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Benedict’s just too pooped to pope
Slowing with age and health issues, the pope was getting tired.
Pope Benedict XVI, who was chosen by God to be pope in 2005, was recently informed by God that he should retire and let someone else take a crack at the job. This might not seem important to some of you, but it’s a pretty big dealio to the 1.2 billion Roman Catholics in the world.
Last Thursday, the residing pope retired, handing in his badge, gun and special keys to the bulletproof Popemobile. He also doesn’t get to keep the special red shoes or the papal ring. However, for his years of service, devotion and hard work, it was rumored that he was presented a special gold pocket watch (that has a picture of St. Peter on the face, whose arms are actually the hands of the clock).
Ecclesiastical matters have been stepped up in order to fill this papal vacancy. With the jobless rate what it is, naturally there have been quite a few résumés submitted, but the Vatican doesn’t hire just anyone. Not at all. In order to become pope, you have to be elected.
A conclave of cardinals will get together and vote on prospective successors for the holy job. The cardinals will secretly cast ballots for whomever God tells them to vote for, until one cardinal receives two-thirds of the votes, and accepts the mantle of pope.
During a preliminary vote Monday, it was rumored that Barack Obama received 137 of the possible 115 total votes. Since he is unable to officially hold that office (for now), a cloud of black smoke billowed from the papal chimney, signaling that a pope had not yet been picked (either that or it was a grease fire in the kitchen). During a second try at voting, Barack Obama then received 149 of the 115 votes that were possible. After they made it clear to everyone that they could no longer vote for Obama, the voting continued. As of this writing, they have yet to finally choose a replacement for the papal throne.
But hang on to your miter, folks! That’s just the beginning of this story. Have you ever heard of Petrus Romanus?
I’m sorry to have to do this to you, but here comes yet another apocalypse conspiracy theory.
In the past two years, we’ve had Harold Camping prophesy the rapture upon us, the fiscal cliff (aka Judgment Day) and the Mayan calendar come crashing to an anti-cataclysmic end. Who would’ve thought that the Catholic Church would be the next entity to proclaim that Armageddon is nigh? Well, that’s exactly what’s coming down the pike, and you’ll be hearing a lot about it soon.
Here’s the skinny: In 1139, St. Malachy supposedly experienced visions while on a trip to Rome. He wrote down these visions on a document known as the Prophecy of the Popes. In it, he detailed the next 112 popes to take office, describing them all somewhat accurately with a short phrase. For instance, the description for Pope Benedict XVI was Gloria Olivae, or “glory of the olive,” which suggests a reference to the Benedictine order of monks from whom Benedict got his name. The monks are also known as the Olivetans, and are represented by an olive branch.
His predecessor, Pope John Paul II, was described as “from the labor of the sun/of the eclipse of the sun.” Was it mere coincidence that John Paul II was born during an eclipse and then buried during an eclipse? Cue the eerie music.
OK, now take a guess as to which pope on this list of 112 popes comes next? That’s right, the next pope will be the 112th!
Supposedly, this pope will be a really shady character who will take on the name Petrus Romanus. He will be responsible for ushering in a few things like the rapture, the rise of the anti-Christ, seven years of tribulations and the end of days.
Man, I wish I was making all this up! All this Armageddon stuff is really getting on my nerves. And just when you thought it was safe to view the world with rosary-colored glasses again.
Reach C.W. Plunkett at cwplunkett33@yahoo.com.
Discussion | 27 comments
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Rich GiddensMarch 06, 2013 - 8:15 am
I hate the Catholic church and I believe they need another reformation. The inqusition and the revocation of the edict of Nantes was bad and horrific enough but now we have the Church's modern day equivilant----unspeakable crimes against children, the hording of Rome's riches while the third world starves. That was beautifully illustrated in 1974 when Pope Paul wagged his crooked finger at the US Agriculture Secretary Earl Butz attending the first World Food Conference and said ''its the responsibility of the United States to provide food for the entire world''. The Agriculture Secretary replied ''you a make a da rules but you no a play a da game''. As Hitler and Mussolini rose to power and the bliztkrieg raged, the Pope said and did nothing. Then there's the Church's medieval view of birth control and its use in the third world---Verboten! The Catholic Church needs a reform and a bath.
Reply |C.W. PlunkettMarch 06, 2013 - 3:30 pm
I disagree to agree with a lot of what you wrote, Rich. Not a hater though. Just keeping my eyes and ears wide open. You never know what's lurking around the corner, do we? To quote Monty Python, "nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"...
Reply |Me too!March 06, 2013 - 8:42 am
I am too pooped to post, you have a nice week Plunkett! Bye
Reply |Well maybe just one?March 06, 2013 - 8:49 am
Some advice for those conclavn' Cardinals (I wonder if they twitter, or do they chirp?), This ain`t no party, this ain`t no disco, this ain`t no fooling around, you got No time for dancing, or lovey dovey, You ain`t got time for that now!
Reply |Talking HeadsMarch 06, 2013 - 8:54 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER0vQssXUrg
Reply |Advice Try to make it a fun meeting/conclaveMarch 06, 2013 - 9:04 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32WjO7IiHpI
Reply |Advice Remember to drink your juice!March 06, 2013 - 9:12 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PleFw1gZ8GM&feature=endscreen&NR=1
Reply |Advice B careful The Devil May CareMarch 06, 2013 - 9:20 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8kuyfbC7iM
Reply |2005...Sarduci on the picking of the new PopeMarch 06, 2013 - 11:36 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1aFLqoVqWw
Reply |C.W. PlunkettMarch 06, 2013 - 3:24 pm
Haha! Too pooped to post? YOU?? Riiiiiight...
