Sunday, March 1, 2015
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

My romance quick-start guide for guys

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | July 29, 2013 |

Many columns are written around Valentine’s Day about romance, but if you want to keep the home fires burning, you’d better be romantic more than one day a year. I thus now present my romance quick-start guide for guys.

Conversation: Pickup lines, even the best ones like, “Are you a parking ticket? ’Cause you’ve got fine written all over you” or “I’ll bet you $20 you’re gonna turn me down” or even “Inheriting 80 million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart” are counterproductive.

That’s because this guide is about relationships, not one-night stands. The secret to conversation is that all you have to do is start it and give it lil’ boosts once in a while. Most women talk way more than guys do, so let them. Throw in a few well-placed head nods, make eye contact and you are halfway home.

Chick flicks: To show your woman you have a tender side, you’ll have to endure a chick flick from time to time. Anything with Meg Ryan in it will do (except “Courage Under Fire”).

The trick to enduring chick flicks is simple: massive doses of caffeine. I’m talkin’ about a hidden caffeine patch feeding you continuous streams of the good stuff. The one thing you absolutely cannot do is perform the inadvertent head-bob-and-snore/snort maneuver right in the middle of a particularly weepy scene.

A bonus is to cry during the movie. Not blubbering tears, just the stoic one-tear-sliding-majestically-down-your-cheek thing will suffice. To achieve this, simply surreptitiously apply a drop of Visine or whip up real ones by thinking about the only movie guys can cry about, “Brian’s Song.”

Gifts: When I first joined Facebook in 2009, a friend gave me a gift. It wasn’t an actual gift, it was a digital picture of a gift. Cue the Hallelujah Chorus. I assumed it meant that us cheapskates have won.

Uh, no. Birthdays and anniversaries had better be marked by you giving her something that can’t disappear with a delete key. Jewelry is always good, but do not trust your own judgment. AC/DC logo earrings – even if they are diamond-encrusted – ain’t gonna cut it.

That severed horse’s head replica pillow from “The Godfather?” No. “The Complete Three Stooges Collection” on Blu-Ray? Are you crazy?

Lingerie is a gift for you, so don’t even go there. As a matter of fact, stay away from buying any clothes. Women’s clothing sizes are what U.S. Department of Defense cryptographers practice on, so do not attempt to figure them out. Get it wrong – too big or too small – and woe is you.

Fresh flowers still work, and while I agree with that thought that just popped in your head that buying artificial ones makes way more sense than ones that will die in a few days, you are just asking for trouble.

Greeting cards: This usually trips guys up because there is an overabundance to choose from. Cutesy funny ones are OK, but beer commercial funny ones are not. A good rule of thumb is to pick the one that you would most hate receiving yourself and she will love it.

Arguments: You and your spouse are going to argue and fight; no way around it. It is uncomfortable and unpleasant, but a fact. The important thing is to keep your eyes on the prize – namely that makeup sex is often extraordinary. So when arguing, put effort into making it seem believable and try to suppress your smile.

Music: So after the fight and you are both feeling amorous, nothing helps set the mood like some music. While I love many types of music including funk, pop, jazz and Cantina-ese (the style the aliens were playing in the “Star Wars” Mos Eisely bar), I am at heart a rocker. Still, I know from trial and mostly error not to try and set the mood with certain songs.

I mean, Bad Company’s “Feel Like Makin’ Love” and Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” are about the same thing, but playing the former will get you puzzled stares while the latter may result in a later tax exemption.

You’re welcome.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 6 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Mike KirchubelJuly 29, 2013 - 8:51 am

    The horse-head pillow is $300 on eBay. What woman wouldn't appreciate that? You must be talking about the cheapo, phony-baloney pillow cases with just a picture of a severed horse head on it.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • JudyJuly 29, 2013 - 2:05 pm

    Due to the global effect of Tony's Story that horse head pillow is up to $350.00 (I had to check Ebay & it is a real thing) Looove that movie, the pillow, not so much...... LOL & thanks for the chuckle :)

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Mike KirchubelJuly 29, 2013 - 2:24 pm

    Dang, I knew I shoulda got that. I think there's an untapped market out there for somebody with $0.50 worth of material, a little skill, and some time on their hands.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Weird HorseJuly 29, 2013 - 10:49 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFOq8-gNoQo

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Oh What the Heck!!!!......Oh.....Mr. Wade!July 29, 2013 - 9:14 pm

    Oh Tony!....Are you a Bowling Ball?...Cause Baby you can knock me down and "Pin" me anytime! (But Gently, Gently..OK?)...There, that should get you in trouble with Beth...and we know what that will lead to!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Allison KeeseyJuly 30, 2013 - 9:36 pm

    Tony, I love reading your articles. They never fail to bring a smile to my face. Most times you have me busting up, please keep em coming ! Good article!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Peace and patience: Quilters gear up for show

