Sunday, March 29, 2015
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Songs that have questions? I have answers

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | February 24, 2014 |

There are numerous songs with titles that are questions, but no one has ever taken the time to answer them.

Until today:

Q. The Beatles: “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?

A. Well, if the road is in Suisun City, I could see it because we could be out of sight in a ginormous pothole. Otherwise, it would be awkward.

Q. The Who: “Who Are You?”

A. Um . . . Tony. It’s right there by the column mug, genius.

Q: Lynyrd Skynyrd: “What’s Your Name?”

A. Did you take a blow to the head in the time it took to get to the very next question? Oh, wait . . . perhaps you are just someone who ran into me in town. In which case, I’m Kelvin.

Q. AC/DC: “Can I Sit Next To You Girl?”

A. It depends. First, if you are a guy asking a girl this question and you are wearing Axe body spray, the answer is no. Now, if you are a girl asking this question, the answer is yes and you can feel free to plop right down in the adjacent seat. Girls do not have an equivalent of the Guy Buffer Seat Rule™ that states that if guys are sitting in a public place there must, if possible, be a seat between them. It is a cousin to the Guy Urinal Rule™.

Q: Van Halen: “Why Can’t This Be Love?”

A: Well, because you are an aardvark. I hope we can still be friends, though.

Q: Culture Club: “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”

A: Of course not! I abhor violence! Oh wait . . . are you by any chance a Kansas City Chiefs fan? If so, then yes.

Q. Marvin Gaye: “What’s Going On?”

A. Nothing much, just writing a silly column.

Q: DeBarge: “Who’s Holding Donna Now?”

A: Well, I don’t know, but I hope he’s an aardvark as well because she will not stop texting me.

Q: Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?”

A: Duct tape.

Q: Janet Jackson: “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”

A. Uh, I just gave you that great tip about using duct tape on your broken heart, ingrate!

Q: Baha Men: “Who Let The Dogs Out?”

A. My evil cat, Pearl. She also threw their chew toys in the middle of the busy street while rubbing her paws together and going “Mwahahahaha!”

Q: The Lovin’ Spoonful: “Do You Believe In Magic?”

A: Duh, I’m a Lakers fan.

Q: Rod Stewart: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”

A. Compared to a dying wildebeest, most definitely!

Q: Lenny Kravitz: Are You Gonna Go My Way?

A. That depends. The answer is no if you’re one of those guys who thinks he is Lewis or Clark on an expedition and not only wouldn’t have dreamed of stopping and asking for directions back in the day, but now, after reluctantly getting GPS on your phone, routinely argues with and cusses at the digital voice navigation.

Q: The Monotones: (Who Wrote) The Book of Love?”

A. Kathleen McGowan, 2009. ISBN 9780743299978.

Q: Tina Turner: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

A. It does when you have a score of zero in tennis.

Q. LeAnn Rimes: “How Do I Live?

A. Um, inhale oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide. Eat. Drink water. Sleep. I need more challenging questions!

Q. Dionne Warwick: “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?”

A: Yes, but this #$!%&* GPS doesn’t!

Q: Journey: “Who’s Crying Now?”

A. That Denver Broncos fan/Mensa member who got a tattoo reading “Broncos XLVIII Champs” before the big game. Oops.

Q: Tom Jones: “What’s New Pussycat?”

A: First, don’t call me pussycat. Second, here’s what’s new: If one of my legion of readers, in other words both of you, send me the funniest response to one of the following songs, I will mention it in a future column along with the winning entry. Email to [email protected] Here are the songs/questions:

“Is She Really Going Out With Him?” “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?” “Who Can It Be Now?” “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” or “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?”

Q: Black Sabbath: “Am I Going Insane?”

A: I don’t think so, but then again, I get texts from aardvarks.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 20 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Rich GiddensFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:06 am

    Too funny! You forgot George Thoroughgood and Bo Didley asking ''who do ya love''?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Allison Ballinger KeeseyFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:09 am

    Tony, as always you make my day! Love your columns and the laughter they bring to my otherwise boring life.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Sandy PazFebruary 24, 2014 - 8:32 am

    But Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop? Who put the Ram in the Rama Rama ding dong?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • But .... Don't ask on a straight Tequila night !!!February 24, 2014 - 11:17 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utCsjL8MY9M

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Don't Ask Me Why by Eurythmics LyricsFebruary 24, 2014 - 11:23 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8R-cmuSBc8

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Waylon Jennings - You Ask Me ToFebruary 24, 2014 - 11:34 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeZbdwr62CA

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Don't ask Tony...after all he's just another writer....so introspective....so deep ?February 24, 2014 - 11:40 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JlbYFeeuBU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Question Everything ~ How do you get out there?February 24, 2014 - 11:45 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxEkoAUXqOc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Reuben Bell - Asking For The TruthFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:53 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXaquYbtPUM

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • C.L. And The Pictures I'm Asking Forgiveness .wmvFebruary 25, 2014 - 5:14 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eixkCWtVoo

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • NFSD....Tom Jones & Wilson Pickett - Barefootin'February 25, 2014 - 5:42 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SjQ_fZvfaE

