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The Bible has some truly strange stories
“It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it, and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.”
That quote about the Bible is from the posthumously published essay called, “Letters from the Earth,” by Mark Twain. At the time it was written, Twain was under much duress. His wife had recently died, as had one of his daughters. He was in debt. He was near the end of his life. So was this quote a bunch of sour grapes, or is this really an accurate depiction of the Bible?
Some would say no, while others would say yes.
On a personal note, I was brought up going to church and Sunday school. I spent four years at a Christian high school, reading the Bible front to back each year. Since then I’ve read the Bible a few more times. To me, it isn’t a book of “a thousand lies,” but there are definitely some strange stories in there. Stories that no preacher would ever touch during a Sunday sermon. Fables that no Sunday school teacher would dare discuss. There are stories that quite frankly make you scratch your head and wonder why it’s even in the Bible at all.
Let’s start with 2 Kings 2:23-25. This little story is about a wise man named Elijah who is walking by the road on his way to Bethel. Along the way he is accosted by 42 children who make fun of his lack of hair, calling him “bald head.” Annoyed with their taunts and insults, he curses them in the name of the lord and instantly two female bears come out of the woods and maul all of the children to death.
Not exactly the happy ending we were looking for.
The moral of the story? Never make fun of male pattern baldness? I’m not really sure.
How about we turn to Matthew 21:19. As Jesus is walking from Bethany, he starts feeling a bit hungry. He walks over to a fig tree, expecting to score some ripe figs, but the tree is barren. Annoyed by this, Jesus curses the fig tree to death. This story is utterly strange for so many reasons, but mainly for how irrational Jesus becomes and how unimportant it is to the Jesus story. And yet, this story is repeated again in Mark 11:13-14, so what do I know?
Moral of the story: I have no idea. Can anyone out there explain it for me?
Another unusual story can be found in Numbers 22:28-30. Balaam has a very stubborn donkey and in order to get it to move, Balaam has to beat his donkey. During one of these beatings, the donkey very calmly asks Balaam why he is beating him. Balaam (not the least bit surprised that his donkey can speak) explains that the donkey was mocking him. The donkey then becomes philosophical and explains the nature of their relationship and how his feelings, not to mention his backside, were hurt. They soon make peace and all is well.
Moral: Umm . . . don’t beat animals? I honestly don’t know. Did I mention that it was a talking donkey?
Lastly, there’s 1 Kings 18:25-27. Ahh, David is young and in love. He totally has the hots for Saul’s daughter, Michal. He offers Saul anything he wants in return for the girl. So what does Saul want? Money? Land? A brand new goat skin leisure suit? No. Saul wants foreskins. One hundred foreskins to be exact. Saul tells David that if he wants to marry his daughter, he needs to bring back 100 of them by the next day. Unfazed, David goes out and kills 200 men and collects their foreskins. He then remembers that he only needed 100. Oops. He hopes that Saul will be impressed. It turns out that Saul is impressed. Doubly impressed! And he hands over his daughter to David.
Moral of the story? Sorry, I got nothing.
Did I bring up these stories to simply make fun of them? Or, what if I’m just mentioning these stories to pique someone’s interest? What if by bringing these obscure stories to light, someone goes to the top shelf of the closet, blows the dust off the cover, and starts reading the Bible?
Hmmm . . . the lord works in mysterious ways.
Reach C.W. Plunkett at cwplunkett33@yahoo.com.
Discussion | 24 comments
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...February 06, 2013 - 12:45 am
Letters From the Earth was the work of a cynical and foolish man. And yes, men change like rivers do, and are not the same year to year, like changing seasons.
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 12:18 pm
Yup.Like I said, he was going through tough time...s, so who knows.... people DO change though
Reply |...February 06, 2013 - 1:49 pm
People change, and so do fig trees. Sometimes they're fruitful, sometimes fruitless. What use is a fig tree that knows all about growing fruit, but does nothing about it? The same could be said about people who have certain wisdom but are just as fruitless.
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 3:19 pm
I see where you're going with this and I like it. However, whether it be a fig tree or a person who has become fruitless, I'm still not going to curse it to death...
Reply |...February 06, 2013 - 6:35 pm
You're not going to because you can't. Just words for you... but isn't that the shame?
