Did you see that piece of feminist propaganda in the paper this week? It seems there are now more women drivers than men – which is fine.
But the story also said that fact means that our roads will be safer with more fuel-efficient cars.
Safer? I about spit out my coffee as I read that while weaving through traffic.
It’s a ridiculous stereotype that women are safer drivers than men. Because being “safer” sometimes means reacting like a cat.
Like that time that I almost smashed into the back of Mrs. Brad’s car – which I was following in my gas-guzzling Monte Carlo – because I was busy looking down to change radio stations.
Do you think a woman driver would have been able to slam on the brakes as fast as I did? Probably not.
And that’s not the only time that my machismo helped me behind the wheel. There have been dozens.
There was the time when I was about 20 and got pulled over for making an illegal pass on Highway 101 in Humboldt County. Well, the highway patrolman thought I was making an unsafe pass, but it was important for me – as a man – to correct his misjudgment.
“I wasn’t making an illegal pass, officer,” I told him. “I was falling asleep at the wheel.”
Here’s the manly part: A woman might have cried after getting the lecture I received. I just got embarrassed. And it made me fully awake, so it was safer.
A woman also might not have handled the lecture and ticket I got another time for cruising through a crosswalk while someone was still in it. In fact, Mrs. Brad wasn’t happy at all, but I took the withering criticism from the police officer like a man.
And do you think your typical woman driver would have been able to navigate the streets of Fairfield with a radiator exploding and a hideous grinding noise coming from beneath the hood? Perhaps not – but I did, after getting stuck in traffic with my 1988 Hyundai that could only drive 10 minutes before overheating. I pulled it into the Daily Republic parking lot and called a tow truck. Think a woman would do that? Think again.
Do you think the typical woman driver would have handled it as well as I did when my hood flew open, shattered my windshield and remained pinned there while I was driving on Interstate 80? I doubt it.
Sure, you could make a case that a woman driver would never have used a bungee cord to replace a hood latch, but that’s just second-guessing.
Kind of like the second-guessing by Mrs. Brad when we were driving north on Interstate 5 and I started drifting into the bumps that separate the lanes.
“What are you doing?” she shrieked. (OK, she probably just asked).
“Oh. I saw a sign that said (the city of) ‘Artois,’ ” I explained. “I was saying it over and over in my head: Ar-twaaaa . . . Ar-twaaaa . . . Ar-twaaaa . . .”
She told me to pull over at the next exit and took over behind the wheel.
Women are so emotional. I think it makes them dangerous drivers.
I mean, most women would probably quit driving after getting 10 tickets. I didn’t.
I kept driving, because I’m a man.
Reach Brad Stanhope at 427-6958 or firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/bradstanhope.