Reply |This is interestingMarch 06, 2013 - 12:17 pm
google...PETRUS ROMANUS (Pt 12) The False Prophet And The Antichrist Are Here...Posted: March 07, 2012...RaidersNewsNetwork Exclusive
Reply |This alsoMarch 06, 2013 - 12:38 pm
Google...Picking the pope a contest among four camps.....John L. Allen Jr. | Mar. 1, 2013 Conclave 2013 National Catholic Reporter
Reply |C.W. PlunkettMarch 06, 2013 - 3:25 pm
Hmmmmm.... interesting stuff, huh?
Reply |Oliver D. LiversMarch 06, 2013 - 4:58 pm
The latest I heard was that the Vatican was going to use a temp agency. Makes sense to me.
Reply |Emily PostsMarch 06, 2013 - 6:24 pm
Polite Popes are the most proper choice.
Reply |Joy F. Orever and John K. EatsMarch 06, 2013 - 7:12 pm
Plunkett you are a thing of beauty!.........In Praise of the Pub.....Souls of Poets dead and gone,... What Elysium have ye known,... Happy field or mossy cavern,... Choicer than the Mermaid Tavern?... Have ye tippled drink more fine... Than mine host's Canary wine?... Or are fruits of Paradise... Sweeter than those dainty pies... Of venison? O generous food!... Drest as though bold Robin Hood... Would, with his Maid Marian,... Sup and bowse from horn and can........... I have heard that on a day... Mine host's sign-board flew away;... Nobody knew whither, till... An astrologer's old quill... To a sheepskin gave the story -... Said he saw you in your glory, Underneath a new old sign,... Sipping beverage divine,... And pledging with contented smack... The Mermaid in the Zodiac.... Souls of Poets dead and gone,... What Elysium have ye known,... Happy field or mossy cavern,... Choicer than the Mermaid Tavern?...
Reply |New Reality show....March 08, 2013 - 7:06 pm
Dancin' w/the Conclavn' Cardinals...They are working on this dance routine! Learn your dance steps Cardinals!....See below
Reply |Muskrat RambleMarch 08, 2013 - 7:08 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddY6vjEVtgw
Reply |StRMarch 08, 2013 - 7:15 pm
Reality show Dancin' with the Cardinals...This would make a good SNL skit you can have the idea SNL....I would be honored....Make it Happen OK...or I will be forced to insult your writers in a shakespearean manner and have my friends at MAD MAGAZINE satirize SNL in an upcoming MAD MAGAZINE issue. SNL = Saturday Night Live (for those of you in Rio Linda)
Reply |SNL.....another ideaMarch 08, 2013 - 7:18 pm
Have the MAD MAGAZINE writers/illustrators host SNL.....That would be fun...correct?
Reply |StR No No No Not CorrectMarch 10, 2013 - 1:16 am
Ok so I really do not watch much TV, and I just watched SNL and I had not watched it in a long time. It has no redeeming social value and is not funny anymore, very in the gutter. If this is the best they can do, the show should go off the air. Have you all sold your souls? You can get them back...... Even though I think MAD MAGAZINE has some room for improvement (I will write to them) it is still for the most part funny. So MAD MAGAZINE staff is too good for SNL. So never mind, I hate it when that happens, that's the ticket, it's always something, Oh Nooooooo, please ignore my suggestion above. Thank You and Good Evening.
Reply |You're a Character DearMarch 09, 2013 - 12:33 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SrxdS_6UvY&feature=endscreen&NR=1
Reply |Tonight You Belong To Me (from The Jerk)March 10, 2013 - 2:01 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqtmXnQZ6Qk&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Reply |Bernadette Peters - All That Jazz 1975March 10, 2013 - 2:08 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuBs-tHKyZc
Reply |Interview with Malichi Martin Very InterestingMarch 12, 2013 - 8:50 pm
www (dot)newcovenantjournal (dot) blogspot (dot) com/2010/07/nature-of-evil-exorcism-possession (dot) html
Reply |Protestant exorcismMarch 12, 2013 - 11:04 pm
Demons have come to kill, steal, and destroy. They take possession of lives, oppress believers and wreak havoc on the plans of God for His people. Could they be the source of YOUR struggles? Jesus did not say to counsel demons out or to medicate them out; He said, “Cast them out!” Every day, we give demons too much power when in fact, Jesus has given us authority to bind them and command them to leave. In When Pigs Move In, Don Dickerman delivers principles for deliverance, providing stories of men and women whose lives have been transformed because someone looked the devil right in the eye and commanded: “In Jesus’ name, get OUT!” Dickerman includes interviews and insight into such notable conversions as David Berkowitz (Son of Sam), Ed Ferncombe (one of Ireland’s worst criminals), and many others who have been delivered and set free........Book When Pigs Move In by Don Dickerman....I highly recommend that ministers read this one...The whole hierarchy and the spiritual legalism aspects are very interesting....in that in some manner you have to give the Devil the right to enter..but sometimes it can be through generational curses....Masonry and fraternal organizations are highly destructive to a soul, or cruelties done at a young age that start you off with a broken spirit.
Reply |Vatican Bank StuffMarch 13, 2013 - 12:56 pm
Popes and demons: Mysterious Vatican bank poses problem for new pontiff....Posted on March 11, 2013....Aftermath News
Reply |