Friday, August 22, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Heroes for Hire event goes haywire

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | April 21, 2014 |

It looked like a comic book convention at the Morrison Hotel, but the caped and costumed throng seated in the main ballroom were not fans, but actual superheroes. Kelly Mair, executive director of Heroes for Hire, gently blew on the microphone before welcoming everyone and introducing herself.

“Our company recognizes that while saving the world is a great thing, it doesn’t necessarily put food on the table,” Mair said. “Plainly put, we get jobs for superheroes. We match your unique skill sets with those that employers are seeking.”

Just then the THWIP! sound of webbing attaching to the enormous chandelier in the center of the room startled everyone as Spider-Man swung from his webline, spun in midair and landed smoothly on his feet next to Mair.

“To paraphrase my Uncle Ben: ‘With great power comes great responsibility . . . and maybe a great paycheck!’ ” Spider-Man said. The room erupted into laughter as he took a seat onstage next to Wolverine.

“That is not really our motto, but we do realize that presenting a bill to the city after defeating Magneto or foiling the Joker is just not done. Crime-fighting is your mission, but you still need a job,” Mair said. “Here to demonstrate a success story, please welcome, from the X-Men, Wolverine!”

While the audience applauded, a huge machine that looked like a baseball pitching machine was wheeled in to the right of the stage and two barrels were placed about 30 feet away from it. Wolverine stepped between them, about 2 feet from the barrels.

“Now, Wolverine’s adamantium claws are tailor-made for butchery. Our innovation was to help him make money and get a workout,” Mair said.

She nodded to a man in a white lab coat, who turned on the machine. Wolverine faced it and the metallic SNIKT! sound of his claws extending reverberated throughout the room. The attendant loaded a huge chunk of beef into the machine and it shot at Wolverine, who sliced it in midair with one swipe of his claws. The machine was turned off and Mair reached into the barrel.

“Perfectly cut steaks!” she said, holding one up for the clapping audience. “Thank you, Wolverine. We have also found jobs for Captain America giving motivational speeches, Wonder Woman selling replicas of her bracelets online and on QVC and we even helped Thor start his own religion. Now please let me introduce the founder of Heroes for Hire, Mr. Luke Cage!”

Luke Cage took the stage to thunderous applause and talked about his employment struggles and how founding the company helped him and countless others.

“We guarantee every hero will get a job,” Cage said. “As you see, the long line of employers we’ve invited are eager to talk with you. Each of you has a card that . . . ”

Luke Cage was interrupted by a shouting match between The Thing from the Fantastic Four and a rather slender man in the back of the room. They were arguing over who should get the last doughnut at the refreshment table.

The Thing pushed the man aside brusquely and suddenly the man started to grow, turn green and his clothes started to rip and fall off, except for his purple pants.

The Incredible Hulk then grabbed The Thing and, with one arm, hurled him 150 feet toward the front of the room. If The Flash hadn’t zipped in and grabbed Kelly Mair, she would have been crushed. The Thing peeled himself from the far wall and announced loudly that it was “Clobberin’ Time!”

The Hulk had already grabbed the chandelier (with the webline still attached) and hurled it at The Thing, but the Invisible Woman blocked it with a force field and it shattered into a million pieces.

The ensuing super-superheavyweight battle completely wrecked the ballroom and it took the combined strength of Superman, Thor and a binding device made from Green Lantern’s ring to corral The Hulk and calm him down enough so he changed back to his alter-ego.

True to their guarantee, Heroes for Hire got Bruce Banner/The Hulk a job with Acme Demolition as well as a modeling gig with Junk In The Trunk Big and Tall Fashions.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 8 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • At the End... Will you still call me Friend?April 21, 2014 - 10:49 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tpl6ncyxLGw

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • That makes you Larger than LifeApril 21, 2014 - 10:54 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1v9Z2FVkuY

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • ? The Invisible Woman ?April 21, 2014 - 11:00 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pN60DR5GQpg

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Oh Tony... I can not compete with you! ( Job Shadowing a Super Hero )April 21, 2014 - 11:21 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrJkEs-djHg

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • NFSD Elvis Presley & Shelley Fabares - Spring Fever (captioned)April 21, 2014 - 11:32 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyQ1APPtcIY

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJfYjLvawgEApril 21, 2014 - 3:00 pm

    Tony: Are you the one with the Jumpin' Beans in your Jeans?... No wait ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I think that is Mr. Practical !........... A Column challenge..... A salute to Corny Dialogue in movies?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • 4 U Jazzy Laura Fygi - Old Devil Moon Do U Like?April 24, 2014 - 6:15 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X56a1x9zslk

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Jo Stafford - Old Devil Moon, 1958April 24, 2014 - 6:20 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi1gSonLUfc

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Green Valley water users appeal court ruling

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1

 
Chapkis Dance brings award-winning moves to Vacaville

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Ducks on the pond, sturgeon in the water

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A1, 3 Comments | Gallery

Jazz invasion Aug. 30 at performing arts center

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
Salsa star Domingo Quinones headlines Festival de la Isla

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
How I spent my summer vacation

By Tony Wade | From Page: A2

 
Small fire takes place at Solano College

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A3, 1 Comment

 
Internet cafe measure goes before state Senate

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3

 
Housing specialist to speak before Senior Rountable

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3

Brown approves ‘dining with dogs’ law

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A3, 2 Comments

 
Fairfield police log: Aug. 20, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Suisun City police log: Aug. 20, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

.

