Presley items set for January

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
.

Sports

 
Brooks apologizes to 49ers for harsh words

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Chiefs look to avoid letdown vs. winless Raiders

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Carrie, Rogers out for Raiders with injuries

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Butler and A’s finalize $30 million, 3-year deal

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
NFL fines Lynch $50,000 for not speaking to media

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

NASCAR’s Kurt Busch meets with investigators

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Rudy Gay happy to be with Sacramento Kings

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Union, NFL at odds over personal conduct policy

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
NBA suspends Hornets’ Jeffery Taylor 24 games

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Stanton signs record $325M deal at news conference

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Nothing settled going into LPGA Tour finale

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Collins, NBA’s 1st openly gay player, to retire

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

.

Business

US stocks drift lower after release of Fed minutes

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

 
Automakers debut key models at L.A. Auto Show

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

Yahoo replaces Google as Firefox’s default search

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5, 1 Comment

 
Showdown looms between US gov’t, air bag maker

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

Obama picks NTSB member as new auto safety chief

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

 
JetBlue to add bag fees on cheapest tickets

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5, 1 Comment

.

Obituaries

.

Comics

Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9