FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
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Local lifestyle columnists

Songs that have questions? I have answers

By From page A2 | February 24, 2014

There are numerous songs with titles that are questions, but no one has ever taken the time to answer them.

Until today:

Q. The Beatles: “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?

A. Well, if the road is in Suisun City, I could see it because we could be out of sight in a ginormous pothole. Otherwise, it would be awkward.

Q. The Who: “Who Are You?”

A. Um . . . Tony. It’s right there by the column mug, genius.

Q: Lynyrd Skynyrd: “What’s Your Name?”

A. Did you take a blow to the head in the time it took to get to the very next question? Oh, wait . . . perhaps you are just someone who ran into me in town. In which case, I’m Kelvin.

Q. AC/DC: “Can I Sit Next To You Girl?”

A. It depends. First, if you are a guy asking a girl this question and you are wearing Axe body spray, the answer is no. Now, if you are a girl asking this question, the answer is yes and you can feel free to plop right down in the adjacent seat. Girls do not have an equivalent of the Guy Buffer Seat Rule™ that states that if guys are sitting in a public place there must, if possible, be a seat between them. It is a cousin to the Guy Urinal Rule™.

Q: Van Halen: “Why Can’t This Be Love?”

A: Well, because you are an aardvark. I hope we can still be friends, though.

Q: Culture Club: “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”

A: Of course not! I abhor violence! Oh wait . . . are you by any chance a Kansas City Chiefs fan? If so, then yes.

Q. Marvin Gaye: “What’s Going On?”

A. Nothing much, just writing a silly column.

Q: DeBarge: “Who’s Holding Donna Now?”

A: Well, I don’t know, but I hope he’s an aardvark as well because she will not stop texting me.

Q: Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?”

A: Duct tape.

Q: Janet Jackson: “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”

A. Uh, I just gave you that great tip about using duct tape on your broken heart, ingrate!

Q: Baha Men: “Who Let The Dogs Out?”

A. My evil cat, Pearl. She also threw their chew toys in the middle of the busy street while rubbing her paws together and going “Mwahahahaha!”

Q: The Lovin’ Spoonful: “Do You Believe In Magic?”

A: Duh, I’m a Lakers fan.

Q: Rod Stewart: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”

A. Compared to a dying wildebeest, most definitely!

Q: Lenny Kravitz: Are You Gonna Go My Way?

A. That depends. The answer is no if you’re one of those guys who thinks he is Lewis or Clark on an expedition and not only wouldn’t have dreamed of stopping and asking for directions back in the day, but now, after reluctantly getting GPS on your phone, routinely argues with and cusses at the digital voice navigation.

Q: The Monotones: (Who Wrote) The Book of Love?”

A. Kathleen McGowan, 2009. ISBN 9780743299978.

Q: Tina Turner: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

A. It does when you have a score of zero in tennis.

Q. LeAnn Rimes: “How Do I Live?

A. Um, inhale oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide. Eat. Drink water. Sleep. I need more challenging questions!

Q. Dionne Warwick: “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?”

A: Yes, but this #$!%&* GPS doesn’t!

Q: Journey: “Who’s Crying Now?”

A. That Denver Broncos fan/Mensa member who got a tattoo reading “Broncos XLVIII Champs” before the big game. Oops.

Q: Tom Jones: “What’s New Pussycat?”

A: First, don’t call me pussycat. Second, here’s what’s new: If one of my legion of readers, in other words both of you, send me the funniest response to one of the following songs, I will mention it in a future column along with the winning entry. Email to [email protected] Here are the songs/questions:

“Is She Really Going Out With Him?” “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?” “Who Can It Be Now?” “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” or “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?”

Q: Black Sabbath: “Am I Going Insane?”

A: I don’t think so, but then again, I get texts from aardvarks.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
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Discussion | 20 comments

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  • Rich GiddensFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:06 am

    Too funny! You forgot George Thoroughgood and Bo Didley asking ''who do ya love''?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Allison Ballinger KeeseyFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:09 am

    Tony, as always you make my day! Love your columns and the laughter they bring to my otherwise boring life.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Sandy PazFebruary 24, 2014 - 8:32 am

    But Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop? Who put the Ram in the Rama Rama ding dong?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • But .... Don't ask on a straight Tequila night !!!February 24, 2014 - 11:17 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utCsjL8MY9M

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Don't Ask Me Why by Eurythmics LyricsFebruary 24, 2014 - 11:23 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8R-cmuSBc8

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Waylon Jennings - You Ask Me ToFebruary 24, 2014 - 11:34 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeZbdwr62CA

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Don't ask Tony...after all he's just another writer....so introspective....so deep ?February 24, 2014 - 11:40 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JlbYFeeuBU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Question Everything ~ How do you get out there?February 24, 2014 - 11:45 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxEkoAUXqOc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Reuben Bell - Asking For The TruthFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:53 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXaquYbtPUM

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • C.L. And The Pictures I'm Asking Forgiveness .wmvFebruary 25, 2014 - 5:14 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eixkCWtVoo

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • NFSD....Tom Jones & Wilson Pickett - Barefootin'February 25, 2014 - 5:42 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SjQ_fZvfaE

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Tina Turner & Rod Stewart - "Get Back" & "Hot Legs" - Live 1981February 25, 2014 - 5:54 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQGGlMRBKHs

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Eagles Waisted Time lyricsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:06 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtbrgRLNFhg

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Florence and the Machine- Breath of Life Lyric VideoFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:13 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOm2fLucQ9g

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Neck and neck....Mark Knopfler & Chet AtkinsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:19 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pklluASxfA

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Heading Out to the Highway .... Bye NowFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:35 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE_kVDup2nc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Judas Priest - Heading Out To The Highway / LyricsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:44 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BDvZcbFdfU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • What would... Rob Halford sings Perry Como ..... be like ?February 25, 2014 - 6:53 am

    Very Interesting Question....

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Celebrating Perry Como's 100th BirthdayFebruary 25, 2014 - 7:10 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEugXrouAh8

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Really one last one cause I really like it... I can't tell you WhyFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:55 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmcLVI2JKqc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
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