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 07, 2013 - 3:07 pm
Hmmm... no, I'm not going to do that just because I can't... I'm not going to do that because I wouldn't. What would be the point of cursing something to death just because it has become fruitless (whether it is a fig tree, a human, or even a tiny gnat)? That sort of thinking is irrational, vindictive, and just plain mean. Sort of counters pretty much everything that Jesus stood for, I think...
Reply |k hartleyFebruary 07, 2013 - 3:44 pm
Not if you look it from the point of view as a person that has an orchard or a vinyard wasted space is less profit and Christ is looking for spiritual profit he wants fruit anything less is worth nothing. This is a warning so you won't just settle for bringing forth rotten or no fruit. The destruction would take place at judgement day so you've at least till the day you die to fix it. That is not irrational. Hes giving advance warningbof whats a stake.
Reply |StR 2 Kings 2:23-25February 06, 2013 - 1:23 am
Please Bear w/me here....Here is a commentary from John Gill:............ there came forth little children out of the city; the word for "children" is used of persons of thirty or forty years of age; and though these are said to be "little", they were so well grown as to be able to go forth out of the city of themselves, without any to guide them, or to take care of them; and were of an age capable not only of taking notice of Elijah's baldness, but knew him to be a prophet, and were able to distinguish between good and evil; and, from a malignant spirit in them, mocked at him as such, and at the assumption of Elijah; which they had knowledge of, and to whom, taught by their idolatrous parents, they had an aversion: some Jewish writers F24 say, they were called "Naarim", which we render "children", because shaken from the commandments, or had shaken off the yoke of the commands; and "little", because they were of little faith:.............. and mocked him, and said unto him, go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head; meaning not up the hill to Bethel, where his coming was not desirable to the greater part in it, being idolaters; and perhaps these children were sent out to intimidate him with their flouts and jeers from entering there; but having heard of Elijah going up to heaven, as was said, they jeeringly bid him go up to heaven after him, and then they should have a good riddance of them both; thus at the same time mocking at him for his baldness, and making a jest of the wondrous work of God, the assumption of Elijah; which, with behaving so irreverently to an hoary head, a prophet of the Lord, was very heinous and wicked, and therefore what befell them need not be wondered at............... And he turned back, and looked on them With a stern countenance, thereby reproving them, and in order to intimidate them, and make them ashamed, and cause them to leave off, but to no purpose; they repeated their mockeries with great vehemence:............. and cursed them in the name of the Lord; moved thereunto, not from passion and a spirit of revenge, but by an impulse of the Spirit of God:................. and there came forth two she bears out of the wood; which are fiercest, and especially when bereaved of their whelps, as these might be; the wood seems to be near to Bethel, perhaps in the wilderness of Bethel, of which see ( Joshua 8:15 ) ( 18:12 ) , and Reland F25 thinks it is the same with the wood of Ephraim, ( 2 Samuel 18:6 ) , though the Jews, to increase the miracle, say F26 there was no wood at all, and, if there was, that there were no bears in it; but though those creatures are mostly in northern countries, yet there were of them in Judea, see ( 1 Samuel 17:34 )............ and tare forty and two children of them; it seems there were more than these; but such a number of them they tore to pieces and destroyed; which was very extraordinary, and was an awful punishment for their wickedness, which they knowingly and willingly committed, and of their parents in them, who had trained them up in such impiety, and put them upon it, and sent them out to do it............. Hope that helps explain it. It is really a moral lesson regarding the consequences of evil and wickedness...............OR ?...........Prophets lived a kind of dinner theater where their lives were the prophecies of Christ. When Elisha removed the ax from the stream, it prophesied that Jesus would remove judgment from the Word of God........... In this case, Israel had been chosen by God to be his people of the kingdom (city). The little children represent the insignificant (little) young men (children) of Israel............. Jesus is ascending (went up) to the House of God (Bethel). Israel removed themselves from the kingdom (came out of the city) and mocked Jesus in the resurrection............ Saying "ascend (go up), you without authority (bald head) in heaven or on earth (they said it twice)"............... The word for bear also means to speak. So Jesus send two testimonies from those who do not see clearly (female bears). Each testimony rent (tore) Israel 21 times . which is 3 x 7x2 meaning Gods fullness in heaven and earth tore Israel from the kingdom. They no longer were God's chosen people on earth, and they had been cast out of the kingdom............. The bears which did not see clearly are the secular Roman Empire, and the Church. The roman empire cut them off from the earthly kingdom, and the Church replaced them in the heavenly kingdom............. In the voice of the judge, it speaks of Elisha responding to the same taunt as Jesus would later, saying that he has all God's authority in heaven and on earth...............
