Tuesday, September 2, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

I have to prove that I am a pooper scooper

10406380_10152111388956946_7260145993994286865_n

By
From page A2 | July 14, 2014 |

First off, I apologize for so many references to poop, since I happen to know that both of my regular readers check out my column at breakfast time.

I was going to soften the blow by using a suitable euphemism for horse poop, such as “political promises,” but decided against it.

For the third consecutive year, I volunteered to be a pooper scooper at the Fairfield Fourth of July parade. In 2012, the city was in danger of not having a parade, but volunteers stepped up and made it happen.

I posted in a Facebook group then that I would do whatever was needed, including pooper scooping, and City Councilwoman Catherine Moy and others held me to it.

Like last year, I assisted Boy Scout Troop 182 from Suisun City, led by Scoutmaster Ken Miller Jr. The first couple of years, I really didn’t scoop that much poop.

This year? What the heck were they feeding those horses? I checked to see if maybe their saddles were too tight. It was like they were trying to set the Guinness World Record for horse pooping.

In the previous two years, the horses we followed were near the parade’s beginning. This year, they were number 53 out of 61 entries. That was cool because I had an opportunity to see more of the parade as we waited.

I thought the entries this year were great and I hope that the horses’ repeated bowel excavations in the staging area was not an equine editorial comment on the quality of the participants.

I did some research in preparation for the parade. Specifically, I read the book “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi. If someone needed me to scoop up poop from a rhino, camel or sperm whale, I was ready. What does the fox say? Well, I dunno, but I can scoop his poop.

Finally, it was our turn to march behind three steeds. It is always fun to see people I know in the crowd, so allow me a “Romper Room” looking-in-the-magic-mirror moment. I saw Terrell Wiliams, Jennifer Matcham, Gary Falati and many more.

I even had a stranger yell, “I LOVE YOUR COLUMNS!” Which was great . . . until he called me Kelvin.

I worked out a code phrase with the Scouts and tested their readiness in drills.

Then, it happened.

A horse in front of us, with no shame and apparently in an effort to test our mettle, pooped.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!” I shouted. “THIS IS NOT A DRILL!”

I told the crowd to remain calm as the Boy Scouts and I sprang into action.

We were all skilled professionals so there was no need to think, just act. We just relied on our training, muscle memory and teamwork to get the job done. Utilizing flawless technique with no wasted movements, the offending droppings were quickly removed and a crisis averted. The crowd cheered and applauded our efforts.

It was like street theater. Only with poop.

We had a couple of more command performances and the Boy Scouts and I chuckled as the throng roared approval each time. I had a blast.

So imagine my surprise when I got home and posted pictures from the morning to Facebook and was accused of (gasp) being a pooper scooper poseur.

The person who called me out will hereby be referred to as Poo Poo Head or PPH, because I don’t want him to sue me for defecation of character.

He suggested my shovel remained clean while I let the Boy Scouts do the dirty work and posed for pictures. That I was not there for the selfless service, but for the selfies.

Luckily, Anita Miller, Scoutmaster Ken’s wife, had photographic evidence of my scooping. If that is not enough, I will gladly leave Exhibit A in a flaming paper bag on PPH’s porch after ringing his doorbell.

The crowd’s applause was nice, but I didn’t do it for that. I was just doing my duty (tee hee, I said doody). Now, I do think I deserve attaboys for resisting the almost overwhelming urge to cleverly work the words “shitake mushrooms” into this column.

Oh, wait.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 2 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Anne SmithJuly 14, 2014 - 11:12 am

    Couldn't you have used a few more euphemisms and mentioned the word "poop" a few more times? Oh, wait. I guess not! I remember when my son was in that troop and had that job. It has to be done and I thank all of you for doing it.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • 2realJuly 14, 2014 - 8:26 pm

    Yes it is mark. I have some crap around the yard if u wana help out ;)

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Labor Day not a holiday for everyone

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3, 2 Comments | Gallery

 
Labor Day breakfast introduces union-backed candidates

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3 | Gallery

Pool provides last dose of summer fun in the sun

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
SafeQuest schedules peer counseling training course

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A5

 
Fairfield police log: Aug. 31, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Suisun City police log: Aug. 31, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

Suisun City police log: Aug. 30, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Fairfield police log: Aug. 30, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

.

US / World

VP Biden says workers deserve ‘fair share’

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Obama: ‘Revving’ economy calls for higher wages

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

Senegal monitors contacts of 1st Ebola patient

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
San Francisco to be 1st to test urban farming law

By The Associated Press | From Page:

GOP challenger tries novel tactics against Brown

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
US eating habits improve a bit – except among poor

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 2 Comments | Gallery

 
No gray area: Beliefs shape views of Brown killing

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 1 Comment | Gallery

Americans detained in North Korea call for US help

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
Iraqi prime minister pledges to root out militants

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

Poland’s PM: Ukraine’s war must be stopped now

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
Pro-Russian rebels lower demands in peace talks

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 2 Comments | Gallery

US helicopter crashes in Gulf of Aden; all rescued

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
.

Living

Community Calendar: Sept. 2, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page:

 
.

Entertainment

Inquiries begin into nude celebrity photo leaks

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
‘Guardians’ tops Labor Day, summer box office

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

 
.

Sports

Kirk rallies to win the Deutsche Bank

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Rockies top Giants after losing end of suspended game

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Dunn homers in 1st at-bat as A’s top Mariners

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Right guard Boone passes physical, rejoins 49ers

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Raiders name rookie Derek Carr as starting QB

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Armijo beats Vanden 2-0 to claim All-City boys soccer title

By Brian Arnold | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Armed with new deal, Chiefs’ Smith looks forward

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Column: Stewart’s Chase status doesn’t matter

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Raiders ink CB Dowling, 9 others to practice squad

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Serena Williams, Djokovic roll to US Open quarters

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Houston Astros fire manager Bo Porter

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Hamels, 3 Phillies relievers no-hit Braves

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
.

Business

Markets drift as Wall Street has day off

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Austerity debate flares as Europe recovery fades

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

Civil disobedience expected in fast-food pay fight

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 7 Comments | Gallery

 
.

Obituaries

.

Comics

Beetle Bailey Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Zits Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Wizard of Id Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Sally Forth Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Bridge Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Blondie Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Rose is Rose Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Get Fuzzy Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Sudoku Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
B.C. Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Baldo Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Frank and Ernest Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Crossword Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Dilbert Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

For Better or Worse Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Peanuts Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Cryptoquote Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Garfield Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Word Sleuth Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7