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What happened to Flight 370? I have some theories

By From page A2 | April 06, 2014

It’s one of the greatest puzzles of the past century, ranking with the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, the identity of the Zodiac killer and the continuing popularity of country music: What happened to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370?

The governments of the world want us to believe their story – that it crashed somewhere in the Indian Ocean with no survivors.

Sure, that works for most people, but not for an intrepid columnist who has seen enough movies to know that something else really happened.

What? Well, I’m not sure, but I have six theories:

Theory 1: The plane broke through the time-space continuum, landing in 1814 in a place where something of historical significance was taking place, since that’s what happens in movies.

The leading candidate? New Orleans, where Col. Andrew Jackson was leading the American army against the British, who were hoping to take back their former colony.

Ever wonder how the outmanned U.S. Army defeated the Brits? Maybe a huge airplane landed in an area populated by the Brits, who broke away in a dead sprint and ran down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico, as reported in the song “Battle of New Orleans,” which is responsible for everything I know about that event.

Theory 2: It’s simple when you think about it – it was a Malaysian Airlines plane. Mal means bad. Asia means Asia. What’s the baddest Asian country right now? North Korea.

Boom. The plane is in North Korea.

Theory 3: The plane never existed. This is an elaborate gag, using computer-generated images, special graphics, hand puppets and some cunning mimics.

Had you heard of Flight 370 before it “disappeared?” Nope. Me neither.

In the age of social media stunts and attempts to sway public opinion, might some group be using this to promote a new TV show or website? Would you be surprised if the plane is suddenly “found” and the “passengers” are the first guests on a new late-night TV show or a pay-to-view website? Flight 370? Come on. IT WILL BE SHOWN ON CABLE CHANNEL 370, PEOPLE!

Theory 4: Christopher Columbus was wrong – the Earth is flat. For years, pilots and ship captains participated in a mass conspiracy about a “round world” by telling passengers that they could “circumnavigate the globe” and that China, for instance, is on “the other side of the world” from the United States.

The reality? The Earth is flat. And the pilot of Flight 370 – like dozens of captains of ships in the Middle Ages – simply went off the edge.

Theory 5: Industrial espionage. After 100 years, surviving railroad and passenger ship tycoons had enough and decided to “send a message” to the upstart aviation industry.

A flight disappears. The mystery deepens. Passengers are afraid that it might happen to them. What comes next? Suddenly, people are using railroads and huge ships to travel across the country and across oceans. And somebody who looks like the Monopoly man sits in his big leather chair, rubs his hands together and contemplates the next step.

Theory 6: While flying over the vast emptiness of the Indian Ocean, Flight 370 suffered major mechanical failure and was forced to land on a deserted island, where seven lonely castaways resided.

The castaways were on a three-hour tour that went horribly awry and lived on the island for years, led by an angry skipper and a smart scientist.

Once everyone was safe, the castaways and the passengers began working on an escape plan that involved coconuts, an exercise bike and a clothesline. Ultimately, the passengers will be rescued, but the castaways will be left to hear the latest stock market news on a transistor radio.

Reach Brad Stanhope at 427-6958 or [email protected] Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/bradstanhope.
Brad Stanhope

Brad Stanhope

Brad Stanhope is a former Daily Republic editor. He began his career at the DR in the last millennium. He spent 24 years as a sports editor, associate editor and news editor before leaving the Daily Republic in 2014. Brad lives in Suisun City with his wife, Mrs. Brad, and two sons. He enjoys cheese.
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Discussion | 23 comments

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  • Rich GiddensApril 06, 2014 - 12:33 am

    I have a theory. This is a tragic repeat of history, specifically Egypt Air flight 990 where a crazed Muslim kills everybody on board. Am I allowed to say that?

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  • NeelApril 09, 2014 - 11:16 pm

    I feel like this is a new war to Iran, because there was 2 passenagers in the flight 370 who got in with fake passports the news saying those 2 passengers are from Iran, online news also saying it could be hijack by those 2 passengers, where it makes it easier for some country to enter for a search of flight 370 in case their hiding it in Iran. Thats stupid excuse to enter Iran but soon or later war will start in Iran by powerful countries. I am just guessing all this. thx

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  • WeaverwomanApril 06, 2014 - 6:48 am

    Mr. Stanhope, The lose of Flight 370 is presently an on-going situation that is affecting a huge amount of people and resources. I am quite surprised you are making light of this tragedy.

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  • Whats This AboutApril 06, 2014 - 7:24 am

    I actually do have a sense of humor, but this is stupid!

