Thursday, July 31, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

What happened to Flight 370? I have some theories

stanhope column sig

By
From page A2 | April 06, 2014 |

It’s one of the greatest puzzles of the past century, ranking with the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, the identity of the Zodiac killer and the continuing popularity of country music: What happened to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370?

The governments of the world want us to believe their story – that it crashed somewhere in the Indian Ocean with no survivors.

Sure, that works for most people, but not for an intrepid columnist who has seen enough movies to know that something else really happened.

What? Well, I’m not sure, but I have six theories:

Theory 1: The plane broke through the time-space continuum, landing in 1814 in a place where something of historical significance was taking place, since that’s what happens in movies.

The leading candidate? New Orleans, where Col. Andrew Jackson was leading the American army against the British, who were hoping to take back their former colony.

Ever wonder how the outmanned U.S. Army defeated the Brits? Maybe a huge airplane landed in an area populated by the Brits, who broke away in a dead sprint and ran down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico, as reported in the song “Battle of New Orleans,” which is responsible for everything I know about that event.

Theory 2: It’s simple when you think about it – it was a Malaysian Airlines plane. Mal means bad. Asia means Asia. What’s the baddest Asian country right now? North Korea.

Boom. The plane is in North Korea.

Theory 3: The plane never existed. This is an elaborate gag, using computer-generated images, special graphics, hand puppets and some cunning mimics.

Had you heard of Flight 370 before it “disappeared?” Nope. Me neither.

In the age of social media stunts and attempts to sway public opinion, might some group be using this to promote a new TV show or website? Would you be surprised if the plane is suddenly “found” and the “passengers” are the first guests on a new late-night TV show or a pay-to-view website? Flight 370? Come on. IT WILL BE SHOWN ON CABLE CHANNEL 370, PEOPLE!

Theory 4: Christopher Columbus was wrong – the Earth is flat. For years, pilots and ship captains participated in a mass conspiracy about a “round world” by telling passengers that they could “circumnavigate the globe” and that China, for instance, is on “the other side of the world” from the United States.

The reality? The Earth is flat. And the pilot of Flight 370 – like dozens of captains of ships in the Middle Ages – simply went off the edge.

Theory 5: Industrial espionage. After 100 years, surviving railroad and passenger ship tycoons had enough and decided to “send a message” to the upstart aviation industry.

A flight disappears. The mystery deepens. Passengers are afraid that it might happen to them. What comes next? Suddenly, people are using railroads and huge ships to travel across the country and across oceans. And somebody who looks like the Monopoly man sits in his big leather chair, rubs his hands together and contemplates the next step.

Theory 6: While flying over the vast emptiness of the Indian Ocean, Flight 370 suffered major mechanical failure and was forced to land on a deserted island, where seven lonely castaways resided.

The castaways were on a three-hour tour that went horribly awry and lived on the island for years, led by an angry skipper and a smart scientist.

Once everyone was safe, the castaways and the passengers began working on an escape plan that involved coconuts, an exercise bike and a clothesline. Ultimately, the passengers will be rescued, but the castaways will be left to hear the latest stock market news on a transistor radio.

Reach Brad Stanhope at 427-6958 or bstanhope@dailyrepublic.net. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/bradstanhope.

Brad Stanhope

Brad Stanhope

Brad Stanhope is the Daily Republic's news editor. He began his career at the DR in the last millennium. He spent 17 years as a sports editor and three years as the associate editor before spending three years away from the newspaper (though continuing as a columnist). He returned in December 2010 as news editor. Brad lives in Suisun City with his wife, Mrs. Brad, and two sons. He enjoys cheese.
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 23 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Rich GiddensApril 06, 2014 - 12:33 am

    I have a theory. This is a tragic repeat of history, specifically Egypt Air flight 990 where a crazed Muslim kills everybody on board. Am I allowed to say that?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • NeelApril 09, 2014 - 11:16 pm

    I feel like this is a new war to Iran, because there was 2 passenagers in the flight 370 who got in with fake passports the news saying those 2 passengers are from Iran, online news also saying it could be hijack by those 2 passengers, where it makes it easier for some country to enter for a search of flight 370 in case their hiding it in Iran. Thats stupid excuse to enter Iran but soon or later war will start in Iran by powerful countries. I am just guessing all this. thx