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Tina Turner & Rod Stewart - "Get Back" & "Hot Legs" - Live 1981February 25, 2014 - 5:54 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQGGlMRBKHs

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Eagles Waisted Time lyricsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:06 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtbrgRLNFhg

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Florence and the Machine- Breath of Life Lyric VideoFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:13 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOm2fLucQ9g

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Neck and neck....Mark Knopfler & Chet AtkinsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:19 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pklluASxfA

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Heading Out to the Highway .... Bye NowFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:35 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE_kVDup2nc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Judas Priest - Heading Out To The Highway / LyricsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:44 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BDvZcbFdfU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • What would... Rob Halford sings Perry Como ..... be like ?February 25, 2014 - 6:53 am

    Very Interesting Question....

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Celebrating Perry Como's 100th BirthdayFebruary 25, 2014 - 7:10 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEugXrouAh8

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Really one last one cause I really like it... I can't tell you WhyFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:55 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmcLVI2JKqc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Vanden High library project nears completion

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Vanden girls end stellar season

By Brian Arnold | From Page: C1 | Gallery

Cheers for Jupiter – and roller derby

By Brad Stanhope | From Page: A2

 
Vacaville police make arrest after pursuit

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A3 | Gallery

Red Cross volunteers help assemble first aid kits

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
PG&E helps replace stolen equipment

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A3

Justin-Siena names new principal

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A3

 
Free paper shredding option returns to Fairfield

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
Vacaville bridal, quinceanera show a hit

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A5

Event benefits child who attends Cambridge School

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
Best barometer of investment success: Wealth

By Mark Sievers | From Page: B8

Hike in minimum wage cuts deep into businesses

By Bud Stevenson | From Page: B8

 
Tips on hydrozoning your garden

By Tina Saravia | From Page: B8, 1 Comment

 
Fairfield police log: March 27, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Suisun City police log: March 27, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

.

US / World

Gang chief, international fugitive among dozens paroled

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Experts: Sex bias case will embolden women despite verdict

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Crash victim’s father calls for more focus on pilot welfare

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Man rescued after falling 200 feet off California sea cliff

By The Associated Press | From Page: A9

Popular Yosemite National Park lookout opens early in season

By The Associated Press | From Page: A9

 
Bird flu found in a top Minnesota turkey producing county

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
Some British Airways frequent flier accounts miles breached

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

7 shot and injured at Florida spring break house party

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
Boko Haram kills 39, legislator, disrupting Nigeria election

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

Official: Al-Shabab siege at Somali hotel ends, 24 dead

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
Hundreds rally against Indiana law, say it’s discriminatory

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

Islamic fighters led by al-Qaida in Syria seize major city

By The Associated Press | From Page: A13

 
.

Opinion

Thanks for making prom dreams come true

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8

 
Free speech a right worth protecting

By Dan Walters | From Page: A8

Liberty, property rights 2 sides of same coin

By Brian Thiemer | From Page: A8

 
Sound Off: March 29, 2015

By Daily Republic | From Page: A8

 
Improve Allan Witt Park; how about rest of Fairfield?

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8

.

Living

Today in History: March 29, 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: March 29, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Pope finds popularity and dissent at 2-year mark

By The Associated Press | From Page: C3

 
Truth does not change

By The Rev. Art Zacher | From Page: C3

Horoscopes: March 29, 2015

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: B8

 
Daughter choses stepdad over father to walk her down the aisle

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: B8

.

Entertainment

PUBLISHERS WEEKLY BEST-SELLERS

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Second Julie Andrews memoir expected in 2017

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Chrissie Hynde memoir coming in September

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B12

.

Sports

 
Warriors beat Bucks 108-95, clinch top seed in West

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Wisconsin heads to Final Four after 85-78 win over Arizona

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Burns scores winner in SO to lift Sharks past Flyers, 3-2

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Power leads Penske sweep in qualifying for IndyCar opener

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Revolution win first of season, beating Earthquakes 2-1

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Jenest pitches SCC baseball team to shutout of Contra Costa

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B2

AP sources: Texas fires coach Barnes after 17 years

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Kazmir, Quintana both strong; A’s beat White Sox 10-4

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Zunino homers twice, but Giants rally to edge Mariners 9-8

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Gordon, Earnhardt among the winners and fans of Martinsville

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Prince Bishop wins Dubai World Cup, California Chrome 2nd

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Serena Williams easily wins opening match at Miami Open

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Jimmy Walker leads hometown Texas Open

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
.

Business

A glance at women in leadership roles in business worldwide

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
For business, more women in charge means bigger profits

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8 | Gallery

US drillers scrambling to thwart OPEC threat

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8 | Gallery

 
Test trial to use computer servers to heat homes

By The Associated Press | From Page: B14

.

Obituaries

Robert Roberts

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Janice Jewel Thompson

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

Betty Mason

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Tiffany Lyn (Helzer) Kemp

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

Richard F. Coleman

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
James Lee Lewis

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

Helen Kalis

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Carol A. Vose

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

.

Comics