Monday, October 20, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

My genie taught me: Be careful what you wish for

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | February 25, 2013 |

When I first encountered my genie earlier this month, I was stunned. Everyone knows that when you find a magic lamp and rub it, the genie inside is supposed to appear in a spectacular explosion of smoke, introduce themselves, and then get on with the granting wishes thing.

This clown kinda oozed out of the lamp and when he hit the ground with a thud, looked irritated that I had awakened him.

Instead of reciting his wishes spiel from memory and with even a hint of vivacity, he instead pulled a folded-up card from his turban and read the familiar deal slowly. His sonorous tone sounded just like the teacher calling  for “Bueller . . . Bueller . . . Bueller” in that John Hughes movie.

While his first impression was awful, I was still excited at being able to have wishes granted. As he didn’t appear to be that swift, I decided to try the old trick of using the first of my three wishes as a request for a thousand more wishes, thinking he’d ex-nay it.

To my surprise, he replied, “Your wish is my command,” nodded and little fairy dust stuff appeared. I was sure he would be getting tossed out of the Genie Union for that, but it was not my problem.

First, I wished for a million dollars. “Your wish is my command,” my genie said, and a million dollars appeared. Unfortunately it was Monopoly money. I said I wanted real American money and he poofed up some replica Confederate script. Starting to get annoyed, I explained that I needed current U.S. currency and soon I was neck-deep in a pool of a hundred million shiny new pennies.

He finally got it right ($100 bills stacked on pallets) and while I was concerned it took so many wishes, I still had 995 left, plus the other two originals.

I then wished to look like a rock star. Poof! A haggard-looking Keith Richards blinked back at me in the mirror. I told him that I meant more like Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendrix and Poof! I was a skeleton. I finally had to settle on a loose approximation of Lenny Kravitz.

Then I asked for 700 wives like King Solomon had. They appeared, but all 700 started telling me to take out the trash, wanted to have a discussion about feelings and wondered why we couldn’t watch figure skating instead of football. I used another wish to make them go away.

My genie screwed up a lot.

My wish for a screaming-hot Lamborghini turned out as steaming-hot lamb linguini.

I wished to see the pyramids and suddenly I was in a Holiday Inn conference room with daily “Maury” show watchers listening to a guy explain how if I signed up five more people to be sales associates of the Supersonic Nosehair Clipper System© I’d become a kazillionaire.

I wished that I could have the great voice of Morgan Freeman narrate my life as it was happening. Instead I got the grating voice of Gilbert Gottfried.

I wished that every copy of Huey Lewis and the News’ “Sports” album would magically add Fairfield to the list of cities where dit dit dit they say the heart of rock and roll is still beating, but not only did the genie instead add (gasp) Vallejo, in the liner notes Suisun City sax man Johnny Colla’s name was misspelled like the soft drink.

I was incredulous when I realized that, because of the genie’s repeated goofs, I was down to one wish left. I had everything I wanted but was not fulfilled.

Then “Groundhog Day,” the movie where Bill Murray’s character experienced the same day repeatedly and it only stopped when he took the focus off his own selfish desires, came to mind.

Contemplating this, I almost wished for world peace, but the thought of Jerusalem, Bangkok and Sydney covered in peas popped in my head and I decided on something more local.

I wished for a deeper connection between my Raider-lovin’ self and my friends who are 49ers fans.

Poof! the Niners lost the Super Bowl, their fans claimed they wuz robbed by the refs and their team is now moving. I hugged my genie.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 2 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • I always wanted to be sexy, but I am notFebruary 25, 2013 - 2:01 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm4jJQFXWp4

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • RichFebruary 25, 2013 - 6:59 pm

    Keef is not haggard---he's ''weathered''. He looks like an insane advertisement for a carefree dangerous death---white ragged hair, green dead skin, blue lips, rotting fangs, cigarette dangling from his lips---the world's only blue gummed white man. As dangerous and as poisonous as a rattle snake. Yeehaw!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Girl Scouts explore sweet side of chemistry

By Jess Sullivan | From Page: A1, 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Time again for my Cheers and Jeers

By Tony Wade | From Page: A2, 8 Comments

Senior Center hosts monthly travel presentation

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3

 
Total Home, Garden & Harvest Festival wraps up

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3, 1 Comment | Gallery

Pumpkin Patch Festival set for final weekend

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3

 
Sessions teach about child support process

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3

 
Arrivederci! Italian Festival

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3 | Gallery

Red Kettle Program returns for holidays

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3, 1 Comment

 
Holiday Fashion Extravaganza registration deadline looms

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3

Elder depression and substance abuse topic of discussion

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3

 
Vacaville library to host composting series

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A3

Napa man jailed for running over ex-girlfriend

By Staff and wire reports | From Page: A4, 2 Comments

 
Local governments schedule meetings

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: A4, 1 Comment

Weather for Monday, Oct. 20, 2014

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B12

 
.

