Friday, December 19, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

The career arc of the nameless rock band

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | January 13, 2014 |

“At sign, hashtag, dollar sign, percent, ampersand, exclamation point! ” Sanjay Petel said excitedly. When he got blank stares from his friends, he wrote it out on the white board: “@#$%&!”

“See? It’s like comic strip cussing or like when Prince changed his name to that symbol!” Sanjay said.

“That’s stupid! Prince already had a name so you could just call him “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince” or “T.A.F.K.A.P.,” Pete Hostel said. “But you can’t start out a band with unpronounceable symbols as its name, moron.”

The band name brainstorming then resumed and ideas were floated and rapidly shot down. “Vitreous Humor” – the clear gel in eyeballs – —sounded promising until they realized the initials were taken by Van Halen 35 years ago. “Joypop” didn’t reflect their musical direction. “Backbiter?”  Too negative and too Marv Albert-ish. “Jar Jar and the Prequels” just cracked everyone up.

“We’ll come back to the name” Keith Gorten said, standing up. “We have more important stuff to get to.”

When Keith, a brilliant ninth-grader, decided to become a rock star, he researched it thoroughly and came up with a crystal-clear plan. He then texted his three closest friends since fourth grade: Camryn Jackson, and the aforementioned Pete and Sanjay. They all loved blues-based ‘70s and ‘80s hard rock and wanted to capture that retro feel and add a pinch of 21st century flavor.

Keith erased “BAND NAME” from the white board then pointed to the rather pretentious words already written there: “ROCK AND ROLL CAREER ARC.”

“OK, so the important thing is that we make a splash with our first album and capture hard-rock lovers,” Keith said. “It has to be an awesome album, but not so awesome that it can’t ever be topped. Guns ’n’ Roses had that problem with ‘Appetite for Destruction.’

“Next, we do a follow-up that is even better and then the third album will become a classic,” Keith said. “On the fourth album, we’ll sell out a little and make it more commercial.”

“Won’t that alienate our original fan base?” Sanjay asked, fully engaged.

“Many of them, yes, but most will stick with us and our new fans will more than make up for the ones we lose. Kinda like when Metallica made that wretched, but hugely popular so-called black album,” Keith said.

“What’s ‘PITFALLS TO AVOID?’” Camryn asked, pointing to the heading on the right.

Keith wanted to lay out his plan systematically, but knew how antsy Camryn got, so he answered his question.

“No drugs and no alcohol are on the top of that list,” Keith said. “I mean, maybe we could get strung out and then capitalize on getting sober like Aerosmith did, but our music would suffer. Plus, the whole choking-to-death-on-your-own-vomit-thing has been done, well, to death.”

“What’s “NO YOKOS?” Pete asked, reading ahead.

“It means,” Keith replied, “No girlfriends in rehearsals or in the studio.”

“Uh . . . what girlfriends? Imaginary ones?” Camryn asked.

“They’ll be for real once we hit it big and they can be band-killers,” Keith said. “Now, this next one is extremely important: No flying.”

Sanjay, Pete and Camryn started laughing. When Keith rapidly rattled off the names of 10 musicians and groups who died in aviation crashes, including Lynyrd Skynyrd and Stevie Ray Vaughan off the top of his head, the laughter ceased. He then showed them a mock-up of the band’s tour bus.

“Now back to our career path,” Keith said. “Once we’ve become institutions, we then try experimental albums that almost no one likes except critics, followed by a temporary breakup. Then we have a huge reunion tour which we’ll record for a greatest hits/live double album. After that, we’ll be older and be more appreciative of our careers and can do county fairs and other venues we were too big and proud to do before. Avoiding, of course, the whole Spinal Tap-former-headliners-opening-for-a-puppet-show syndrome.”

Keith’s thorough presentation left his bandmates without questions so he opened the floor for more band names.

“iPhone Home!” Camryn shouted and was booed down.

“Oh, wait! I almost forgot one thing,” Keith said. “Do . . . uh . . . any of you know how to actually play any instruments?”

