Look, I don’t want to write this column. But it is a California State Law that if you write a column on or near New Year’s Day, it must be about resolutions.
So, in 2014, I hereby resolve to:
1. Try harder at not awkwardly squeezing announcements I want to make into columns, like how I am hoping my Armijo High Class of 1982 (“Here’s my beer, one for you, we’re the Class of ’82!”) classmates will join me in celebrating our 50th birthday this year at the Armijo Alumni Association’s annual Pasta Dinner and Dance at the Cordelia Fire Hall on March 15 (www.armijoalumni.com).
2. Accept that my brother Kelvin is the Christmas Gag Gift Master. Sure, I scored a couple of points with my magazine theme this year – my brother Orvis got a 1973 issue of Women’s Household (with great quilting ideas) and Kelvin got a 1978 Super Mag featuring Andy Gibb on the cover, as well as a bonus centerfold. But Kelvin gave Orvis a clear plastic box with AA batteries in it that said “Batteries included – gift sold separately.” The man is a genius.
3. Add still more cowbell to my thrash metal/smooth jazz band “Shrieking Pillow Talk.”
4. Use the word “schlep” more frequently.
5. Make my dream of becoming a restaurateur a reality. My vision is to open a soul food restaurant, and after patrons have gorged themselves on succulent barbecue, collard greens and sweet potato pie, they go to an adjoining room and digest their meal in relaxing hammocks while listening to tunes on headphones. My place will be called “Ham Hocks & Hammocks.”
6. Finally accept that installing an indoor horseshoe pit in our hallway was maybe not the best idea I ever had.
7. Get a tattoo. I have been against the idea of ink on me my whole life, but as a compromise, it will be on the bottom of my foot.
8. Go Snuffleupagus hunting. Again.
9. Start listening to all those people who insist I am a dead ringer for Denzel Washington. And by “all those people” I mean specifically that guy who lives in my mirror.
10. Refuse to conform to society’s norms and be my own person. For example, when I meet someone for the first time in 2014, instead of simply shaking hands, I will execute an elaborate greeting ritual that starts with a curtsy, is followed by a kiss on both cheeks (with flickering tongue action), escalates into a hug that lasts for 4½ minutes and is closed out with a Flip Wilson-esque booty bump coinciding with an exuberant shout of “Ole!”
11. Be more tolerant of others when driving. In other words, less bazooka.
12. Apologize when I do something on purpose, but pretend it was an accident. Like resolution No. 1 about my 50th birthday thing. I am sorry and, from this moment on, I will not clumsily stick things in this column like the Fairfield Suisun Scrabble Club meets from 6 to 8:30 p.m. at the Fairfield Civic Center Library on the first Tuesday of the month and the same time on the second Tuesday at the Suisun City Library.
13. Literally get medieval with maroons who interrupt my peaceful enjoyment of watching “Judge Judy” by ringing my doorbell and trying to sell me something I don’t want. I’ve added a moat with “Sharknado!” extras, archers with flaming arrows in the guard tower and a catapult with buckets of molten tar. Sure, a simple “no soliciting” sign would probably be more, you know, legal and all, but where’s the fun in that?
14. Be resigned to the fact that Member’s Only jackets are not going to come back into style.
15. Punctuate my year-long tribute to “Scooby-Doo,” which turns 45 in 2014, by sprinkling “Zoinks!” and “Jinkies!” liberally into conversations, rocking an orange ascot as often as possible and constantly nibbling on Scooby Snacks.
20. I make in 2014 end with 20 items.
Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at email@example.com.