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Local lifestyle columnists

Politics, schmolitics and other election year musings

By From page A2 | May 19, 2014

Since it is an election year, today’s offering is all about politics – kinda. I want to throw my hat into the ring. Literally. I have been practicing throwing my hat into a ring and I have gotten pretty darn good at it.

Gastronomical Political Endorsement Plans

There is no shame to my game – I can be bought. Cheap. I don’t need any political favors or anything to write a ringing endorsement for someone in this here newspaper. Like the Audrey II in “Little Shop of Horrors,” all endorsement seekers have to do is just feed me, Seymour.

My breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, supper and snack endorsement plans cover the gamut of local eateries. Anything from Vegan Paradice to Monsoon Burgers all the way to a huge Evelyn’s pizza depending on your particular needs.

All local politicians need do is stuff my belly and I will in turn stuff a column with ample fluff. Flowery adjectives are extra and require a separate take-out order.

Hot Cereal Uniformity Legislation

If I was to be elected to a state office, my top priority would be to straighten out the hot cereal madness that is now running rampant everywhere – or at least in my kitchen in the mornings.

I mean, if you want oatmeal you have to boil the water, add the oatmeal and then cook it for five minutes. For Cream of Wheat, you boil the water, add the cereal and then cook it for two and a half minutes. For Oat Bran, you put the cereal in the cold water, bring it to a boil and then simmer it for a minute.

As for grits? Well, who has 20 minutes to wait for their food to cook in the morning? Since I am from Virginia and no self-respecting Southerner would be caught dead using – pshaw – instant grits, don’t even go there.

I would ramrod a bill through the Legislature making it a law that all hot cereals have to be cooked the same way so I, and my constituent in the mirror, don’t have to check the respective box every morning.

Campaign Mailers

Since I realize that most of the time political mailers go directly from the mailbox to the trash, mine would come with pre-cut perforations making it easy to tear up into a zillion pieces and be printed on recycled paper – not glossy card stock – so they can be shredded super easy.

Dirty Tricks

Political dirty tricks I would not be above if a candidate:

  • Painting Tom Selleck/South American Dictator-esque mustaches on an opponent’s campaign posters.
  • Calling voter’s homes and pretending to be for my opponent using an Arnold Schwarzenegger Internet soundboard featuring clips from the movie “Kindergarten Cop” including “Who is your daddy, and what does he do?” and “Stop whining!”


Fairfield Mayor Harry Price’s idea to create a Mayor’s Commission on Crime was good, but he forgot one important component – blue ribbons. A Blue Ribbon Mayor’s Commission on Crime will have more success than a ribbon-less one. While Price’s idea to combat Fairfield crime has been criticized, it is way better than my one solution – having the award-winning Grange Middle School GrizzlyBots robotics team make Robocop a reality.


I think debates would be much more entertaining if the candidates agreed on the following stipulations beforehand:

  • If accused of something, either side can dispute the other by using “Did not!” or “Did Too!” without actually going into detail, as many times as they would like. However, if one of the candidates catches the other by cleverly changing their expected response to what the other says and does so at exactly the same time, he can then use a carefully placed “Jinx!” The opponent must then be silent the rest of the debate. If the opponent has the unmitigated temerity to ignore the sacred Jinx and speak, the “poke and you owe me a Coke” rule will be applied.
  • If either side realizes they are losing the debate, they can simply yell “Challenge!” A gong will sound and both candidates will don diaper wedgies and finish the debate Sumo-style.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade

Discussion | 2 comments

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  • Mayor SanchezMay 19, 2014 - 10:18 am

    Take heed Chamber of Commerce. Consider Tony's Debate Suggestions next time and watch local debate popularity soar!!! : )

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  • General Fadi BasemMay 19, 2014 - 5:52 pm

    Tonester you forgot to include me and my peeps--you know, we be the members of the voting public that just adore the "...rhythmic shaking of woman’s rear end when dancing to the way a red-nosed pit bull shakes its head from side to side." When you are running for political office today, it is important to determine a candidate's stance on the booty shaking question--more booty or less? Don't get me wrong here--I'm all about positivity. So what is your position on the pooper? Mo' booty or less booty? Weeeees just gots to no!

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