Saturday, October 25, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

My inventions will wow you, make me rich

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | October 01, 2012 |

It has been said that necessity is the mother of invention (a quote traced back to the ancient philosopher Frank Zappa), but invention’s grandmother is “I need some money.”

I remember reading about Thomas Edison and other great inventors and thinking how cool it would be to come up with something that would improve people’s quality of life and make me a kazillionare.

At my recent 30th high school reunion, I reconnected with Craig Fugglehorn, a rather strange buddy of mine who is super tech-savvy. His brilliance coupled with my vision will soon make us both rich.

Craig came up with an electronic device that when placed upon the skull cap of an animal can make it then be controlled with a remote. Now this may seem cruel, because . . . well . . . it is. We’ll worry about PETA backlash later.

My idea was to test his device on animals that would represent live action counterparts to classic animated Disney beasts. The remote would make them perform scenes from movies for use in a future Disney “Animation to Real Life” theme park. If it worked, we could sell it for a handsome or at least extremely cute profit.

I had originally suggested a flying elephant, but evidently those don’t exist (yet). We then settled on our second choice, creatures from “The Lion King.” As it happens, Craig collects exotic animals and owned a meerkat and lion cub. We had to capture a couple of wild warthogs, which we did at Allan Witt Park.

At the first test, we released “Timon” the meerkat and the device worked perfectly. Next we brought out “Poomba” the warthog and he started out well, but his center of gravity was quite different from Timon’s and he tripped, fell and crushed the meerkat. The catastrophe was compounded when I hit the button marked “kill” on Simba’s remote thinking it shut down the whole operation, but . . . well, let’s just say all was not Hakuna Matata.

We tried it again, but the squirrel we had to use for Timon took off over a fence. Then the second warthog turned out to be a female in heat which — who knew? — turned Simba into Pepe LePew (not a Disney character). While we abandoned the Disney project, we’re hoping to patent their offspring, the “lionhog.”

Then I realized that for the first time in my life I was overthinking something. Since everyone has a smartphone, we should simply make apps that no one has thought of, but everyone needs. I quickly made a list:

1. Samurai Sword: A real, telescoping Samurai sword crafted by Hattori Hanzo that would extend at the press of a button from the top of your phone. You never know when someone will ring your doorbell and have vengeance on their mind while really cool music plays behind them. Unfortunately, it didn’t work very well, except for as a backscratcher.

2. Juice Box: The straw worked fine but the phone inexplicably kept shorting out.

3. Hand Grenade: This worked perfectly, but we thought it’s one-time-use-only feature might potentially be considered a drawback.

We ex-nayed the apps, but I think that now Craig and I have struck gold.

Using parts from a Walkman, an old Razr phone, cotton balls and Karo syrup, Craig made a device that will revolutionize male and female communication.

The “What’d You Say? Communication Device” translates what women are saying so men can understand it and vice-versa. The device fits in both ears like wireless ear buds.

Say a woman comes home and rambles on for 20 straight minutes to her husband about what an awful day she had, going into minute detail and using comma after comma without taking a breath.

Our invention (I provided the Karo syrup) translates the blathering into what she is actually saying: “I need cuddling.”

Conversely, a man’s monosyllabic guttural grunt is translated into a loving, caring, emotionally connected statement that is several paragraphs long and filled with “I love yous” and other exquisite niceties.

However, if an impatient man scrunches up his face in frustration while his wife is blathering, he may need our Samurai sword/backscratcher.

Either way, we win!

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | No comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

 
 
Fall Harvest Festival brings children back to school

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
Optimist Club brings youth together for Halloween golf

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3

 
Cut-a-thon to help fight cancer, abuse

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

School board candidates forum set next week

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A4

 
 
Staying active may prolong your life

By Scott Anderson | From Page: B8

 
Suisun City police log: Oct. 23, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A9

.

US / World

Suspect arrested in death of 2 California deputies

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 3 Comments

 
KC-10 from Travis lands in Houston, smoke in cockpit

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

Reagan astrologer, Joan Quigley, dies at 87

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4, 2 Comments

 
Jury says castrated sex offender should be freed

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

School gunman was Homecoming prince, students say

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 2 Comments

 
Lava creeps toward road on Hawaii’s Big Island

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Remains belong to missing Virginia student

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Dallas nurse receives thanks, hug from Obama

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 14 Comments

NY, NJ order Ebola quarantine for doctors, others

By The Associated Press | From Page: A9

 
Gunman in Canada attack complained about mosque

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Egypt declares emergency in northern Sinai

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Militant group said to be using chlorine bombs

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10, 1 Comment

Putin accuses US of undermining global stability

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
.

Opinion

Return Garamendi to Congress

By Daily Republic | From Page: A8, 16 Comments

 
Editorial Cartoons: Oct. 25, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

SEIU shouldn’t own Board of Supervisors

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 7 Comments

 
Vote, and make a difference

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 2 Comments

Yes on Measure A

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 2 Comments

 
Spering best choice for county supervisor

By Daily Republic | From Page: A8, 7 Comments

.

Living

Today in History: Oct. 25, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: Oct. 25, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Horoscopes: Oct. 25, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A7

 
My mother-in-law wants me to convert to Catholicism, but I don’t want to

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A7

Hello Kitty turning 40, and the birthday bash will be ‘supercute’

By Mcclatchy-Tribune News Service | From Page: B8

 
.

Entertainment

TLC cancels its ‘Honey Boo Boo’ series

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

 
P.D. James’ riff on Jane Austen comes to TV

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B9

 
.

Sports

Vintage rolls past Armijo, 55-8

By Mike Corpos | From Page: B1

 
Mustangs fall flat in rout by Wildcats

By Marcus Lomtong | From Page: B1, 3 Comments

Royals beat Giants 3-2 for 2-1 World Series lead

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Vargas to take on Vogelsong in Game 4 of Series

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Falcons hang with Wolves in 34-8 setback

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B1, 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Hamilton helps Vanden sink Vallejo, 35-0

By Nick DeCicco | From Page: B1

Unfazed, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh doing it his way

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Lloyd leads US women past Mexico 3-0

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Raiders’ Woodley, Young expected to be placed on IR

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Henley’s putting gets him lead at Sea Island

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Judge halts New Jersey’s sports betting plan

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Joe Maddon exercises opt-out, won’t return to Rays

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Jamie McMurray bests Chase drivers to win pole

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
Attorney: NFL, Ravens not helping union in Rice probe

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

SCC women’s soccer team falls to Mendocino 3-1

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B2

 
This date in sports history for Saturday, Oct. 25, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
.

Business

US official: Auto safety agency under review

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Ford profit falls in third quarter on truck costs

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Procter & Gamble taking out its batteries

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
UPS expects double-digit surge in Dec shipments

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

US new-home sales close to flat in September

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
.

Obituaries

Mark Dean Lindsay

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4, 1 Comment

 
.

Comics

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

 
Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

 
Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

 
.

Home Seller 10/25/14

Real estate transactions for Oct. 25, 2014

By Daily Republic | From Page: HSR2