US / World

Obama switches gears, confronting Ebola head on

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 3 Comments

 
CDC to revise Ebola protocol, Pentagon preps team

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Expelled Nazis paid millions in Social Security

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Cruise ship docks with Ebola-watched health worker

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Friends, family of Ebola patient reach milestone

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
California lottery sales top $5B for first time

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Archaeologists seek movie set in California sands

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
The 10 semifinalists for World’s Funniest Person

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 2 Comments

On the road to find the world’s funniest person

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Coroner: 6 fire victims died of smoke inhalation

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

New England raking in millions from leaf peepers

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Police hunt for clues near where Va. remains found

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Super drunk woman arrested, mistook jail for bar

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 1 Comment

 
Robotic device helps paralyzed groom walk aisle

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 1 Comment

Pope beatifies Paul VI at remarkable synod’s end

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7, 1 Comment

 
S. Korea: 2 Koreas exchange gunfire along border

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

Sweden: 3 credible sightings in submarine search

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

 
5 Things to Know about Pope Paul VI

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

UN says Iraq has executed 60 people this year

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

 
Marine accused in Philippine killing tests US ties

By The Associated Press | From Page: A9

.

Opinion

Pulse poll question

By Daily Republic | From Page: A8, 1 Comment

 
Is it truly affordable health care?

By Jim Mccully | From Page: A8, 22 Comments

 
Suisun mayor offers his endorsements

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 13 Comments

Which candidates support Alzheimer’s cure?

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8

 
Beware a Trojan horse

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A8, 4 Comments

.

Living

Community Calendar: Oct. 20, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

 
Today in History: Oct. 20, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

I’m too scared to leave my abusive husband of 15 years

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: B5

 
Horoscopes: Oct. 20, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: B5

 
Horoscopes: Oct. 21, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: B7

.

Entertainment

TVGrid Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A10

 
TVGrid Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

Comedians honor Jay Leno with humor prize in DC

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
Report: Nashville songwriter Paul Craft dies at 76

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

Reported ‘Easy Rider’ chopper sells at auction

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
‘New Girl,’ ‘Cosmos’ win Environmental Media Award

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

 
‘Fury’ blasts ‘Gone Girl’ from top of box office

By The Associated Press | From Page: A11

.

Sports

Manning breaks Favre’s TD mark in 42-17 win over 49ers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Tim Lincecum waits his turn, still yet to pitch

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Keselowski keeps title hopes alive at Talladega

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Palmer leads Cardinals past Raiders 24-13

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Serena Williams hits back at Russian official

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Kings pick up G Ben McLemore’s option

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Rockets beat Warriors 90-83 in exhibition game

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Pacquiao makes professional basketball debut

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Cal receiver Trevor Davis released from hospital

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Sounders rally for 2-2 tie with LA Galaxy

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Rangers net 2 in 4 seconds; Lundqvist stops Sharks

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
NFL roundup: Jaguars bounce Browns, gets first win

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

SEC is 1st conference to put 4 in top 5 of AP poll

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Ski champ Svindal injured while playing soccer

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

This date in sports history for Monday, Oct. 20, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Royals dependent on 3-headed bullpen monster

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8 | Gallery

 
Ben Martin wins 1st PGA Tour title in Las Vegas

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

Denkinger’s miss revisited as Series returns to KC

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9 | Gallery

 
Hend wins Hong Kong Open in a playoff

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

Baek wins playoff to take LPGA South Korea

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

 
Ilonen beats Stenson in World Match Play final

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

Jay Haas wins Greater Hickory Kia Classic

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

 
.

Business

Facebook, Apple pay for egg freezing, sperm donors

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
.

Obituaries

.

Comics

Wizard of Id Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
For Better or Worse Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

B.C. Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Peanuts Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Baby Blues Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Rose is Rose Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Dilbert Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Frank and Ernest Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Get Fuzzy Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Pickles Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Garfield October 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Sally Forth Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Baldo Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Beetle Bailey Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Zits Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Blondie Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Bridge Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Cryptoquote Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

Crossword Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Word Sleuth Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

Sudoku Oct 20

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Zits Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Wizard of Id Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Peanuts Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Dilbert Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Beetle Bailey Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

B.C. Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Frank and Ernest Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Blondie Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Garfield Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Get Fuzzy Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Baldo Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Pickles Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Rose is Rose Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Baby Blues Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
For Better or Worse Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Sally Forth Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Bridge Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

Sudoku Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Crossword Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

Word Sleuth Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Cryptoquote Oct 21

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7