The Last Laugh turns 7 this month! I appreciated the decorative bunting the Daily Republic hung outside its Texas Street office in celebration. Giving free bobble head dolls of me wearing a No. 7 Oakland Raiders jersey to all subscribers was also nice (but Kyle Boller? Really? How about Steve Beuerlein at least?).
I think making all their regular employees wear incredibly lifelike whole-head rubber masks of my face while at work was a bit much, however.
Anyway, to celebrate, this column is all about the number 7.
7 years of confidence: Since I have been doing this now for seven years, I think it’s time I changed my email address. My original one, email@example.com, was just to show who I was, the older sibling of longtime, respected Daily Republic opinion columnist Kelvin Wade. I am now confident and can stand on my own two feet and will use firstname.lastname@example.org instead.
7 years old: When I was 7 years old and in the first grade, I learned a hard lesson about people. A parent of a classmate had a bag full of Looney Tunes puppets that were part of some promotion and I think they worked for the company or something. Each kid in my class reached into a bag and you got whatever puppet you picked. I got a Wile E. Coyote one and was thrilled. At recess, I stupidly put my puppet on top of a mobile clothes closet and when I came back, it was gone. These were just molded plastic heads of Looney Tune characters attached to basically a small trash bag, but still I was crushed. I found one on eBay for $4.99 and was tempted to buy it to soothe my inner child of that trauma. What would feel better, though, would be to discover who stole my puppet and punch them in the stomach. Seven times.
Seven of Nine: I watched “Star Trek: Voyager” from the first episode and was a fan. Then, when ratings started to slip, they added the character Seven of Nine, often just called Seven, played by Jeri Ryan, who wore a uniform so tight it appeared to be body paint. The Star Trek purist in me was irritated by how many bandwagon fans the show then got. My eyes were also irritated because I never blinked for fear of missing a second of that uniform.
7th Grade: The only thing I remember from the physical science class I had at Grange Intermediate (besides Tami Anderson’s Ditto jeans) was when the teacher, Mr. Jones, taught us an acronym to remember the seven colors in the light spectrum that make up a rainbow. Roy G. Biv was the acronym and stands for red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. Turns out there is a real Roy G. Biv and he is gay so that helps even more.
Seven is how many pull-ups I did when we had that dreaded annual physical fitness test in P.E. during my school years. I mean for all 12 years. While saying that is a tad embarrassing, it is way better than saying I averaged 0.583333333333333333 pull-ups annually from first grade to high school.
The Seven Deadly Sins are: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and being a Niners’ fan.
The Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television, George Carlin’s classic comedy bit, in 2014 would just be four. I would list the ones you can now say on TV, but you can’t say any of them in newspapers. That is, unless you cleverly conceal them somewhere in the text as I have with this column. If you find all seven, you will win a free bar of “A Christmas Story” Life Buoy soap to wash your mouth out with.
7th song: One of my favorite rock guitarists, Steve Vai, always has an unbelievable instrumental as the seventh song on his albums. In 2000, he released the album “The 7th Song,” which was a collection of all his seventh songs. When I listened to “Melissa’s Garden,” the seventh song on that album made up of seventh songs, my head exploded. Consequently, I now wear one of those whole head rubber masks of my mug.
Thanks to all seven regular readers!
Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at email@example.com.