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 12:19 pm
You said mouthfull...
Reply |StR Matthew 21:19February 06, 2013 - 1:40 am
Go figure or Good fig R U?....This is like a parable or metaphor. The fig tree or disciples of God are meant to bear good fruit (save others, do good works,tell people about Jesus) especially at the arrival of Jesus. Those who do not do good will be cursed with death or annihilation (See I think that maybe we do not all get cursed to hell maybe some to annihilation and only those that have truly sided with the devil or knowingly did a lot of evil burn forever in the pit of fire prepared for Satan and his fallen angel demons).
Reply |StR Numbers 22:28-30February 06, 2013 - 1:55 am
Hmmmmmmm...I will have to burrow into this some more later...Balaam beat his Donkey's ass.. Actually I do know, keep in mind Balaam was a false prophet, mule will like my answer when I get to it. Good Night
Reply |StR LaughterFebruary 06, 2013 - 2:50 am
Will a day come when the race will detect the funniness of these juvenilities and laugh at them--and by laughing at them destroy them? For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon--laughter. Power, Money, Persuasion, Supplication, Persecution--these can lift at a colossal humbug,--push it a little-- crowd it a little--weaken it a little, century by century: but only Laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of Laughter nothing can stand. - "The Chronicle of Young Satan," Mysterious Stranger Manuscripts Mark Twain...wwwtwainquotescom.....Very Interesting...See this may be autobiographical...The short novel known as The Mysterious Stranger was first published six years after Twain's death by his literary executor, Albert Bigelow Paine. In 1923 Paine released a new edition of the book that included a previously unpublished final chapter, which Paine claimed was Twain's original ending for the novella. Scholars later established that neither of these editions represented an integral work by Twain, but were Paine's own editorial creations. Apparently, during the last two decades of his life, Twain had made several attempts to write a story about a young boy visited by a sinister supernatural being. At his death he left among his papers three unfinished manuscripts and a fourth fragment, each representing a different version of this story. Paine combined portions of these texts, substantially altering them so that they formed a continuous narrative. For this reason, critics distinguish between the literary artefact known as The Mysterious Stranger and the actual documents written by Twain that served as its source material....It is my understanding that the Great White Brotherhood? is made up of persons Satan himself has chosen....If the Devil were to speak throug a man, who better than Twain. Very Interesting will have to look at this some more. I was trying to find out if Twain ever did any "automatic" writing.
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 12:22 pm
Very cool stuff, STR. Thanks for the info... :)
Reply |LorenzoFebruary 06, 2013 - 7:55 am
Im Atheist And When I As Done Reading This Acticle It Simply made Me Laugh
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 12:26 pm
Your religious persuasion (or non religious) doesn't matter to me, Lorenzo. When it's all said and done, we're all just people. But I am very glad I was able to brighten your day. That's all I really try to do... :)
Reply |Chris P. BaconFebruary 06, 2013 - 8:39 am
I believe that Satan put those strange parts in the Bible. There is no other explanation, and to argue this fact would be futile. "And he layeth his head on the box of Twinkies and sobbed" (Scott 6:24)
Reply |dee hollandFebruary 06, 2013 - 9:57 am
i think that you should have studied the bible and talked with a pastor of a christian church, before making this mockery of God in the newspaper, those stories have meanings to them. Don't mock God.If only you knew how much God love and cares for you and desires you, you would be talking about His love instead of making fun of his word. yes i Believe in God, but I also know what God has done for me. I've seen people that were drug addicts,gang members, ect. give their lives to God and lives be forever changed and them become good to our society. But it was by the changing power and grace of God. SOmething you might not understand right now.i pray one day you will.
