So long, and thanks for all the fish

Is all this talk about the end of the world making you ill? Is the Mayan calendar causing you some malaise? Dare I say, a kind of Mayan-aise?

Take a look at what’s happening around the world: megastorm Sandy, Middle East turmoil, earthquakes, famine, hurricanes, zombies biting people’s faces off, floods, killer robots roaming the countrysides, goats attacking people and Twinkies no longer being sold.

Sounds like the end of the world to me!

Let me lay this on you: Snooki is a mother and a best-selling author. I believe that signifies the breaking of the sixth seal in the book of Revelation. Cue the creepy music!

There’s more UFO sightings recently. A lot more! Coincidence? Perhaps. But just last month, a UFO was spotted by hundreds in the skies over Denver. The Federal Aviation Administration and the North American Aerospace Defense Command couldn’t identify it, while aviation experts merely shrugged. Was it a flock of birds? Hardly! Underdog? Hmm. Or . . . could it be the beginning of an alien armada of outer space Realtors getting ready to foreclose on the planet Earth?

It’s time to get down to some cold, hard facts. Just who are these “Mayans,” and why do they think they’re so smart?

Well, for starters, they were one of the first civilizations to develop a written language. They were using modern mathematical methods and building massive celestial observatories while Europe was still struggling in the Dark Ages.

Not impressed? How about this: They built ancient monoliths and some of the largest step-pyramids the world has ever seen and they did it all without using sophisticated tools, pulleys, wheels or any sort of pack animals.

Still not impressed? Try this on: They were gold-medal astronomers. They measured the length of a solar year with incredible accuracy (far more accurate than what was being used in Europe). They also created a “long count” calendar that lasts for 5,125 years and began in 3,114 BC. Guess when that calendar ends. That’s right, it ends in two days. (Cue the spooky music again!)

They also knew that every 26,000 years the Earth, sun and the center of the Milky Way galaxy will all be in perfect alignment, possibly causing shifts in the Earth’s axis and magnetic shifts on its poles. This galactic alignment and pole-shifting could trigger a wave of natural disasters of biblical proportions. Superstorm Sandy, Hurricane Katrina, the Japanese tsunami, the 9.0-magnitude earthquakes in Chile and Japan . . . they would all seem like child’s play.

When is all of this supposed to happen? That’s right, in two days.

That’s not even the half of it. There’s a list of ancient Chinese predictions that’s called the I-Ching prophecies. They foretell an oncoming Armageddon. Do you know when those prophecies predict that this will happen? You guessed it, Dec. 21, 2012. In two days!

Am I worried? Nah. To me, this is yet another event on the long list of things to try to scare the bejesus out of us. Whether it comes from Harold Camping, Nostradamus or an ancient civilization that died out more than 1,000 years ago, I’m not buying it. I look at it this way, if it actually does happen, whatta ya gonna do? All you can do is hug your kids, family and friends, tell them that you love them and kiss your butt goodbye.

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret that should put your minds at ease: The world isn’t going to end in two days. I guarantee it! How can I be so certain of this? I know this because in the movie, “Back to the Future II,” Marty McFly travels forward in time to the year 2015. I mean, how could that possibly happen if the world had been destroyed in 2012?

Stupid Mayans! Sometimes even ancient civilizations get their apocalyptic prophecies messed up. I can’t guarantee anything after 2015, though. But until then, we’re good to go.

Just in case things don’t work out so well . . . it was nice knowing all of you.

Reach C.W. Plunkett at cwplunkett33@yahoo.com, at least until Thursday.

C.W. Plunkett

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