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  • DApril 06, 2014 - 8:00 am

    This is in low taste and just down right poor taste. I wonder if the families of the missing see the same humor I do... It's not funny at all.

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  • Sharon McDanielApril 06, 2014 - 8:04 am

    Wow, I was shocked. I guess if it were your family on that flight you wouldn't make a joke of this. Unbelievable. Whats next jokes about Sandy Hook. Shame on you.

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  • P.J.April 06, 2014 - 8:20 am

    Not funny, Brad...not one bit funny. Actually, I found it rather stupid. How about apologizing to the readers in your next column, for your lack of sensitivity and common sense.

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  • GdubApril 06, 2014 - 9:04 am

    Wow, local news must REAL slow for the DR to publish this article which reads like a smart-a** high school creative writing essay. Really?!?!

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  • RobApril 06, 2014 - 9:04 am

    Brad a Person of your intellect should at least be aware about the sensitivity and seriousness of this event, there are lives involve and the amount of international effort is being poured into this, not to mention the pain and anger of the families waiting for a slight hope that their love ones can still be with them and yet for you to write a tabloid like theories about this terrible event is appalling and will just harbor resentments why daily republic did not even discussed with you about printing your article!

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  • Outraged ReaderApril 06, 2014 - 9:22 am

    You're a NEWS EDITOR? How in the world did you get that job?

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  • MDSApril 06, 2014 - 10:54 am

    Yeah, really stupid column. I have as much of a sense of humor as the next guy but making fun of so many lost lives in a newspaper it just stupid.

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  • FDCApril 06, 2014 - 12:28 pm

    'Tain't funny, McGee. Suggest you publish an apology.

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  • dApril 06, 2014 - 2:44 pm

    Typical Daily Republic garbage, not poor judgement, zero judgement! .....Brad should resign along with his "boss" ....Glenn for allowing this to be published.....?

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  • DonaldApril 07, 2014 - 8:43 am

    Too soon.

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  • Rich GiddensApril 06, 2014 - 12:42 pm

    Leave Brad alone. This sounds like my brand of sophmoric insensitive macabre humor.

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  • Brad Vant HulApril 06, 2014 - 4:01 pm

    What were you thinking (or not thinking) to make fun of a tragic loss of life. Families are in mourning knowing nothing of what became of their loved ones. You owe readers an immediate apology. I've never witnessed such complete lack of judgement in a column and editorship to allow it.

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  • Mr. SmithApril 06, 2014 - 6:45 pm

    Ok. Let's agree that Brad's column was ill-advised. However, I'll consider his previous 51 weeks worth of great humor and insight into our daily lives before calling for his head on this one. Lighten up, people. He and the DR will handle this one well, in my estimation. For crying out loud--we have gun-toting hoodlums running rampant in this town, gang-bangers, drug sellers and addicts all over the place, grafitti everywhere, homeless people fouling our public places, people getting shot all over town--and Stanhope's column triggers more citizen outrage on this board than our current living conditions? GMAB.

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  • Interested ReaderApril 06, 2014 - 9:53 pm

    Exceedingly bad taste. Did you read the article on Page A12 before coming up with this offensive attempt at humor? http://www.dailyrepublic.com/usworld/airasia-withdraws-inflight-magazine-says-sorry/ I know that we can be excessive at times on political correctness, but wow... really?

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  • D . BrownApril 06, 2014 - 10:38 pm

    Sad

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  • Gerald EtkindApril 07, 2014 - 4:35 pm

    Let me guess ... on Sept 12, 2001 you published a hilarious column about the passengers on United Airlines flight 93 complaining that they wanted to crash into a more valuable target. Keep up the good work!

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  • DrApril 09, 2014 - 11:43 pm

    It is not at all clear to me how this article is 'insensitive', 'in poor taste' etc. It is hilarious! Why? Because he is pointing out how incredibly stupid so much of the absolute, cooked-up, conspiracy theory garbage is that has filled the internet over the past month regarding this event. This is satire. It is not making light of the event itself but the ridiculous, dumb, rascist, xenophobic claptrap that has gurgled out of the mouths of the world's citizens - many of whom, so far as I can tell, were in positions which meant that they could have, and should have, done a whole lot better.

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  • FDCApril 10, 2014 - 6:32 am

    Dear "Dr": You mean: "Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

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  • BaseballmomApril 16, 2014 - 7:19 am

    Thank you Dr. Finally, someone who actually "gets it."

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