Since it is an election year, today’s offering is all about politics – kinda. I want to throw my hat into the ring. Literally. I have been practicing throwing my hat into a ring and I have gotten pretty darn good at it.
Gastronomical Political Endorsement Plans
There is no shame to my game – I can be bought. Cheap. I don’t need any political favors or anything to write a ringing endorsement for someone in this here newspaper. Like the Audrey II in “Little Shop of Horrors,” all endorsement seekers have to do is just feed me, Seymour.
My breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, supper and snack endorsement plans cover the gamut of local eateries. Anything from Vegan Paradice to Monsoon Burgers all the way to a huge Evelyn’s pizza depending on your particular needs.
All local politicians need do is stuff my belly and I will in turn stuff a column with ample fluff. Flowery adjectives are extra and require a separate take-out order.
Hot Cereal Uniformity Legislation
If I was to be elected to a state office, my top priority would be to straighten out the hot cereal madness that is now running rampant everywhere – or at least in my kitchen in the mornings.
I mean, if you want oatmeal you have to boil the water, add the oatmeal and then cook it for five minutes. For Cream of Wheat, you boil the water, add the cereal and then cook it for two and a half minutes. For Oat Bran, you put the cereal in the cold water, bring it to a boil and then simmer it for a minute.
As for grits? Well, who has 20 minutes to wait for their food to cook in the morning? Since I am from Virginia and no self-respecting Southerner would be caught dead using – pshaw – instant grits, don’t even go there.
I would ramrod a bill through the Legislature making it a law that all hot cereals have to be cooked the same way so I, and my constituent in the mirror, don’t have to check the respective box every morning.
Since I realize that most of the time political mailers go directly from the mailbox to the trash, mine would come with pre-cut perforations making it easy to tear up into a zillion pieces and be printed on recycled paper – not glossy card stock – so they can be shredded super easy.
Political dirty tricks I would not be above if a candidate:
Fairfield Mayor Harry Price’s idea to create a Mayor’s Commission on Crime was good, but he forgot one important component – blue ribbons. A Blue Ribbon Mayor’s Commission on Crime will have more success than a ribbon-less one. While Price’s idea to combat Fairfield crime has been criticized, it is way better than my one solution – having the award-winning Grange Middle School GrizzlyBots robotics team make Robocop a reality.
I think debates would be much more entertaining if the candidates agreed on the following stipulations beforehand:
Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at firstname.lastname@example.org.