Thursday, April 2, 2015
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Monty Crest fights for sanity in the vanpool

By
From page A2 | March 31, 2014 |

Monty Crest’s commute to work only took about 45 minutes, but it always seemed so much longer. The vanpool he joined last November saved him the aggravation of navigating daily through gridlock, but it came with a price.

The other people he shared his daily ride to and from his job in the city as an architect were driving him insane. The more he tried to ignore their idiosyncrasies, the more they came into focus. He finally went beyond trying to ignore their annoying traits and one day amused himself by secretly giving each of his van-mates descriptive “Seinfeld”-esque nicknames (“Man Hands,” “Close Talker,” etc.).

First there was Buttinksy (Herb Ferkel). Monty was stunned one morning as he dug into a new novel and Herb just started talking to him as if he couldn’t see that he was trying to read. No “excuse me” or anything was offered. Monty wanted to say that he wasn’t just reading the book to kill time before someone came and talked to him, but he didn’t.

Next was Mock McFerrin (Charlie Murphy) who always had his headphones on and would sing along to the music. Only he didn’t actually sing, he mimicked the sounds of the particular instruments in whatever song he was listening to.

Now, when Bobby McFerrin did that, it was a musical treat. Charlie’s vocal orchestrations, however, were “musical” torture. What was worse was that he listened to a wide variety of music, so in addition to standard instruments like drums and guitars, he also did excruciating reproductions of rather exotic ones like the sitar, hammered dulcimer, alphorns and didgeridoo.

Cara Phipps was the Nose Picker/Secret Pooter. She would turn her head to the side facing the window and force her pointer finger up her schnozzle dang near to the knuckle and go to town. Monty wouldn’t have cared except she was also one of those people who touched you – a lot – when they talked to emphasize certain words. Yuck.

It took Monty awhile to figure out who the secret farter was, but by the process of elimination he discovered it was Cara who was surreptitiously floating noxious “silent but deadly” air biscuits. So she was doubly disgusting.

The Storyman (Kevin Micheals) was similar to Buttinsky Herb, except he was much worse. At least when Herb interrupted you, it was to talk about a compelling movie scene or tell a dirty joke or something interesting. Kevin was one of those people who told long story after long story that had numerous details, but no payoff.

It didn’t help that he also sounded exactly like Ben Stein going “Bueller . . . Bueller . . . Bueller.” One night Monty watched one of his favorite movies, “Planes, Trains and Automobiles,” on Netflix and one scene resonated in relation to Kevin.

It was when Neal Page (Steve Martin) was fed up with Dell Griffith (John Candy)’s incessant stories. Monty memorized the rant that Page delivered and dreamed of spewing a paraphrased version at Kevin.

“You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You’re a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They’re not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! And by the way, you know, when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea – have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!”

Dr. Freezeout Nicotine Shotgun (Marcus Hightower) was a chiropractor who daily demanded to ride shotgun and no one would have cared except that he always rolled the window down no matter how cold it was. That would have been bad enough, but he was also a heavy smoker. He could not smoke in the van, but the cigarette smell that was plastered onto his body blew off like the dust on the Peanuts character Pig Pen when he had the window down – which again he always did.

Coming up with the colorful nicknames made Monty’s commute halfway bearable that day. Unfortunately when they arrived home that evening, he was told they unanimously voted to boot him out of the vanpool because he was just too boring.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | No comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

 
College faculty shows solidarity as contract talks continue

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Pursuit of happiness may need makeover

By Mayrene Bates | From Page: A2

 
 
Energy saver workshop to take place in Suisun

By Ian Thompson | From Page: A3

Pickleball decision stalls in Vacaville

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
Authorities cite speed in rollover crash

By Kevin W. Green | From Page: A4

 
Il Fiorello schedules April cooking classes

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
Lynch Canyon site of 7th annual Kite Festival

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

Chabad of Solano County to host Passover Seders

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A4

 
Fairfield police log: March 31, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

Fairfield police log: March 30, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
Suisun City police log: March 31, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

Suisun City police Log: March 30, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
.

US / World

Snowpack dismal as governor orders cuts

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Wrongful death trial slated in teen suicide case

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Trespassing woman believed to have jumped fence

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Man’s death linked to too much iced tea

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Arkansas governor backs away from bill called ‘anti-gay’

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Districts seeking waiver from NCLB mandates

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

National park admission fees set for an increase

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Alps crash: Bodies recovered, but families must wait months

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Iraq hails victory over Islamic State extremists in Tikrit

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Double overtime: Faltering Iran nuclear talks extended again

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

.

Opinion

 
Aquino wants to make Philippines into Detroit

By William Pesek | From Page: A7

What’s driving you to distraction?

By Kelvin Wade | From Page: A7

 
Maybe need more for airplane security

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A7

Thank you for your help

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A7

 
Clinton: Our 1st woman president

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A7

Editorial Cartoon: April 2, 2015

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

 
.

Living

Today in History: April 2, 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: April 2, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Horoscopes: April 2, 2015

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

 
2nd-place wife needs to decide if she’s better off without husband

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

Mark Wahlberg to produce Boston Marathon bombing movie

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Cynthia Lennon, first wife of John Lennon, dies of cancer

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4 | Gallery

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Dish’s Internet TV, Sling, gets HBO service for $15 a month

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

.

Sports

Miami, Stanford meet in NIT final matchup of banged-up teams

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Bumgarner outpitches Kluber as Giants beat Indians 5-2

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Chavez allows 3 hits in 6 innings as A’s beat Angels 4-1

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Harden’s career-high 51 lead Rockets over Kings 115-111

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
IndyCar’s new aero kits leave debris trail in season opener

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Will Indiana law force 2016 women’s Final Four to relocate?

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
AP Source: Kings to sign 1st NBA player of Indian descent

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Mullin: Trying to turn around St John’s an ‘obligation’

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
California development for sports stadiums moves forward

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

St. Louis County pulls taxpayers from NFL stadium financing

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Letters from old Yankee Stadium fail to sell at NYC auction

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Serena Williams earns 700th win to reach Miami Open semis

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
US Senators want FIFA to move 2018 World Cup out of Russia

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

NIT, MSG agree to 3-year contract extension through 2018

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Jordan Spieth, Patrick Reid ready for Houston Open

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

.

Business

.

Obituaries

Charles Bell

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
William Dean

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4, 1 Comment

Acencion “Ghenido” Zepeda

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
Manuel D. Ramos Sr.

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

.

Comics

Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9