Tuesday, March 3, 2015
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

My inventions will wow you, make me rich

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | October 01, 2012 |

It has been said that necessity is the mother of invention (a quote traced back to the ancient philosopher Frank Zappa), but invention’s grandmother is “I need some money.”

I remember reading about Thomas Edison and other great inventors and thinking how cool it would be to come up with something that would improve people’s quality of life and make me a kazillionare.

At my recent 30th high school reunion, I reconnected with Craig Fugglehorn, a rather strange buddy of mine who is super tech-savvy. His brilliance coupled with my vision will soon make us both rich.

Craig came up with an electronic device that when placed upon the skull cap of an animal can make it then be controlled with a remote. Now this may seem cruel, because . . . well . . . it is. We’ll worry about PETA backlash later.

My idea was to test his device on animals that would represent live action counterparts to classic animated Disney beasts. The remote would make them perform scenes from movies for use in a future Disney “Animation to Real Life” theme park. If it worked, we could sell it for a handsome or at least extremely cute profit.

I had originally suggested a flying elephant, but evidently those don’t exist (yet). We then settled on our second choice, creatures from “The Lion King.” As it happens, Craig collects exotic animals and owned a meerkat and lion cub. We had to capture a couple of wild warthogs, which we did at Allan Witt Park.

At the first test, we released “Timon” the meerkat and the device worked perfectly. Next we brought out “Poomba” the warthog and he started out well, but his center of gravity was quite different from Timon’s and he tripped, fell and crushed the meerkat. The catastrophe was compounded when I hit the button marked “kill” on Simba’s remote thinking it shut down the whole operation, but . . . well, let’s just say all was not Hakuna Matata.

We tried it again, but the squirrel we had to use for Timon took off over a fence. Then the second warthog turned out to be a female in heat which — who knew? — turned Simba into Pepe LePew (not a Disney character). While we abandoned the Disney project, we’re hoping to patent their offspring, the “lionhog.”

Then I realized that for the first time in my life I was overthinking something. Since everyone has a smartphone, we should simply make apps that no one has thought of, but everyone needs. I quickly made a list:

1. Samurai Sword: A real, telescoping Samurai sword crafted by Hattori Hanzo that would extend at the press of a button from the top of your phone. You never know when someone will ring your doorbell and have vengeance on their mind while really cool music plays behind them. Unfortunately, it didn’t work very well, except for as a backscratcher.

2. Juice Box: The straw worked fine but the phone inexplicably kept shorting out.

3. Hand Grenade: This worked perfectly, but we thought it’s one-time-use-only feature might potentially be considered a drawback.

We ex-nayed the apps, but I think that now Craig and I have struck gold.

Using parts from a Walkman, an old Razr phone, cotton balls and Karo syrup, Craig made a device that will revolutionize male and female communication.

The “What’d You Say? Communication Device” translates what women are saying so men can understand it and vice-versa. The device fits in both ears like wireless ear buds.

Say a woman comes home and rambles on for 20 straight minutes to her husband about what an awful day she had, going into minute detail and using comma after comma without taking a breath.

Our invention (I provided the Karo syrup) translates the blathering into what she is actually saying: “I need cuddling.”

Conversely, a man’s monosyllabic guttural grunt is translated into a loving, caring, emotionally connected statement that is several paragraphs long and filled with “I love yous” and other exquisite niceties.

However, if an impatient man scrunches up his face in frustration while his wife is blathering, he may need our Samurai sword/backscratcher.

Either way, we win!

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | No comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

US / World

 
Netanyahu assails Iran deal, touts US-Israel ties

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
‘Naty’ Revuelta, who had daughter with Fidel Castro, dies

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
UN warns against complacency as Ebola fight enters new phase

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Iraq launches operation to retake Tikrit from Islamic State

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Woman with slain Putin critic says she didn’t see his killer

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Storms bring up nearly 3 feet of snow to Lake Tahoe

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
4 people killed, 4 others injured in California car crash

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Federal study: Foster kids struggle to get health screenings

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Mom convicted of killing son, 5, by poisoning him with salt

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Well-liked photo teacher found dead in California classroom

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Budget standoff leaves California college hopefuls in limbo

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Police chief: Man killed on Skid Row reached for gun

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2, 2 Comments | Gallery

Military judge orders overseer of Gitmo cases replaced

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Snowy Boston starts removing parking-space savers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
.

Opinion

Israelis worry about inequality, not Iran

By Daniel Gordis | From Page: A11, 1 Comment

 
Editorial cartoon: March 3-4, 2015

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

Minority outreach that works

By Jennifer Rubin | From Page: A11, 1 Comment

 
.

Living

.

Entertainment

Sara Gilbert welcomes baby boy with wife Linda Perry

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Judge: CeeLo Green in compliance with probation in drug case

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Clive Owen to make Broadway debut in Pinter’s ‘Old Times’

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Television’s ‘Judge Judy’ staying in session

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

Pop channel bringing Daytime Emmys ceremony back to TV

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Julianne and Derek Hough to hit the road again this summer

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3 | Gallery

Ming-Na Wen: ‘S.H.I.E.L.D.’ role makes me a cool mom

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
TVGrid March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

.

Sports

NASCAR falls flat in follow-up to Daytona 500

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Mayweather and Pacquiao to meet only once before fight week

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Michael Schumacher’s son to drive in Formula 4

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
UConn still No. 1 in women’s basketball poll

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Kurt Busch to follow guidelines toward NASCAR reinstatement

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Harrington wins the Honda Classic in a playoff

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Curt Schilling fires back after offensive Twitter posts

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Wild week leads to changes across AP Top 25 poll

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
New Browns QB McCown barely knows Manziel

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Jordan, other NBA owners join Forbes’ billionaire list

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
NFL salary cap increases $10 million to top $143 million

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

A’s switch-pitcher hopes to find spot with Oakland

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Sharks trade Desjardins to Blackhawks for Smith

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

.

Business

Buffett declines to clarify plan to eventually replace him

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
US consumer spending, adjusted for inflation, rose in Jan.

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Ikea launches furniture with inbuilt wireless chargers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Minimum wage in 1 Oakland jumps

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
PayPal to acquire mobile wallet provider Paydient

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

Costco strikes credit card deal with Citi, Visa

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4, 2 Comments

 
Bill Gates repeats at top of Forbes’ list of billionaires

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4 | Gallery

HP’s big deal: Tech giant buys Aruba Networks for $2.7B

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Dot-com deja vu: Nasdaq tops 5,000, approaching record high

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
.

Obituaries

.

Comics

Wizard of Id March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Peanuts March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Baby Blues March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Baldo March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Garfield March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Get Fuzzy March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Cryptoquote March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Frank and Ernest March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Word Sleuth March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Bridge March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

Dilbert March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Beetle Bailey March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Blondie March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
For Better or Worse March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Pickles March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
B.C. March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Crossword March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Rose is Rose March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Sudoku March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Zits March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Sally Forth March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4