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • WeaverwomanApril 06, 2014 - 6:48 am

    Mr. Stanhope, The lose of Flight 370 is presently an on-going situation that is affecting a huge amount of people and resources. I am quite surprised you are making light of this tragedy.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Whats This AboutApril 06, 2014 - 7:24 am

    I actually do have a sense of humor, but this is stupid!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • DApril 06, 2014 - 8:00 am

    This is in low taste and just down right poor taste. I wonder if the families of the missing see the same humor I do... It's not funny at all.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Sharon McDanielApril 06, 2014 - 8:04 am

    Wow, I was shocked. I guess if it were your family on that flight you wouldn't make a joke of this. Unbelievable. Whats next jokes about Sandy Hook. Shame on you.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • P.J.April 06, 2014 - 8:20 am

    Not funny, Brad...not one bit funny. Actually, I found it rather stupid. How about apologizing to the readers in your next column, for your lack of sensitivity and common sense.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • GdubApril 06, 2014 - 9:04 am

    Wow, local news must REAL slow for the DR to publish this article which reads like a smart-a** high school creative writing essay. Really?!?!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • RobApril 06, 2014 - 9:04 am

    Brad a Person of your intellect should at least be aware about the sensitivity and seriousness of this event, there are lives involve and the amount of international effort is being poured into this, not to mention the pain and anger of the families waiting for a slight hope that their love ones can still be with them and yet for you to write a tabloid like theories about this terrible event is appalling and will just harbor resentments why daily republic did not even discussed with you about printing your article!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Outraged ReaderApril 06, 2014 - 9:22 am

    You're a NEWS EDITOR? How in the world did you get that job?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • MDSApril 06, 2014 - 10:54 am

    Yeah, really stupid column. I have as much of a sense of humor as the next guy but making fun of so many lost lives in a newspaper it just stupid.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • FDCApril 06, 2014 - 12:28 pm

    'Tain't funny, McGee. Suggest you publish an apology.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • dApril 06, 2014 - 2:44 pm

    Typical Daily Republic garbage, not poor judgement, zero judgement! .....Brad should resign along with his "boss" ....Glenn for allowing this to be published.....?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • DonaldApril 07, 2014 - 8:43 am

    Too soon.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Rich GiddensApril 06, 2014 - 12:42 pm

    Leave Brad alone. This sounds like my brand of sophmoric insensitive macabre humor.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Brad Vant HulApril 06, 2014 - 4:01 pm

    What were you thinking (or not thinking) to make fun of a tragic loss of life. Families are in mourning knowing nothing of what became of their loved ones. You owe readers an immediate apology. I've never witnessed such complete lack of judgement in a column and editorship to allow it.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Mr. SmithApril 06, 2014 - 6:45 pm

    Ok. Let's agree that Brad's column was ill-advised. However, I'll consider his previous 51 weeks worth of great humor and insight into our daily lives before calling for his head on this one. Lighten up, people. He and the DR will handle this one well, in my estimation. For crying out loud--we have gun-toting hoodlums running rampant in this town, gang-bangers, drug sellers and addicts all over the place, grafitti everywhere, homeless people fouling our public places, people getting shot all over town--and Stanhope's column triggers more citizen outrage on this board than our current living conditions? GMAB.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Interested ReaderApril 06, 2014 - 9:53 pm

    Exceedingly bad taste. Did you read the article on Page A12 before coming up with this offensive attempt at humor? http://www.dailyrepublic.com/usworld/airasia-withdraws-inflight-magazine-says-sorry/ I know that we can be excessive at times on political correctness, but wow... really?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • D . BrownApril 06, 2014 - 10:38 pm

    Sad

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Gerald EtkindApril 07, 2014 - 4:35 pm

    Let me guess ... on Sept 12, 2001 you published a hilarious column about the passengers on United Airlines flight 93 complaining that they wanted to crash into a more valuable target. Keep up the good work!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • DrApril 09, 2014 - 11:43 pm

    It is not at all clear to me how this article is 'insensitive', 'in poor taste' etc. It is hilarious! Why? Because he is pointing out how incredibly stupid so much of the absolute, cooked-up, conspiracy theory garbage is that has filled the internet over the past month regarding this event. This is satire. It is not making light of the event itself but the ridiculous, dumb, rascist, xenophobic claptrap that has gurgled out of the mouths of the world's citizens - many of whom, so far as I can tell, were in positions which meant that they could have, and should have, done a whole lot better.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • FDCApril 10, 2014 - 6:32 am

    Dear "Dr": You mean: "Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • BaseballmomApril 16, 2014 - 7:19 am

    Thank you Dr. Finally, someone who actually "gets it."

