There are numerous songs with titles that are questions, but no one has ever taken the time to answer them.
Q. The Beatles: “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”
A. Well, if the road is in Suisun City, I could see it because we could be out of sight in a ginormous pothole. Otherwise, it would be awkward.
Q. The Who: “Who Are You?”
A. Um . . . Tony. It’s right there by the column mug, genius.
Q: Lynyrd Skynyrd: “What’s Your Name?”
A. Did you take a blow to the head in the time it took to get to the very next question? Oh, wait . . . perhaps you are just someone who ran into me in town. In which case, I’m Kelvin.
Q. AC/DC: “Can I Sit Next To You Girl?”
A. It depends. First, if you are a guy asking a girl this question and you are wearing Axe body spray, the answer is no. Now, if you are a girl asking this question, the answer is yes and you can feel free to plop right down in the adjacent seat. Girls do not have an equivalent of the Guy Buffer Seat Rule™ that states that if guys are sitting in a public place there must, if possible, be a seat between them. It is a cousin to the Guy Urinal Rule™.
Q: Van Halen: “Why Can’t This Be Love?”
A: Well, because you are an aardvark. I hope we can still be friends, though.
Q: Culture Club: “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”
A: Of course not! I abhor violence! Oh wait . . . are you by any chance a Kansas City Chiefs fan? If so, then yes.
Q. Marvin Gaye: “What’s Going On?”
A. Nothing much, just writing a silly column.
Q: DeBarge: “Who’s Holding Donna Now?”
A: Well, I don’t know, but I hope he’s an aardvark as well because she will not stop texting me.
Q: Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?”
A: Duct tape.
Q: Janet Jackson: “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”
A. Uh, I just gave you that great tip about using duct tape on your broken heart, ingrate!
Q: Baha Men: “Who Let The Dogs Out?”
A. My evil cat, Pearl. She also threw their chew toys in the middle of the busy street while rubbing her paws together and going “Mwahahahaha!”
Q: The Lovin’ Spoonful: “Do You Believe In Magic?”
A: Duh, I’m a Lakers fan.
Q: Rod Stewart: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”
A. Compared to a dying wildebeest, most definitely!
Q: Lenny Kravitz: “Are You Gonna Go My Way?”
A. That depends. The answer is no if you’re one of those guys who thinks he is Lewis or Clark on an expedition and not only wouldn’t have dreamed of stopping and asking for directions back in the day, but now, after reluctantly getting GPS on your phone, routinely argues with and cusses at the digital voice navigation.
Q: The Monotones: “(Who Wrote) The Book of Love?”
A. Kathleen McGowan, 2009. ISBN 9780743299978.
Q: Tina Turner: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”
A. It does when you have a score of zero in tennis.
Q. LeAnn Rimes: “How Do I Live?”
A. Um, inhale oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide. Eat. Drink water. Sleep. I need more challenging questions!
Q. Dionne Warwick: “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?”
A: Yes, but this #$!%&* GPS doesn’t!
Q: Journey: “Who’s Crying Now?”
A. That Denver Broncos fan/Mensa member who got a tattoo reading “Broncos XLVIII Champs” before the big game. Oops.
Q: Tom Jones: “What’s New Pussycat?”
A: First, don’t call me pussycat. Second, here’s what’s new: If one of my legion of readers, in other words both of you, send me the funniest response to one of the following songs, I will mention it in a future column along with the winning entry. Email to email@example.com. Here are the songs/questions:
“Is She Really Going Out With Him?” “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?” “Who Can It Be Now?” “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” or “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?”
Q: Black Sabbath: “Am I Going Insane?”
A: I don’t think so, but then again, I get texts from aardvarks.
Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at firstname.lastname@example.org.