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 12:41 pm
@Dee Holland-- I am simply bringing to light a few lesser-known Bible stories. The Bible is full of very awkward tales. When they stand alone (like these do), it's tough to imagine why they were included at all. It wasn't my intent to come off as though I was mocking the book.
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 12:30 pm
You may be on to something there, Chris. You just never know. BTW-- are you related in any way to a guy I know named Canadian Bacon??
Reply |Rocky GracianoFebruary 06, 2013 - 10:34 am
Often times i take humor watching people like “StR” struggling to defend this poorly written book that he did not, nor had no part in writing: The Bible. Why would you do that? It is not your fault that the book turned out that way. In 2Kings 2:24, if you actually follow the “Hebrew text” where it originated from you’ll see that the author of this article was correct. (- וגם הבחורים, הקטני – “u’normin qtnim” - “and lads, small ones”) I’ve grew up in a mixed Christian family; the evils ranged between Evangelism, Catholicism, & Baptism. I say this because I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover, I continue to read it. I’ve studied & still study the historicity of it, it’s compilation, the where’s, who’s, & why’s that were involved; let me stand as an example of someone who acts on the “need to know basis”. I “care” if my beliefs are “true”, & I’d rather “know” of, instead of “believe” something with such an impact on other people’s lives & behaviors. The Bible is a book of multiple choice, or “Choose Your Own Adventure”. So, either know what I share with you, or have “faith” in what I tell you. Thank you for reading.
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 06, 2013 - 12:48 pm
I'm with you Rocky. You are not the norm however. I think that whether you read it because of faith or fact, it's never a bad thing. For me, I always find something new every time I crack it open. The end result of the Noah story, or Lot and his daughters, and so on, would surely shock a few people, hmm?
Reply |K HartleyFebruary 07, 2013 - 2:06 am
I very much doubt that bringing up these stories will cause anyone who doesn't open up the Bible to blow the dust off their unused Bibles. It is simply too easy to let others (who haven't taken the time to properly understand the context) tell them that it doesn't make sense. It will however provoke those who do study the Bible to defend it and try and explain the sense of them lest the apathetic and /or unbelieving start to believe the Bible is simply allegorical rather than truth. For example-- 2 kings 2-- The scripture doesn't say the children were killed-- they were torn/wounded (a serious but not mortal punishment) Read above the passage you quoted and see the good works that this servant of God was doing for the good of his people with miracles from God. Now consider that these disrespectful children in mocking the prophet were by extension mocking the God who was benefiting them. This was a strong but serious warning not to bite the hand that feeds you. Lesson for children: show some respect. Lesson for parents: teach your children to be respectful. Matt 21:19 Christ is not being irrational, but he was illustrating a point. The purpose of that fig tree was to bring forth fruit and when it didn't fulfill its intended purpose and so it was just wasting space-- by extension a servant of God who does not bear the expected fruits of living according to the words of Christ will also be cast aside as unprofitable. Balaam in numbers 22: 28-30 was so blinded (maddened) by his desire to receive honor from man (directly against God's orders) that it didn't register that his donkey was actually talking to him. Read 2Pe 2:15-16 (15) Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness; (16) But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet. (Correction I Sam 18:25-27 ) Finally, concerning the foreskins of the Philistines; Saul was hoping that this impossible task would be the death of David. The foreskins were only the proof of the deed.
Reply |Tim RussellFebruary 07, 2013 - 3:17 pm
I just read your article while on the toilet at work. I saw the picture of your Giants hat and thought oh wow I am a Giant fan and also a God fearing bible believer. Quite frankly your comments border on blasphemy. I wouldn't want to be wrong and certainly not want to paint a picture that I was perfect and pass judgement. The story of the Fig tree is easy to understand unless you are not a beleiver or haven't ever been fruitful in life and then you may feel convicted and regretful of wrong choices and afraid to repent and try to live an upright life. You may be a great writer but Blasphemy is unforgivable! Go Giants and God help you!
Reply |C.W. PlunkettFebruary 07, 2013 - 3:27 pm
Thanks for the comment, Tim. Believe me, blasphemy was not my intent. If you feel that that's where I took this column, then that is your opinion. Personally, I feel that I merely opened discussion on one of the many strange stories that are in the good book. I really do appreciate your input, even while you're perched on the toilet. Hope everything came out okay. And... GO Giants!!
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