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Cities dealing with state drought rules

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1, 4 Comments | Gallery

 
Muralist helps locals ready for some painted wall history

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A1 | Gallery

It’s ‘camping for 30′ at the Solano fair

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Rejection makes us each stronger

By Angela Borchert | From Page: A2, 1 Comment

 
Highway 12 crash sends 2 to hospital

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A3, 11 Comments | Gallery

 
Police release name of Vallejo homicide victim

By Glen Faison | From Page: A4, 8 Comments | Gallery

 
Mall to host Ultimate Army Throw Down

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A4

 
Fairfield police log: July 29, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

Suisun City police log: July 29, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Police investigate Fairfield shooting

By Glen Faison | From Page: A12

.

US / World

Peace Corps evacuates over Ebola as 2 isolated

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Pipe break that flooded UCLA dumps 20M gallons

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4 | Gallery

Obama takes tougher line against Gaza casualties

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 7 Comments

 
AP Analysis: Amid war, endgames in Gaza emerge

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

2 women survive ordeal along Indiana rail bridge

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Ex-IRS official called conservatives ‘crazies

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 6 Comments

Dissent quieted with most Israelis behind Gaza war

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Deadly Israeli strikes hit UN school, market area

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 3 Comments | Gallery

Sanctions will damage Russia if not lifted quickly

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

 
Clashes prevent experts from reaching bodies

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

Suing Obama: GOP-led House gives the go-ahead

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12, 14 Comments

 
Congress cooperates – and fights – as recess nears

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

Powell maybe not told early about CIA techniques

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

 
Crews work to keep Yosemite fire from sequoias

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12, 1 Comment

.

Opinion

What happened to the US?

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A11, 18 Comments

 
Am I blaming victims?

By Kelvin Wade | From Page: A11, 10 Comments

 
Cruz gets border crisis wrong

By Ruben Navarrette | From Page: A11, 8 Comments

 
Editorial Cartoons: July 31, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

.

Living

Today in History for July 31, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: July 31, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Horoscopes for July 31, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

 
I want to change my daughters last name to my maiden name

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Commentary: ‘Orphan Black,’ Emmy snubs and questions of identity

By Los Angeles Times | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Allison Williams headed skyward as NBC’s Peter Pan

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Contract dispute delays ‘Big Bang’ production

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

.

Sports

Lloyd’s film watching impresses 49ers teammates

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
SF benefits from Pirates’ blunder, ends skid at 6

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Complete game shutout lifts Expos to State Tournament win

By Marcus Lomtong | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Hammel fails again for Athletics in loss to Astros

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Ray Guy’s long wait for Hall of Fame comes to end

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Raiders owner confirms talks with San Antonio

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Stanford star Ty Montgomery rehabbing shoulder

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
Greg Ives to crew chief Earnhardt in 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3 | Gallery

Riley speaks out, insists Heat will be competitive

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Nadal out of 2 tournaments because of right wrist

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Pipe break that flooded UCLA dumps 20M gallons

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Steelers to retire Hall of Famer Greene’s No. 75

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Fairfield-Suisun 6U Bobby Sox win titles

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B4, 1 Comment

 
Usain Bolt in controversy at Commonwealth Games

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Indians trade pitcher Masterson to Cardinals

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
.

Business

US judge slaps $1.3B fine on Bank of America

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5, 1 Comment

 
A more vigorous US economy appears to be emerging

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

Overhaul approved for troubled California refinery

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
Judge says Crystal CEO should testify in lawsuit

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7, 1 Comment

.

Obituaries

Louise Scholten

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
Ronald Witt Escue Sr.

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

Scott Allen Shaver

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
.

Comics

Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9