Do any of you have a good idea for a new invention? I just saw a commercial on TV asking people to call them and tell them all about your idea for a brand new innovation. Personally, I would be a little leery of explaining my idea over the phone to a complete stranger.
In fact, whenever I have a brilliant idea for a new gadget, I usually only tell my friends and loved ones. I tell the people who are the closest to me, thereby having complete faith that they won’t steal my idea and make a million bucks that rightfully belongs to me. However, what usually happens is that I will tell my friends and family – the ones who I cherish the most in this life – and they will proceed to tell me that I am an idiot.
Those are pretty harsh words, right? I mean, if my inventions were idiotic, then that would be fair criticism, but my ideas for new inventions are innovative and ground-breaking. It’s not like I’m suggesting having an emergency ejector seat on a helicopter, or a screen door on a submarine. Now that would be idiotic! It’s innovative, but not very practical.
Nor am I suggesting the mass production of something like an impact-activated parachute, or a boomerang hand grenade. Sure, I truly believe that those inventions would work, but the practicality of them leaves something to be desired.
No, my inventions are truly revolutionary, as you’ll soon find out because I’m going to share them with you. Don’t steal my ideas and make a million bucks, though.
First of all, I’ve developed a new technology called “Daydar.” It’s able to tell you when it’s daylight outside. You may ask, “What if I just look out the window?” Well, this is true, but what if you were in the basement? You might then ask, “What if I just look at the clock?” OK, but what if that clock is broken? You might then say, “What if I look at the time on my cellphone?” I would then say, stop asking me so many questions!
Actually, my Daydar invention was the residual ingenuity of my next invention.
I did some pioneering in the field of electricity with my “reverse light bulb.” Instead of making the room lighter, it makes the room darker. You might ask, why don’t I just turn off the regular light bulb to make the room darker? Aha! But what if it’s already daytime? Ever think of that, smarty-pants? You see, if it IS daytime, then you could use the “reverse light bulb” to make the room darker. Then, you could use the “Daydar” device in order to tell whether it was daylight outside, and then . . . and then . . . hmmm, perhaps a bit more development needs to go into these products.
While we’re on the subject of dark, I’ve also created a black highlighter pen. It marks the text real nicely, but it’s difficult to read what you mark . . . because it’s black. I believe that more development into this product is needed as well.
I’ve also invented the nasal-hair curling iron, dandruff-fortified shampoo, an air conditioner for a motorcycle, a gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater and a suede raincoat that probably needs a bit more development at this time. I’ve developed some emo grass, which has been genetically modified to cut itself. I’m also proud of my home incontinence test. It’s like a home-pregnancy test except it’s used to test whether you’re incontinent or not. You see, you . . . well, you can figure it out.
What I’m most proud of are my inventions to be used in time of war. Although they aren’t battle-tested, I’m sure these little babies will prove to be useful. Like the Nerf land mine. I realize this isn’t going to kill anyone, but it isn’t my intention to hurt anyone with these inventions, even though they’re for wartime. Like my belt-fed suppressed AK-47 spit wad launcher. Then there’s my night vision underwear, infrared time-delay tactical hairbrush, stealth eyelash curler and the fragmentation cotton balls. I’ve also come up with a titanium alloy, bullet proof parachute, but I believe that it might just need a bit more development at this time.
Reach C.W. Plunkett at firstname.lastname@example.org.