Saturday, December 20, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Songs that have questions? I have answers

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | February 24, 2014 |

There are numerous songs with titles that are questions, but no one has ever taken the time to answer them.

Until today:

Q. The Beatles: “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?

A. Well, if the road is in Suisun City, I could see it because we could be out of sight in a ginormous pothole. Otherwise, it would be awkward.

Q. The Who: “Who Are You?”

A. Um . . . Tony. It’s right there by the column mug, genius.

Q: Lynyrd Skynyrd: “What’s Your Name?”

A. Did you take a blow to the head in the time it took to get to the very next question? Oh, wait . . . perhaps you are just someone who ran into me in town. In which case, I’m Kelvin.

Q. AC/DC: “Can I Sit Next To You Girl?”

A. It depends. First, if you are a guy asking a girl this question and you are wearing Axe body spray, the answer is no. Now, if you are a girl asking this question, the answer is yes and you can feel free to plop right down in the adjacent seat. Girls do not have an equivalent of the Guy Buffer Seat Rule™ that states that if guys are sitting in a public place there must, if possible, be a seat between them. It is a cousin to the Guy Urinal Rule™.

Q: Van Halen: “Why Can’t This Be Love?”

A: Well, because you are an aardvark. I hope we can still be friends, though.

Q: Culture Club: “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”

A: Of course not! I abhor violence! Oh wait . . . are you by any chance a Kansas City Chiefs fan? If so, then yes.

Q. Marvin Gaye: “What’s Going On?”

A. Nothing much, just writing a silly column.

Q: DeBarge: “Who’s Holding Donna Now?”

A: Well, I don’t know, but I hope he’s an aardvark as well because she will not stop texting me.

Q: Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?”

A: Duct tape.

Q: Janet Jackson: “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”

A. Uh, I just gave you that great tip about using duct tape on your broken heart, ingrate!

Q: Baha Men: “Who Let The Dogs Out?”

A. My evil cat, Pearl. She also threw their chew toys in the middle of the busy street while rubbing her paws together and going “Mwahahahaha!”

Q: The Lovin’ Spoonful: “Do You Believe In Magic?”

A: Duh, I’m a Lakers fan.

Q: Rod Stewart: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”

A. Compared to a dying wildebeest, most definitely!

Q: Lenny Kravitz: Are You Gonna Go My Way?

A. That depends. The answer is no if you’re one of those guys who thinks he is Lewis or Clark on an expedition and not only wouldn’t have dreamed of stopping and asking for directions back in the day, but now, after reluctantly getting GPS on your phone, routinely argues with and cusses at the digital voice navigation.

Q: The Monotones: (Who Wrote) The Book of Love?”

A. Kathleen McGowan, 2009. ISBN 9780743299978.

Q: Tina Turner: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

A. It does when you have a score of zero in tennis.

Q. LeAnn Rimes: “How Do I Live?

A. Um, inhale oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide. Eat. Drink water. Sleep. I need more challenging questions!

Q. Dionne Warwick: “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?”

A: Yes, but this #$!%&* GPS doesn’t!

Q: Journey: “Who’s Crying Now?”

A. That Denver Broncos fan/Mensa member who got a tattoo reading “Broncos XLVIII Champs” before the big game. Oops.

Q: Tom Jones: “What’s New Pussycat?”

A: First, don’t call me pussycat. Second, here’s what’s new: If one of my legion of readers, in other words both of you, send me the funniest response to one of the following songs, I will mention it in a future column along with the winning entry. Email to toekneeweighed@gmail.com. Here are the songs/questions:

“Is She Really Going Out With Him?” “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?” “Who Can It Be Now?” “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” or “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?”

Q: Black Sabbath: “Am I Going Insane?”

A: I don’t think so, but then again, I get texts from aardvarks.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 20 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Rich GiddensFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:06 am

    Too funny! You forgot George Thoroughgood and Bo Didley asking ''who do ya love''?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Allison Ballinger KeeseyFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:09 am

    Tony, as always you make my day! Love your columns and the laughter they bring to my otherwise boring life.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Sandy PazFebruary 24, 2014 - 8:32 am

    But Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop? Who put the Ram in the Rama Rama ding dong?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • But .... Don't ask on a straight Tequila night !!!February 24, 2014 - 11:17 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utCsjL8MY9M

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Don't Ask Me Why by Eurythmics LyricsFebruary 24, 2014 - 11:23 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8R-cmuSBc8

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Waylon Jennings - You Ask Me ToFebruary 24, 2014 - 11:34 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeZbdwr62CA

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Don't ask Tony...after all he's just another writer....so introspective....so deep ?February 24, 2014 - 11:40 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JlbYFeeuBU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Question Everything ~ How do you get out there?February 24, 2014 - 11:45 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxEkoAUXqOc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Reuben Bell - Asking For The TruthFebruary 24, 2014 - 7:53 pm

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXaquYbtPUM

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • C.L. And The Pictures I'm Asking Forgiveness .wmvFebruary 25, 2014 - 5:14 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eixkCWtVoo

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • NFSD....Tom Jones & Wilson Pickett - Barefootin'February 25, 2014 - 5:42 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SjQ_fZvfaE

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Tina Turner & Rod Stewart - "Get Back" & "Hot Legs" - Live 1981February 25, 2014 - 5:54 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQGGlMRBKHs

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Eagles Waisted Time lyricsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:06 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtbrgRLNFhg

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Florence and the Machine- Breath of Life Lyric VideoFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:13 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOm2fLucQ9g

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Neck and neck....Mark Knopfler & Chet AtkinsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:19 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pklluASxfA

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Heading Out to the Highway .... Bye NowFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:35 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE_kVDup2nc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Judas Priest - Heading Out To The Highway / LyricsFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:44 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BDvZcbFdfU

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • What would... Rob Halford sings Perry Como ..... be like ?February 25, 2014 - 6:53 am

    Very Interesting Question....

