Here’s a fact that makes me downhearted: Canadians are happier than us.
This confirms my long-held belief that Canadians are preparing for a takeover. They must know something, right? Why would they be happy while living that far north and subsisting on a diet of Canadian bacon, Canada Dry and maple syrup?
Canadians are cursed with hockey as a national game, for crying out loud! A look at any map reveals that 99.9 percent of the country is frozen tundra. It’s the homeland of Justin Bieber, William Shatner and the band “Loverboy,” for goodness sake.
And they’re happier than us? Ooooooh. I’m angry.
Which could hurt us worse in the Third World Happiness Report next year.
The second version of that report was released recently, revealing that Americans are the 17th happiest people on Earth. Canadians (I know! Despite Celine Dion!) rate sixth.
A closer look at the report reveals that Canada isn’t the only cold, northern country filled with happy people. The five happiest countries, according to the study, are Denmark, Norway, Switzerland, the Netherlands and Sweden.
For contrast, the most unhappy are the African countries of Rwanda, Burundi, the Central African Republic, Benin and Togo.
People in Togo are unhappy, I suspect, because eating establishments don’t have any tables in them. Because, of course, you can only order food Togo. (Now that joke makes me happy!)
The study suggests that cold, northern people are happier than people living in temperate Africa? “Jump back,” as Kevin Bacon’s character said in “Footloose.” (Filmed in America by Americans. That fact also makes me happy – that Kevin isn’t a Canadian Bacon.)
There are a lot of factors mentioned in the study, but reading it irritated me – and I didn’t want to risk making the United States drop out of the top 20, so I stopped.
By nature, I’m pretty happy – as anyone who knows me can attest, presuming they’ve seen me walk down the street while whistling as little joyous birds circle my head. As a happy person, I’d rather not focus on what’s wrong, so I have three suggestions to improve our national happiness factor:
Barring the success of those, I’ve got one last suggestion: Invade Canada.
As we all learned at a young age, if you can’t make yourself happier, just try to make those happier than you less happy. Defeating the Canadians might be a good first step.
Just thinking of it makes me happy.
Reach Brad Stanhope at 427-6958 or email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/bradstanhope.