If I wanted to breathe cigarette smoke, I would have been a camel, not a dog!
Get it? That’s hilarious! It’s howwwwwwwlingly funny! (Even though I’m not sure what it means.)
Hey! Hey! Hey! How’s it going? In case you don’t remember me, my name is Brandy and I’m Brad Stanhope’s dog. I don’t really remember you, although your scent is familiar. Can I sniff closer? Don’t mind my nose, it’s just how I . . . hey! I remember you!
Do you remember me? Or did I already ask? I get confused sometimes, like when a squirrel – or is it a chipmunk? – runs along the fence. Where does it go?
Wait. There’s a bird on the lawn. I’m going to . . . sneak over here . . . and . . . Nevermind. It took off – which is good, because I didn’t really want to catch it. The hunt is more fun than the meal, am I right?
Anyhoo, I’m substituting for Brad because I heard that a study recently revealed that secondhand smoke can cause lung and nasal cancer in dogs and malignant lymphoma in cats.
I don’t really care about cats – they probably steal and smoke cigarettes, since they’re totally untrustworthy – but I think it’s time . . .
More birds! Let me chase . . . and they’re gone! Just like that. I wonder what it would be like to fly. I bet I could fly better than most of the birds. And imagine landing in a tree! I’m talking about some real bark!
Get it? Bark? That kind of joke makes all my neighborhood pals howl. (Even though I don’t really know what it means.)
Anyway, back to the smoking study. This is terrible news for those of us who live with smokers.
It reminds me of a dog I knew when I was a pup. His name was Smokey and it was appropriate. His human smoked like a . . . whatever you call that brick tower that smokes a lot occasionally. Barbecue? Fireplace? Chimney? I don’t understand some human words, but Smokey always smelled like cigarettes.
And he wheezed a lot, although that could have been . . . Wait . . .
GET OUT OF MY YARD!
OK. Sorry, but that squirrel has an attitude problem. I just wish nuts caused some sort of illness. Maybe they can make him crazy. Get it? Nuts? Crazy? Hoooooooowl! (Even though I don’t really know what that means.)
Anyhoo, back to Smokey. His human smoked so much that Smokey smelled like a pack of Benson and Hedges – and it was funny, because his family’s name was Benson and they had hedges. So what was my point?
Oh yeah! Smokey smelled like smoke. That’s crazy. (Even though I’m not sure what that means.)
But on a serious note, I wonder if Smokey maybe didn’t “go to the farm.” Maybe he bought the farm, if you know what I mean. I hope so, because I’m unclear. Do you want to pet me anyway?
Oh, this: It’s bad enough that we can’t crawl on furniture and aren’t supposed to eat human food. We have to drink water out of a gross bowl and humans yell at us when we’re just having a neighborhood party with other dogs.
But now we find out that their cigarettes can give us cancer, too?
Just thinking about that makes me growl. Because unlike cats, we don’t get nine lives.
That’s not Kool. I’m going to take that up with Parliament! Get it? (Good, because I don’t really know what that means.)
Reach Brad Stanhope, Brandy’s owner, at 427-6958 or firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/bradstanhope.