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: C1 | Gallery

 
School bands compete in Pageantry on Parade

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A1, 3 Comments | Gallery

 
Conservancy plans next Quail Ridge Reserve walk

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

 
Police seek suspect in armed robbery

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A3, 3 Comments

 
4-H Presentation Day brings fun, education to Fairfield

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
The agony of the codling moth, ecstasy of worm-free apples

By Christine Macgenn | From Page: C4

 
What you eat can affect your medications

By Marilyn Ranson | From Page: C4

 
Appointments on tap for Board of Supervisors meet

By Kevin W. Green | From Page: A5

Tri-City NAACP honors community members at gala event

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
CAASC 18th Annual Chinese New Year and Scholarship Celebration

By Steve Reczkowski | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
Rollover in Suisun City

By Aaron Rosenblatt | From Page: A5, 1 Comment | Gallery

State schedules ramp closure at freeway project site

By Kevin W. Green | From Page: A5

 
NY, SF town house prices through the roof

By Bud Stevenson | From Page: B7

 
Fairfield police log: Feb. 27, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A9

 
Suisun City police log: Feb. 27, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A9

Airmen with local ties finish basic training

By Nick DeCicco | From Page: B10

 
Force draws many from South, middle class

By Tom Philpott | From Page: B10

.

US / World

Christie to Calif. Republicans: No rush to pick 2016 nominee

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
US missionary abducted in Nigeria is courageous, friends say

By The Associated Press | From Page: C3

Dress that ‘greatly resembles’ stolen Nyong’o gown found

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Weekend storm drops snow, rain, hail in California

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Churches, synagogues, mosques bear tough New England winter

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Hyundai recalls 263,000 cars due to power-steering problem

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Blind dog rescued after being lost for 2 weeks in the cold

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Details about proposed national monuments in California

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
National monument supporters in California get antsy

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10, 1 Comment

Attacks kill 37 people in and north of Iraq’s capital

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
US drone strike in Yemen kills 3 suspected al-Qaida fighters

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

Greece will not seek another bailout, prime minister says

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
Nemtsov a possible ‘sacrificial victim,’ investigators say

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

.

Opinion

Editorial Cartoon: March 1, 2015

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sound off for March 1, 2015

By Daily Republic | From Page: A8

 
New school funding plan remains on bumpy path

By Dan Walters | From Page: A8

Even Gruber deserves a break sometimes

By Megan Mcardle | From Page: A8, 2 Comments

 
I might just vote for a Democrat next time around

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 10 Comments

Aging Fairfield housing agency faltering

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8

 
.

Living

Today in History: March 1, 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: March 1, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

With numbers falling, Houston-area nuns’ future uncertain

By The Associated Press | From Page: C3

 
Kidney Walk participation helped give me a positive outlook on life

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: C4

Horoscopes: March 1, 2015

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: C4

 
.

Entertainment

Take a look – Dr. Seuss has a new book

By The Associated Press | From Page: C2

 
Publisher launches line of Warhol e-books

By The Associated Press | From Page: C2

Q&A: Opera star Deborah Voigt writes of turbulent life

By The Associated Press | From Page: C2Comments are off for this post

 
PUBLISHERS WEEKLY BEST-SELLERS

By The Associated Press | From Page: C2

Review: ‘The Girl on the Train’ has realistic plot

By The Associated Press | From Page: C2Comments are off for this post

 
TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

.

Sports

Local Report: Vaca’s Aquino wins Masters wrestling title

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B1

 
Phegley hopes his style will catch on in Oakland

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

A year after meeting Tiger, Indian golfer on the rise

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Jeff Gordon takes a final spin at track that meant so much

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Vikings girls looking for first section title

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Safarova beats Azarenka to win the Qatar Open

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Environmental activists disrupt meeting by Olympic officials

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Hamilton hones Mercedes with fastest time at F1 testing

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Thunder’s Russell Westbrook has surgery on cheekbone

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Anthony Mason, rugged forward of 1990s Knicks, dies at 48

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Warriors center Festus Ezeli suspended for a game

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Reichelt leads Austrian World Cup downhill sweep

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Players’ union head: future spring games in Cuba possible

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Harrington takes 36-hole lead, then more rain in Florida

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Defending champ Federer beats Djokovic to retain Dubai title

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Harvick wins Xfinity race at Atlanta for 3rd year in a row

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Stolen No. 44 NASCAR race car found in suburban Atlanta

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
.

Business

For many in US, cash saved at gas pump is staying in pockets

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
Fruits and vegetables get a star-studded marketing push

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

Historic snows causing headaches for real estate industry

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
Nevada casinos keep $953.7 million in winnings in January

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

Review: Freedom! These smartwatches leave the phone behind

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

 
Greek prime minister rules out third bailout

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

Boy, 13, builds Braille printer with Legos, starts company

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9Comments are off for this post

 
Recalls this week: hand trucks, ceiling fans

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

AP Exclusive: Fuel-hauling trains could derail at 10 a year

By The Associated Press | From Page: B12 | Gallery

 
.

Obituaries

Thomas Browning

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4, 1 Comment

 
Leah E. Hoffman

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

John W. Van Wart

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Virgil Albert Hanson

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

.

Comics