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Kittens? Cool. Cats? Furry Sith Lords
I wrote last week about my affection for dogs and I am flipping the script this week. I won’t go so far as to say I hate cats, but I am definitely not a cat person.
The only thing that saves me from complete feline abhorrence is that they start out as adorable kittens. They play with string, chase laser pointers and are the definition of frisky.
I had a kitten in the ‘80s I named Nut because of his craziness. He would repeatedly zoom around my recliner in a circle, suddenly stop and stare at me while stretching.
Once I woke out of a deep sleep and couldn’t figure out why, but Nut was sitting on the pillow next to me. I dozed again, was awakened once more and still didn’t know why. I then feigned sleep and discovered Nut was amusing himself by pawing at my lips and watching them jiggle.
Kittens are cool, but unfortunately they grow up and become furry Sith Lords.
A faithful dog like Lassie will run miles and communicate that Timmy has fallen down the well. A cat not only wouldn’t do that, he would have been the one who pushed Timmy down the well in the first place.
Now I know the arguments cat lovers use for their devotion, so let me address them.
1. When a cat purrs and rubs on your leg it means it loves you. No, that means they are marking you (literally dehumanizing you). It is similar to how a dog marks their territory with urine.
2. They are so clean. Cat lovers often say a cat is “taking a bath.” Uh, in my world, when you lick your hands (or paws) and then rub your own spit on your head, that is not a “Calgon, take me away!” moment. It’s just gross.
3. Cats are independent, not aloof. First off, they aren’t independent, if anything they are interdependent as all cats are secretly part of the evil Galactic Empire. But if they are so independent, let your cat feed itself. Or better yet, clean its own litter box.
4. Well . . . uh . . . cats are good mice catchers. I’ll concede this one, but it’s not a universal ability.
Once we had a mouse problem, so I set up an old-fashioned mouse trap underneath the kitchen sink. Soon one got his paw stuck in the trap, but wasn’t dead and was a-squeakin’ up a storm. It was horrible.
Our cat Pearl came to investigate and the mouse became silent, so I thought he’d expired. Then he suddenly let out a piercing squeak and Pearl shot straight up in the air like scared cats do. After my laughing/coughing fit, I was ashamed of my stupid cat for being a flop at the one thing cats are supposed to instinctively be good at. I let the mouse go over the back fence, by the way.
Pearl and I are sworn enemies and yet live in a state of détente for the sake of my wife and daughter. Still, shots are fired in anger from time to time like how she recently strategically coughed up a nasty hairball right in line where I walk – barefoot – in the morning to turn on the heat. But her ultimate act of evil happened during Christmastime of 2011.
I set up our faux Christmas tree and detected a foul odor. I was convinced the horrible smell was coming from the tree that we had owned for years. I tossed it into the trash and purchased a new one.
As I was setting up the new tree, I noticed the horrible stench was still there. I then took a peek in the corner behind my electronics console and discovered the source of the stench. Pearl had purposely defiled my man cave. Repeatedly.
I exploded and I know that she somehow filmed my reaction and uploaded it to the secret, password-protected cat YouTube channel they use to show off their evil machinations against mankind.
Pearl acts innocent, but one of these days I will catch her watching her videos, rubbing her paws together, doing that “Mwahahaha!” laugh and stroking, of course, a smaller cat.
Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.
Tony Wade
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StR Oh D Bliss of ry Wade Column!February 18, 2013 - 10:15 am
Oh Goody!.......POETRY CORNER................. Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat Drowned in a Tub of Goldfishes............... By Thomas Gray 1716–1771 .............. ’Twas on a lofty vase’s side,... Where China’s gayest art had dyed... The azure flowers that blow;... Demurest of the tabby kind,... The pensive Selima, reclined,... Gazed on the lake below................. Her conscious tail her joy declared;... The fair round face, the snowy beard,... The velvet of her paws,... Her coat, that with the tortoise vies,... Her ears of jet, and emerald eyes,... She saw; and purred applause............. Still had she gazed; but ’midst the tide... Two angel forms were seen to glide,... The genii of the stream;... Their scaly armour’s Tyrian hue... Through richest purple to the view... Betrayed a golden gleam.................. The hapless nymph with wonder saw;... A whisker first and then a claw,... With many an ardent wish,... She stretched in vain to reach the prize... What female heart can gold despise?... What cat’s averse to fish?................. Presumptuous maid! with looks intent... Again she stretch’d, again she bent,... Nor knew the gulf between.... (Malignant Fate sat by, and smiled)... The slippery verge her feet beguiled,... She tumbled headlong in.... Eight times emerging from the flood ... She mewed to every watery god,... Some speedy aid to send... No dolphin came, no Nereid stirred;... Nor cruel Tom, nor Susan heard;... A Favourite has no friend!............. From hence, ye beauties, undeceived,... Know, one false step is ne’er retrieved, And be with caution bold.... Not all that tempts your wandering eyes... And heedless hearts, is lawful prize;... Nor all that glisters, gold.
Reply |StR Oh D Bliss of reading a Tony Wade column!February 18, 2013 - 10:18 am
***********REDO....Oh Goody!.......POETRY CORNER................. Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat Drowned in a Tub of Goldfishes............... By Thomas Gray 1716–1771 .............. ’Twas on a lofty vase’s side,... Where China’s gayest art had dyed... The azure flowers that blow;... Demurest of the tabby kind,... The pensive Selima, reclined,... Gazed on the lake below................. Her conscious tail her joy declared;... The fair round face, the snowy beard,... The velvet of her paws,... Her coat, that with the tortoise vies,... Her ears of jet, and emerald eyes,... She saw; and purred applause............. Still had she gazed; but ’midst the tide... Two angel forms were seen to glide,... The genii of the stream;... Their scaly armour’s Tyrian hue... Through richest purple to the view... Betrayed a golden gleam.................. The hapless nymph with wonder saw;... A whisker first and then a claw,... With many an ardent wish,... She stretched in vain to reach the prize... What female heart can gold despise?... What cat’s averse to fish?................. Presumptuous maid! with looks intent... Again she stretch’d, again she bent,... Nor knew the gulf between.... (Malignant Fate sat by, and smiled)... The slippery verge her feet beguiled,... She tumbled headlong in.... Eight times emerging from the flood ... She mewed to every watery god,... Some speedy aid to send... No dolphin came, no Nereid stirred;... Nor cruel Tom, nor Susan heard;... A Favourite has no friend!............. From hence, ye beauties, undeceived,... Know, one false step is ne’er retrieved, And be with caution bold.... Not all that tempts your wandering eyes... And heedless hearts, is lawful prize;... Nor all that glisters, gold.
Reply |StRFebruary 18, 2013 - 6:13 pm
The most diabolical plan of the evil Cat Galactic Empire, is that the "cat" makes your neighbors hate you, causing much discontent for all involved (divide and conquer). How does sweet little Kitty do this, you ask? Carefully, methodically on a regular basis Kitty leaves "kitty treasures", in your neighbor's garden or landscaping. Particularly cruel is a treasure placed just off the driveway were the Newspaper delivery person tends to land the paper.
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