US / World

Aunt of toddler killed pleads not guilty

By The Associated Press | From Page: A3, 2 Comments

 
San Francisco to tally bird-into-window death toll

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

GPS devices find huge water loss in western US

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Cops greet students at school where plot thwarted

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4 | Gallery

California plans aid to immigrant minors

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
California to appeal ruling tossing death penalty

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Stunt blocks traffic on Golden Gate Bridge

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Bodies of 2 men found in adjacent California yards

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Assembly approves greater disclosure for campaigns

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
No bail for woman in Amish girls’ kidnapping in NY

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Lawyer: Utah restaurant had other chemical burn

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Ice bucket challenge goes awry, firefighters hurt

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Marathon bombing suspect’s friend pleads guilty

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
US judge strikes down Florida gay marriage ban

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Gov. Nixon taking National Guard out of Ferguson

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
American Ebola doc: ‘I am thrilled to be alive’

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Syria opposition: Deadly chemical attack forgotten

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Russian aid convoy advances toward Ukraine

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Israel kills 3 Hamas military commanders in Gaza

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Turkey’s Davutoglu named new premier

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Thai army ruler named prime minister

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Indonesian court rejects election loser’s appeal

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Liberia gives food in slum sealed to stop Ebola

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Foley case lays bare debate over paying ransom

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Pentagon: Islamic State militants will regroup

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Record drought saps California honey production

By The Associated Press | From Page: A12 | Gallery

.

Opinion

Are America’s police over-militarized and under-accountable?

By Ben Boychuk and Joel Mathis | From Page: A11

 
Young men helped me, and I thank them

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A11

Get it straight in Ferguson

By Bud Stevenson | From Page: A11, 1 Comment

 
Editorial Cartoon: Aug. 22, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

 
.

Living

Today in History: Aug. 22, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: Aug. 22, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

My whole house shakes when my new neighbors drop their barbells

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

 
Horoscopes: Aug. 22, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

Week in preview Aug. 22-28, 2014

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: B1

 
The voice-overs can’t save ‘Sin City: A Dame to Kill For’

By Mcclatchy-Tribune News Service | From Page: B2

Review: A sweet Moretz rescues ‘If I Stay’

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Emmy hopefuls play the angles to nab trophies

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

Seth Meyers prizes his new role as Emmycast host

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
Entertainment calendar Aug. 22, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: B4

Julianne Hough dances back to ‘Dancing’ as judge

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
Jon Hamm hopes Ferguson will come out stronger

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

Fade to black: Leonard Maltin ending movie guides

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
‘Doctor Who’ returns with a new season on BBC America

By Mcclatchy-Tribune News Service | From Page: B6

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
.

Sports

 
Local boxers make weight and are ready to fight

By Marcus Lomtong | From Page: B7 | Gallery

Serena Williams to face Townsend in Open 1st round

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
Loose sod at new Levi’s Stadium removed

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7 | Gallery

Raiders’ Woodson returning to Lambeau, faces Pack

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7 | Gallery

 
Phelps back in international comp, advances in 100

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

Tigers’ Price throws 1-hitter, loses to Rays 1-0

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
Philly loses to Chicago in LLWS

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8 | Gallery

Ryu sets course record at Canadian Women’s Open

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
McIlroy stumbles to 74, worst start in 2 months

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8 | Gallery

Cal interim AD Williams jumps into new role

By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

 
Teams test out a new helmet, but does it work?

By The Associated Press | From Page: B10 | Gallery

Goalkeeper Tim Howard taking break from US team

By The Associated Press | From Page: B10

 
Signups for Friday, Aug. 22, 2014

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B10

.

Business

Big 2015 Chevy Tahoe remains a rare breed of SUV

By Ann M. Job | From Page: C1 | Gallery

 
Applications for US unemployment aid fall to 298K

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

United lures top fliers with promise of a hot meal

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11 | Gallery

 
Family Dollar rejects Dollar General offer

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

S&P 500 closes at a record; Hewlett-Packard gains

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

 
Ford recalling more than 160,000 vehicles

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

Bank of America settlement likely to benefit few

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

 
US housing recovery appears to be back on track

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

Airline group forecasts uptick in Labor Day travel

By The Associated Press | From Page: B11

 
.

Obituaries

Richard Ray Jr.

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Mary Louise Loveall

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

George ‘Wayne’ Hause

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Sharon Ilene Boyd

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

.

Comics

Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9