Why are we having a problem sleeping?
Insomnia is a pain in the neck. A lot of you know what I’m talking about. Lack of sleep can cause serious health problems and over the past decade, there’s been a huge increase of this curse.
But what causes insomnia?
Lucky for you, I have a few answers to that, because according to this column, there’s been a $400 billion government study to determine exactly what is the cause of this malady: Why can’t people sleep?
For some of us, it comes down to a lack of comfort. It isn’t easy to get good rest on an old, stained, stinky, lumpy mattress. Or if your waterbed sprang a leak last month, it’s not pleasant to sleep in a puddle, is it? Some of you have to deal with creepy neighbors who like to peek in your bedroom late at night. That makes falling asleep very difficult. I’m really sorry about that, but I have insomnia and it seems to help me get to sleep.
For the most part, it all comes down to having an overactive mind. You’re thinking about too many things and this is what the expensive government study targeted. For instance, on the list of top three reasons for insomnia, No. 3 was that people were worried about global warming. I don’t have that problem, as I have welcomed the hot weather. To me, global warming means more ice cream trucks and I am very cool with that (no pun intended).
Personally, I do occasionally lie awake at night while wondering if Taylor Swift is ever going to write a mean song about our breakup back in April. She’s like that, you know? I could go on about her, but I know she reads this column, so I’ll just leave it at that. Text me, Boo.
According to this column, No. 2 on this massive waste of government money was the fact that people couldn’t sleep because of the government’s ongoing intrusion into our lives. Most of them gave the reason that the NSA is collecting all of our personal data by gaining access to all of our Internet files by simply figuring out our amazingly simple passwords. According to the study, the password “Bieber21″ was the most popular, accessing them to almost 24 million email accounts.
Locally, I’ve heard that the good citizens in the Fairfield/Suisun area have lain awake, staring at the ceiling on Tuesday nights, wondering why their newspaper wasn’t on the front porch that morning (yeah, like the newspaper delivery person actually hit your front porch, right? More like it was under your truck in the driveway, or under the Nasturtiums along the side of the house). And concerning newspapers, some people still lose sleep wondering just where the Bloom County comic strip went. For that matter, where did The Far Side go? Great! I hope I can sleep tonight . . . .
For some, perhaps that owl in the tree outside your window who seems to be auditioning to be a dancehall reggae singer is keeping you awake. For kids, it’s always the boogeyman under the bed (who always seems to resemble Flava Flav). Some people lay awake at night wondering if the love triangle that they’re in is a right angle, or obtuse, because the sum of the pleasure of any two sides is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypotenuse of said angle. It’s math, folks, and sometimes math keeps us awake at night.
Some people find it difficult to sleep because they get too much sleep at work.
A few people lie awake at night wondering if the bodies they hid will ever be found.
Naturally, if you eat or drink too much stuff that has caffeine, like coffee, tea or haggis, you’ll have a tough time sleeping.
Sometimes I just don’t want to sleep because my dreams are too boring. Take last night for instance. I dreamed that I was a giant sock puppet that resembled Conway Twitty and I was riding on a Segway while eating lab-grown hot dogs and throwing empty mayonnaise jars at a bunion named Larry.
No. 1 on the government’s $400 billion study as to why people have insomnia, was that people were actually losing sleep because the government was spending $400 billion to find out why they were losing sleep. That is, according to this column anyway.
I just hope I can get some sleep tonight. I just have to convince myself that having Taylor Swift write an angry song about our breakup isn’t such a bad thing after all.
Miss you, Boo. Call me . . . .
You can contact CW Plunkett at firstname.lastname@example.org.