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | No comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

 
Sondheim’s ‘Woods’ holiday showcase for Missouri Street Theatre

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Groundbreakings, ribbon-cuttings play role in civic life

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1, 1 Comment | Gallery

Frankye Kelly ready to spread holiday cheer

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
Celebrate the magic of Christmas

By Tony Wade | From Page: A2, 2 Comments

 
Santas have busy week at schools

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3, 1 Comment

 
Safe streets task force work nets 3

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3, 2 Comments

 
 
Solano College approves officers, meeting schedule

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A4

Longtime Suisun harbor master to retire

By Ian Thompson | From Page: A4

 
 
Fairfield police log: Dec. 17, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Suisun City police log: Dec. 17, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12, 1 Comment

Police arrest 2nd suspect in Fairfield credit union robbery

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A12 | Gallery

 
.

US / World

Spy’s parents search for son after Cuba-US deal

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Hope and some fear in Cuba amid thaw with US

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Next steps on Cuba: Normalizing could take awhile

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Sony hacking fallout puts all companies on alert

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Sony film took aim at North Korea’s biggest taboo

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 3 Comments

 
Timeline of the Sony Pictures Entertainment hack

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Digital dilemma: How will US respond to Sony hack?

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
 
Local emergencies in Northern California counties after rain

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

California’s top utility regulator defends record

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
‘Pretty horrible’ scene; car slams into crowd

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Police: Drunk man shot while entering wrong house

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 4 Comments

Tsarnaev appears in court for 1st time since 2013

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
President signs legislation ending Nazi benefit checks

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

2 states challenge Colorado marijuana legalization

By The Associated Press | From Page: A8, 3 Comments

 
‘Prison Houdini’ set to make his 1st legal escape

By The Associated Press | From Page: A8

Top Islamic militants killed; more US troops going to Iraq

By The Associated Press | From Page: A8

 
Feds sue NYC over Rikers Island jail violence

By The Associated Press | From Page: A8

Russian sailors leaving France without warship

By The Associated Press | From Page: A9, 1 Comment

 
Putin: West wants to defang, declaw Russian bear

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

European court rules obesity can be a disability

By The Associated Press | From Page: A13

 
Suspected Islamic extremists kidnap 185 in Nigeria

By The Associated Press | From Page: A13, 2 Comments

.

Opinion

Another look at school bonds

By George Guynn Jr. | From Page: A11, 2 Comments

 
Editorial Cartoon: Dec. 19, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

News of the day strikes a chord

By Bud Stevenson | From Page: A11, 10 Comments

 
 
.

Living

Today in History: Dec. 19, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2, 1 Comment

 
Community Calendar: Dec. 19, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Horoscopes: Dec. 19, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: D8

 
Should I use Child Protective Services threat to get back rent?

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: D8

.

Entertainment

Week in preview Dec. 19-25, 2014

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
Sweet ‘Night at the Museum’ bids farewell to Robin Williams

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Craig Ferguson to end 10 years as host of ‘Late Late Show’

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

Eric Idle brings ‘Not the Messiah’ to Carnegie Hall

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Entertainment calendar Dec. 19, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: B4

.

Sports

A’s trade All-Star catcher Derek Norris to Padres

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
Warriors beat Thunder 114-109 after Durant injury

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
A’s acquire lefty De La Rosa from Arizona for cash

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

Raiders defense depleted by injuries

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
49ers’ Harbaugh mum on reported offer from Michigan

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

49ers’ Aldon Smith hopes to build off tough year

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
Column: Thaw in US-Cuba relations warms up MLB

By Jim Litke | From Page: B8

Rivera: Newton ‘probably’ will start vs. Browns

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
Bears bench QB Jay Cutler for Clausen

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

‘Hands Up’ players to attend Ferguson Christmas party

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
Celtics trade Rondo to Mavericks

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

Rodriguez boys open Les Curry Tournament with victory

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B8

 
39 bowl games and a reason to watch every one

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

Signups for Friday, Dec. 19, 2014

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B9

 
This date in sports history for Friday, Dec. 19, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

Sports on TV/Local sports for Friday, Dec. 19, 2014

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B11

 
.

Business

Roomiest Subaru Legacy debuts for 2015

By Ann M. Job | From Page: C1

 
Dow industrials have their best day in three years

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

Ford expands drivers air bag recall nationwide

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
Constantly changing online prices stump shoppers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

.

Obituaries

Lisa Dee McHughes

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Dominic C. Scolaro

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

Ernest “Ernie” Moretti

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Travis Curt Price

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4, 1 Comment

Jennie Ponce Reyes

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Patricia “Pat” Anne Stringfield-Pierre

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

.

Comics