Thursday, July 24, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

My recent unfiltered thought balloons

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | July 07, 2014 |

I have a self-imposed rule I try to follow when dealing with others. It is to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. That rule does not apply to my thought balloons, however.

I often can’t help what bubbles up there, but fortunately my brain-to-mouth filtration system has been through numerous upgrades.

Here, then, are some of my recent unfiltered thought balloons:

To the server at a local eatery: “The only thing I hate worse than having a server never fill my coffee cup is one who walks by, doesn’t ask if I want more and just pours it in. Once I have achieved the perfect balance of two Splendas and two of the little containers of half-and-half, I want to drain my cup, then start again with the proper ratios. But you’ve thrown off my delicate balance by thoughtlessly schlooshing coffee in when I was only two-thirds done. I can’t do that kind of math in my head! Just for that, your tip will be a brown button, a blue poker chip and a one year Narcotics Anonymous sobriety medallion I found ironically on the ground in front of CVS pharmacy.”

To Hungarian Inventor Ernő Rubik: “Thanks for the Rubik’s cube, that was a cool puzzle you invented. But why the powers that be chose you to design the parking lot of the Fairfield Post Office and that goofy, unnecessary loop the loop to get from Fairfield to Suisun City, I will never know.”

To my neighbor, Carmine: “I am pretending to talk with my brother Kelvin on the phone as I retrieve my mail so you cannot trap me for a half-hour and tell me that same story about when you almost met Elvis in 1972. It was mildly interesting the first 13 times I heard it. Oh, and there is no danger of my phone ringing and blowing my cover as that is a rookie move. Since I have done this so many times to both protect my sanity and not lose precious irretrievable life minutes, I am now a phony phone call professional.”

To the kid sauntering across the street near Walmart: “Pull your pants up, punk.”

To the lady eyeing me in the produce section : “Yes, lady, I’m pretending to know which method – squeezing or thumping – is best in determining the ripeness of respective fruits and vegetables. Actually, I have no idea, but I am a domesticated male who was once a stay-at-home dad and would hate to be mistaken for some clueless guy who is lost in a supermarket and asks stupid questions such as, ‘Um, excuse me. Where can I find the toast?’ I am even thinking of copyrighting my Harlem Globetrotter Ripeness Test that consists of spinning a cantaloupe on my finger, sliding it down the length of both arms and hurling it into my cart with a behind the back pass. The sound of the thud reveals its freshness.”

To the young mother at Edwards Theater: “Enjoying the previews of coming attractions plus the plot, character development and dialogue of the feature presentation are not why I paid to come here and took out a second mortgage on my house to afford snacks at the concession stand. No, I came to listen to your baby cry.”

To the young kid staring at me at Best Buy: “Hey! Haven’t you ever seen a middle-aged black man wearing an Aerosmith T-shirt before?”

To the guy talking to his girlfriend on his cellphone: “Wow. You are quite the conversationalist. I mean, it is a rare person indeed who can go right from talking about his uncle Cedric’s colonoscopy results to a crude, detailed description of sexual things you plan to do with your partner when you get home while using only the segue word ‘so.’ I am doubly impressed with the resonant timbre of your voice, which calls to mind those Orson Welles commercials where he would say, ‘We will sell no wine before it’s time.’ You approximate that subwoofer tone while using your outside voice. Unfortunately, we are inside. In fact, we are inside the library. Moron!”

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 2 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

 
Artists with trowels transform highway wall

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1, 4 Comments | Gallery

 
 
County court employees rally against cuts, furloughs

By Jess Sullivan | From Page: A3, 8 Comments | Gallery

 
Crews to begin Vacaville slurry seal street project

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A3

2nd candidate eyes Vacaville mayoral run

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A3, 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Bertani schedules town hall meet

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3, 5 Comments

 
 
Vacaville police arrest fugitive Dezmon Frazier

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A4, 6 Comments

Sesame Street USO tour visits Travis

By Staff Sgt. Christopher Carranza | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
Fairfield police log: July 22, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

Fairfield police log: July 21, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
Weather for July 24, 2014

By Daily Republic | From Page: B10

Fairfield police log: July 20, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
Suisun City police log: July 22, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

Suisun City police log: July 21, 2013

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
Suisun City police log: July 20, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

.

US / World

Lawsuit tests racial policy at California prisons

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 4 Comments

 
Casualty numbers raise questions about Gaza war

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

40 bodies from jet solemnly returned to Dutch soil

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Honduran families deported back to a bleak future

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10, 2 Comments

Lockdown lifted at Little Rock Air Force Base

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
US pushes for truce as Gaza battle rages

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

.

Opinion

 
Watch out for Bobby Jindal

By Jay Ambrose | From Page: A7

 
Rick Perry’s contradiction

By Ruben Navarrette | From Page: A7, 1 Comment

Editorial Cartoons for July 24, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

 
Good men lost due to Bergdahl

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A7, 1 Comment

Is Logue tripping over words?

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A7

 
.

Living

Community Calendar: July 24, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

 
Today in History for July 24, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

I resent my husband for not defending me to his mother

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

 
Horoscopes for July 24, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

CBS event marks civil rights anniversary

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
4-day Comic Con festival kicks off in San Diego

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Filmmaker Michael Moore’s divorce is finalized

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 3 Comments

 
CBS says Colbert keeping CBS’ ‘Late Show’ in NYC

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

.

Sports

Raiders start to arrive for start of camp

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1, 1 Comment

 
Tight end Vernon Davis arrives at 49ers training camp

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Pence drives in 3, Giants beat Phillies 3-1

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Cespedes hits 2 HRs, A’s hold off Astros 9-7

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Big innings fuels 16-1 Expos victory in Area 1 opener

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
4 Cities to meet with USOC about 2024

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Testimony ends in trial over $2B Clippers sale

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Playful Pole wins Tour stage, as Nibali marches on

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Mavericks’ Felton pleads guilty in NYC gun case

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Chiefs, running back Jamaal Charles reach deal

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Seattle’s Sidney Rice announces his retirement

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Broncos owner giving up control due to Alzheimer’s

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

.

Business

Stopping deadly oil train fires: New rules planned

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
US economy, though sluggish, may now be sturdier

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

GM issues 6 more safety recalls

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
.

Obituaries

Joseph Ross Smith Jr.

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
.

Comics

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A5

 
Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9