So we’re only a few days into 2013 and many of you have already broken your New Year’s resolutions. I’ve already broken three of mine. Then again, I only made three New Year’s resolutions.
Oh well, what can I say? Squirrel-on-a-stick is just so darn delicious!
Some of you might still be feeling a little hung over to really care about breaking resolutions. Yeah, it’s really easy to drink too much during a New Year’s Eve party, isn’t it? I thought I only had a few drinks on New Year’s, but somehow I woke up three days later on my neighbor’s roof wearing only a diaper, a plaid life-preserver and a golden tiara. Weird.
While some of you are professional drinkers, the rest are simply casual drunks and the year-end binge is especially tough. Some people get silly and happy the more they drink, while some people become angry and intolerable. Some people simply get a really obnoxious “inebriatitude.”
I’d like to say that drinking heavily requires a real leave of abstinence, but that would be a terrible pun, and by now you all know that one bad pun always leads to another, so why don’t we get this sober with.
Some of you started drinking a bit early on New Year’s and popped your corks before midnight, making your celebration a little Spumanti-climactic. Some of you drank way too much wine . . . and wine not? Que Syrah Syrah! And it doesn’t matter what kind of wine either, especially while it’s raining outside. Any Port in a storm, right? Wine and Champagne are the most popular; at least they seem to be the best cellars. Especially for hard cork drinkers who are always Riesling to the occasion. And let there Pinot doubt about it, even if you have a Blanc stare on your face and Rosé cheeks, you’re in it to wine it. Even the lowest of Merlot, who are living in a Bordeauxed-up shack in a Chianti town, love to get their drink on.
For me, I always think about my grandparents because Jan. 1 was their wedding anniversary. When my grandpa first met granny, she was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. Back then, making your own alcohol was a whiskey business. But he married her anyway, and put the quart before the horse to the pint of no return.
Some of you prefer the harder stuff. Not me. Not for one martini tiny minute. I just can’t handle the rough drinks, whether I’m in a rural area or subourbon. I have friends that say it’s not going tequila, and when they buy me some shots, vodka I say to that? It sends a Chivas down my spine.
Drinking too much of it leaves me totally Kahlua-less, I’m Bailey’s able to stand and I find that it’s difficult to Schnapps out of it. This is when it’s wise to have a designated driver because, all too often, alcohol becomes a crash diet and you just might wind up with a subpoena colada.
College students take a bad rap for partying too hard, but I think that most of them (especially the ones studying calculus) know that it’s not smart to drink and derive.
No, for me it’s all about beer. It’s good for what ale’s you! And it’s got less alcohol, which enables you to party lager than you normally would. One of my friends said he tried to stout the New Year’s with a non-alcoholic beer, but there was no proof. He spent the evening hunting drunken two-legged deer (also known as caribooze). They really love elkohol. They gazelle it down. Especially Moosehead.
Anyway, I hope you’re all safe and sound and I’m really sorry about all the horrible puns. I’m just happy hour time here wasn’t wasted. And remember, I’ll always beer right here for you!
You can (hic) contact C.W. Plunkett at firstname.lastname@example.org.