Thursday, July 31, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Some stray ideas I herded together

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | December 17, 2012 |

I’ve had people ask me how I come up with column ideas and the usual answer is, “I stole it from a 1974 Mad Magazine.” Other times, ideas just come to me and I flesh them out.

Sometimes promising ideas become horrible columns. I used to delete those until I discovered I could still publish inferior columns in the Daily Republic under my pseudonym: “Brad Stanhope.”

Still other times, ideas are just not long enough for a whole column. Such as the following:

British invasion collaboration: I watched some of the Sandy benefit concert last week and it rekindled an idea I had. Keith Moon and John Entwhistle, the drummer and bass guitarist for The Who, are both deceased. John Lennon and George Harrison, the rhythm and lead guitarists for the Beatles, have also now joined the supergroup in the sky.

My idea is for the surviving members of The Who, Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, team up with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr to form The WhoBeatles. They could combine hit songs, including “Won’t Get Fooled on the Hill Again,” “Baba O’Riley’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” and “Boris the Spider Wants to Hold Your Hand.”

Memory embellishment: It’s funny how when you tell a story a number of times it starts to get embellished. For example, I remember the first time I ever saw Beth Stevens – now my wife of nearly 18 years. It was in church on Sunday, Dec. 5, 1993. When I laid eyes on her, “I’ve Been Waiting for a Girl Like You” by Foreigner began playing in my head.

The first time Beth saw me, cartoon hearts danced merrily around her head in time to the Hallelujah Chorus. When she got to know me months later, she gave up an opportunity she’d been offered to teach at Harvard to stay with me.

Actually, Beth’s first reaction to me was that my big head was blocking her view of the preacher. Oh, and she did give up a teaching job to stay with me but, uh, not exactly at Harvard.

To seal or not to seal: I have contacted my congressman about introducing legislation to make resealable containers available only for appropriate items. The french fries I get from the supermarket are not sold in a resealable bag, but should be. The tube socks I get from the department store are in a resealable bag, but shouldn’t be. In a related cause, I would urge for making the act of putting your socks back into a resealable bag, washed or not, to be a crime. You’re welcome.

Man card revocation habeas corpus: I think it is un-American to revoke someone’s Man Card for a violation without the opportunity to defend yourself. When I admitted that I not only liked the chick flick “Beaches” but (gulp) owned the soundtrack, I took my punishment, well, like a man. But for me to again get dinged for liking “Legends of the Fall” is just not right. I mean, it has Brad Pitt literally cutting his brother’s heart out of his chest and later scalping people – not a chick flick. I demand my day in Man Card court!

Facebook comedian: I told my wife a joke recently based on a Facebook post by George Takei. It was Wednesday (12/12/12) and National Mike Check Day – “1-2-1-2-1-2.” It elicited a chuckle from her and gave me the brain sprinkle to become the world’s first Facebook stand-up comedian.

I don’t mean to be a comedian who performs on Facebook, but one who “borrows” all his material from postings on the social network site. I print out funny pictures and sayings, blow them up to poster size at Fed Ex Kinko’s and then just hold them up on stage. After debuting my act on open mike night at Pepperbelly’s I discovered:

1. Cat pictures that are funny on your computer screen aren’t necessarily funny on a placard.

2. People in the balcony can’t see pictures from the stage.

3. Describing the pictures doesn’t help.

4. There’s a reason no one tried this before.

5. It is really easy to bat items thrown at you with a huge placard.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade aka Brad Stanhope at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | No comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

It’s ‘camping for 30′ at the Solano fair

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Cities dealing with state drought rules

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1 | Gallery

Muralist helps locals ready for some painted wall history

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Rejection makes us each stronger

By Angela Borchert | From Page: A2

 
Highway 12 crash sends 2 to hospital

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A3, 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Mall to host Ultimate Army Throw Down

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A4

 
Police release name of Vallejo homicide victim

By Glen Faison | From Page: A4, 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Fairfield police log: July 29, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

Suisun City police log: July 29, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
.

US / World

Peace Corps evacuates over Ebola as 2 isolated

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Pipe break that flooded UCLA dumps 20M gallons

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4 | Gallery

Deadly Israeli strikes hit UN school, market area

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
Obama takes tougher line against Gaza casualties

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

AP Analysis: Amid war, endgames in Gaza emerge

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
2 women survive ordeal along Indiana rail bridge

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Ex-IRS official called conservatives ‘crazies

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Dissent quieted with most Israelis behind Gaza war

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Suing Obama: GOP-led House gives the go-ahead

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

 
Congress cooperates – and fights – as recess nears

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

Powell maybe not told early about CIA techniques

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

 
Crews work to keep Yosemite fire from sequoias

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

Sanctions will damage Russia if not lifted quickly

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

 
Clashes prevent experts from reaching bodies

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

.

Opinion

 
Cruz gets border crisis wrong

By Ruben Navarrette | From Page: A11

Editorial Cartoons: July 31, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

 
What happened to the US?

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A11, 9 Comments

Am I blaming victims?

By Kelvin Wade | From Page: A11, 1 Comment

 
Why ‘compassionate conservatism’ is still dead

By Ramesh Ponnuru | From Page: A11

.

Living

Community Calendar: July 31, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

 
Today in History for July 31, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

Horoscopes for July 31, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

 
I want to change my daughters last name to my maiden name

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Commentary: ‘Orphan Black,’ Emmy snubs and questions of identity

By Los Angeles Times | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Allison Williams headed skyward as NBC’s Peter Pan

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Contract dispute delays ‘Big Bang’ production

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

.

Sports

Complete game shutout lifts Expos to State Tournament win

By Marcus Lomtong | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Hammel fails again for Athletics in loss to Astros

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Ray Guy’s long wait for Hall of Fame comes to end

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Raiders owner confirms talks with San Antonio

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Lloyd’s film watching impresses 49ers teammates

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
SF benefits from Pirates’ blunder, ends skid at 6

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Stanford star Ty Montgomery rehabbing shoulder

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
Greg Ives to crew chief Earnhardt in 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3 | Gallery

Steelers to retire Hall of Famer Greene’s No. 75

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Fairfield-Suisun 6U Bobby Sox win titles

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B4

Usain Bolt in controversy at Commonwealth Games

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Indians trade pitcher Masterson to Cardinals

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Riley speaks out, insists Heat will be competitive

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Nadal out of 2 tournaments because of right wrist

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Pipe break that flooded UCLA dumps 20M gallons

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
.

Business

US judge slaps $1.3B fine on Bank of America

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5, 1 Comment

 
A more vigorous US economy appears to be emerging

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

Overhaul approved for troubled California refinery

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
Judge says Crystal CEO should testify in lawsuit

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7, 1 Comment

.

Obituaries

Clifford C. Hemler

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4, 1 Comment

 
Louise Scholten

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

Ronald Witt Escue Sr.

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
Scott Allen Shaver

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

.

Comics

Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9