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Celebrating Perry Como's 100th BirthdayFebruary 25, 2014 - 7:10 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEugXrouAh8

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Really one last one cause I really like it... I can't tell you WhyFebruary 25, 2014 - 6:55 am

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmcLVI2JKqc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Creche collection grows in size, popularity

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Handmade Christmas display is man’s labor of love

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
 
 
Company competition a big win for charity

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
Meeting a great role model at any age

By Murray Bass | From Page: B5

Fairfield police log: Dec. 18, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A9

 
Suisun City police log: Dec. 18, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A9

Weather for Dec. 20, 2014

By Daily Republic | From Page: B12

 
.

US / World

No harm caused by flames at Northern California refinery

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

 
Wetter than usual start to new year in California predicted

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

Hospital to pay $2.2M to settle false claims

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

 
Napolitano named as UC public policy professor

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

Man shocked 20 times during jail booking sues

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

 
Notorious California graffiti suspect arrested

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

Island park in San Francisco Bay closed for weekend

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

 
California’s bullet train settles 1 of 7 lawsuits

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Tuskegee Airman Lowell Steward dies in California at 95

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4 | Gallery

 
Animal rights activists take California rodeo to court

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Bush officials gave CIA wide latitude

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Theater shooter’s parents plead for his life

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Driver pleads not guilty in pedestrian deaths

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
5 ways to make your email safer in case of a hack attack

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Celebrities react to latest Sony hack developments

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
2012 movie massacre hung over ‘Interview’ decision

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Sony on shelving ‘The Interview': ‘We had no choice’

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Obama says North Korea hacked Sony, vows response

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

AP Interview: Coelho says Sony hack threatens all

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Jury rules for Indiana woman in firing over IVF

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Bergdahl investigation wraps up; top leaders get briefings

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Texas eatery worker gets mink coat from customer

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Sugarland, promoter settle with state fair victims

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
NY police officer suspended after videotaped punch

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Prepackaged caramel apples linked to 4 deaths

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Supreme Court won’t stop gay marriages in Florida

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Staples: Customer data exposed in security breach

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Lava could reach Hawaii shopping center in 8 days

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Pakistan executes militants and bombards tribal areas

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
Franciscan religious order in ‘grave’ financial crisis

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

Australian woman arrested in deaths of 8 children

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
Israel carries out airstrike on Hamas site in Gaza

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

.

Opinion

Yes, Virginia, the Santa wish list has gone digital

By Petula Dvorak | From Page: A8

 
Editorial Cartoon: Dec. 20, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
If you want to help the poor, fix the safety net

By Jim Tankersley | From Page: A8

.

Living

Community Calendar: Dec. 20, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

 
Today in History: Dec. 20, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

Pampered pets that don duds move to the mainstream

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

 
Horoscopes: Dec. 20, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: B11

Children from wife’s first marriage put father’s ashes in coffin

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: B11

 
.

Entertainment

More than 4 million people watched 1st dog telethon

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

 
Kim Jong Un game spoof ‘Glorious Leader!’ moving forward

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7 | Gallery

Marathon bombing survivor in ‘Yes to Dress’ finale

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

 
Kid Rock to perform pre-race concert at Daytona 500

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

Actor Stephen Collins denies he’s a pedophile in interview

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

 
.

Sports

 
Raiders haven’t needed much from Janikowski

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

AP sources: Peavy agrees on $24M, 2-year deal with Giants

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Dodge, Vaca grad Mason lead Southern Oregon to NAIA title

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

FIFA will not reopen 2018 and 2022 World Cup votes

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Howe’s family reports rapid improvement

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

2 Armstrong associates settle lawsuit with Landis

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Rays, Padres, Nats complete 11-player trade involving Myers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Vanden girls open Nike TOC with win on Arizona

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B2

 
Things to know about Friday’s baseball news

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Rookie receivers making their mark in NFL

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Former boxing champ Ernie Terrell dies at 75

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Gold medalist Phelps pleads guilty to DUI, avoids jail time

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Dodgers end Yanks’ payroll streak, owe most tax

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

CIF football bowl games headed to Sacramento

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B3

 
Cal men beat Eastern Washington 78-67 for seventh straight win

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

This date in sports history for Saturday, Dec. 20, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
.

Business

California unemployment rate dips to 7.2 percent

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
Chrysler gives in to gov’t, expands air bag recall

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

T-Mobile paying at least $90M for unwanted services

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
EPA sets first national standard for coal waste

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

Sales for holiday shopping season comes down to the wire

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6 | Gallery

 
.

Obituaries

Marian Kay Zutz

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Judy Zamora Rogers

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

Dominic C. Scolaro

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
.

Comics

Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

 
Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B10

Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

 
Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

 
Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

 
.

Home Seller 12/20/14

Real estate transactions for Dec. 20, 2014

By Daily Republic | From Page: HSR2

Ask a Designer: decorating with Christmas trees

By The Associated Press | From Page: HSR2