Friday, October 31, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Time once again for the Made-Up Mailbag

By
From page A2 | February 17, 2014 |

My Made-Up Mailbag is where I pretend to answer mail from readers when actually the whole column is made-up. Yes it’s silly, but I get a lot of made-up mail, so it is necessary sometimes to make room for more.

Dear Tony,

I about laughed my fool head off a number of years ago reading your column about your bird phobia and how you were attacked on Tolenas Road by three turkeys you called the “butterballs of death.” Are you afraid of anything else?

Sincerely,

Chuckling in Cordelia

Dear Cordelia Chuckler,

That column was misunderstood. It was supposed to be serious, but was taken as comedy, much like George W. Bush’s presidency. To answer your question, yes, I am also afraid of . . . DO NOT LAUGH! . . . opening biscuit containers. As a kid, my mom would ask me to do it by banging it on the corner of the counter and the explosive POP! made me shriek. They changed it to pressing a spoon on the seam, but that’s worse.

Dear Tony,

My girlfriend and I agree that our relationship has run its course, but neither of us wants to be the one to end it. Do you have a suggestion?

Vallejo Valentines

Dear Vallejo Valentines,

Yes. Do a final episode. In the 1970s, TV shows way past their prime would change into pale reflections of the shows they once were. Thus “Sanford and Son” became “Sanford Arms” and “All in the Family” became “Archie Bunker’s Place.” Then “M*A*S*H” pioneered the final-episode concept. Now that is the norm. I suggest you and your girlfriend plan a day together, make it great and then call it quits. Just make sure it is “Lost” final-episode quality and not “Seinfeld” final-episode quality, though.

Dear T. Wade,

DR News Editor Brad Stanhope sometimes has his dog Brandy Stanhope do a guest column called Dog Droppings in his stead. How come you’ve never let your cat, Pearl Nut Kitty Wade, do yours?

Cat Luvah

Dear Cat Luvah,

Well, I already have, indirectly. Unbeknownst to Brad, Brandy Stanhope is actually a sock puppet that my cat uses.

Dear Big Guy,

Do you know about the “secret menu” at In-N-Out burger?

Burger Man

Dear Burger Man,

Oh yeah, I’ve ordered “animal fries” and “protein style” burgers for years. What many people don’t know is that they also have a Top Secret Hush-Hush menu. My fave on that one is the “Harlem Globetrotter,” where five employees get into a circle and while the song “Sweet Georgia Brown” plays, they take turns spinning your burger and doing tricks until one flings it at you through the drive-thru window with a cool no-look pass.

Dear Toe Knee Weighed,

How do I tell an employee they are not doing so hot?

Timid Boss

Dear Timid Boss,

Use a “Compliment Sandwich.” Start with a compliment, give them the criticism and end with a compliment. For example:

Compliment: “Troy, your breath is nowhere near as bad as it used to be!”

Criticism: “Still, it does remind me of when I worked at a wastewater treatment plant.”

Compliment: “You inspired me to create an invention that surreptitiously shoots breath mints into people’s mouths with stankin’ breath! Thank you!”

Dear Tea Dub Bull Ewe,

How do you get ideas for columns?

Curious

Dear Curious,

I get the best ideas right before going to sleep, so I used to keep a notepad and pen on my nightstand. But I get a lot of ideas, so I hired a bedside stenographer. That’s why embarrassing pillow talk sometimes shows up in my columns.

Dear Kelvin’s brother,

I taught my cat to sing! I do the lead vocal in Rick James’ “Super Freak” and when I point to Mr. Jingles and say “Temptations, sing!” he sings that part! He says “Meow!” Amazing, huh?

Cat Luvah II

Dear C.L. II,

The good news is that yes, that’s amazing. The bad news is that you are actually Mr. Jingles’ sock puppet.

Dear Tony,

I followed your advice about ending my relationship with my girlfriend with a “final episode.” Only now she’s pregnant. What do I do?

