It’s one of the greatest puzzles of the past century, ranking with the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, the identity of the Zodiac killer and the continuing popularity of country music: What happened to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370?
The governments of the world want us to believe their story – that it crashed somewhere in the Indian Ocean with no survivors.
Sure, that works for most people, but not for an intrepid columnist who has seen enough movies to know that something else really happened.
What? Well, I’m not sure, but I have six theories:
Theory 1: The plane broke through the time-space continuum, landing in 1814 in a place where something of historical significance was taking place, since that’s what happens in movies.
The leading candidate? New Orleans, where Col. Andrew Jackson was leading the American army against the British, who were hoping to take back their former colony.
Ever wonder how the outmanned U.S. Army defeated the Brits? Maybe a huge airplane landed in an area populated by the Brits, who broke away in a dead sprint and ran down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico, as reported in the song “Battle of New Orleans,” which is responsible for everything I know about that event.
Theory 2: It’s simple when you think about it – it was a Malaysian Airlines plane. Mal means bad. Asia means Asia. What’s the baddest Asian country right now? North Korea.
Boom. The plane is in North Korea.
Theory 3: The plane never existed. This is an elaborate gag, using computer-generated images, special graphics, hand puppets and some cunning mimics.
Had you heard of Flight 370 before it “disappeared?” Nope. Me neither.
In the age of social media stunts and attempts to sway public opinion, might some group be using this to promote a new TV show or website? Would you be surprised if the plane is suddenly “found” and the “passengers” are the first guests on a new late-night TV show or a pay-to-view website? Flight 370? Come on. IT WILL BE SHOWN ON CABLE CHANNEL 370, PEOPLE!
Theory 4: Christopher Columbus was wrong – the Earth is flat. For years, pilots and ship captains participated in a mass conspiracy about a “round world” by telling passengers that they could “circumnavigate the globe” and that China, for instance, is on “the other side of the world” from the United States.
The reality? The Earth is flat. And the pilot of Flight 370 – like dozens of captains of ships in the Middle Ages – simply went off the edge.
Theory 5: Industrial espionage. After 100 years, surviving railroad and passenger ship tycoons had enough and decided to “send a message” to the upstart aviation industry.
A flight disappears. The mystery deepens. Passengers are afraid that it might happen to them. What comes next? Suddenly, people are using railroads and huge ships to travel across the country and across oceans. And somebody who looks like the Monopoly man sits in his big leather chair, rubs his hands together and contemplates the next step.
Theory 6: While flying over the vast emptiness of the Indian Ocean, Flight 370 suffered major mechanical failure and was forced to land on a deserted island, where seven lonely castaways resided.
The castaways were on a three-hour tour that went horribly awry and lived on the island for years, led by an angry skipper and a smart scientist.
Once everyone was safe, the castaways and the passengers began working on an escape plan that involved coconuts, an exercise bike and a clothesline. Ultimately, the passengers will be rescued, but the castaways will be left to hear the latest stock market news on a transistor radio.