Vallejo Valentines

Dear Vallejo Valentines,

Name the baby “Spin-off.”

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | No comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

Dad finds passion creating set pieces for son’s shows

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
Real estate agent pens, produces movie

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
Neighborhood candy hunts of the past

By Tony Wade | From Page: A2

 
Candy from sky highlights North Texas Street event

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
Vintage Fair on tap at McBride Senior Center

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3

 
Fairfield police log: Oct. 29, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

Suisun City police log: Oct. 29, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
.

US / World

Judge approves Stockton’s bankruptcy plan

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
California eyes $500 billion in water spending

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Marine wants new charges in Iraq war crime tossed

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

 
Roseville officer accused of criminal threats

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3

Poll: Democrats leading in all statewide races

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Man charged with murder in SWAT officer shooting

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Teen arrested in threat at Sacramento school

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Police make arrest in slaying of Oakland mom

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Retrial in assault case over stray cat feeding

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Missing California hunter roasted bugs, lizards

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Pilot identified in California jet crash

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Lawsuit: Surgical gowns let diseases pass through

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Fearing Ebola? Doctors say get a flu shot

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Questions, answers about California’s Ebola policy

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Maine in standoff with nurse over Ebola safeguards

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Relatives suspected poisoning in family’s deaths

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Pair convicted in secret $1.6 M Navy silencer deal

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

 
Guard troops sent to site of Hawaii lava flow

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

Terminally ill woman may postpone taking her life

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

 
Man’s own dog helps police bust him on drug charge

By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

Vatican admits Sistine Chapel frescoes ‘whitened’

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10 | Gallery

 
Israel closes Jerusalem holy site after shooting

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Fearing uprising, Iraq militants hunt ex-police

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10 | Gallery

 
Death penalty sought for trooper ambush suspect

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12

.

Opinion

Man’s prosecution unwarranted

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A11

 
Are we safe now?

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A11, 14 Comments

 
Editorial Cartoons: Oct. 31, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

Brown’s moderate stance resonates with voters

By Dan Walters | From Page: A11

 
 
.

Living

Community Calendar: Oct. 31, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

 
Today in History: Oct. 31, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

My husband sends texts filled with ‘dirty talk’ to an old flame

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

 
Horoscopes: Oct. 31, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

Week in preview Oct. 31-Nov. 6, 2014

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
Jorge Garcia makes the most of ‘Hawaii Five-O’

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Monica Potter wants to save her show ‘Parenthood’

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Review: Jake Gyllenhaal, tightly coiled and creepy

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Exhibit on Paul Simon’s life to debut at Rock Hall

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
PBS touts 2013-14 ratings growth

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Reality TV show ‘Big Brother’ to debut in China

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
‘The View’ now under ABC News as further revamping

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

Review: ‘Sleep’ a decidedly average psych thriller

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Entertainment calendar Oct. 31, 2014

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B4

Winter’s wife has blues listening to his new album

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

 
Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Galway Kinnell dies

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
.

Sports

 
 
Benicia fends off Vanden, 35-21

By Nick DeCicco | From Page: B7 | Gallery

New dynasty: Giants capture 3rd title in 5 years

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7 | Gallery

 
Bye week helps 49ers Vernon Davis’ recovery

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

Sonoma Raceway to host IndyCar Series finale in 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
Warriors exercise options on Barnes, Ezeli

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

Mack making impact for Raiders even without sacks

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8 | Gallery

 
This date in sports history for Friday, Oct. 31, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B9

 
Prep football capsules: Week 9

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B10

.

Business

Not so sweet: Chocolate prices are set to rise

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11 | Gallery

 
Apple CEO publicly acknowledges that he’s gay

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11, 1 Comment | Gallery

FTC accuses Gerber of false claim on baby formula

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

 
.

Obituaries

Oscar Lee Vezeau

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
Robert Louis Wright

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

.

Comics

Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9