Thursday, August 28, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

I have to prove that I am a pooper scooper

10406380_10152111388956946_7260145993994286865_n

By
From page A2 | July 14, 2014 |

First off, I apologize for so many references to poop, since I happen to know that both of my regular readers check out my column at breakfast time.

I was going to soften the blow by using a suitable euphemism for horse poop, such as “political promises,” but decided against it.

For the third consecutive year, I volunteered to be a pooper scooper at the Fairfield Fourth of July parade. In 2012, the city was in danger of not having a parade, but volunteers stepped up and made it happen.

I posted in a Facebook group then that I would do whatever was needed, including pooper scooping, and City Councilwoman Catherine Moy and others held me to it.

Like last year, I assisted Boy Scout Troop 182 from Suisun City, led by Scoutmaster Ken Miller Jr. The first couple of years, I really didn’t scoop that much poop.

This year? What the heck were they feeding those horses? I checked to see if maybe their saddles were too tight. It was like they were trying to set the Guinness World Record for horse pooping.

In the previous two years, the horses we followed were near the parade’s beginning. This year, they were number 53 out of 61 entries. That was cool because I had an opportunity to see more of the parade as we waited.

I thought the entries this year were great and I hope that the horses’ repeated bowel excavations in the staging area was not an equine editorial comment on the quality of the participants.

I did some research in preparation for the parade. Specifically, I read the book “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi. If someone needed me to scoop up poop from a rhino, camel or sperm whale, I was ready. What does the fox say? Well, I dunno, but I can scoop his poop.

Finally, it was our turn to march behind three steeds. It is always fun to see people I know in the crowd, so allow me a “Romper Room” looking-in-the-magic-mirror moment. I saw Terrell Wiliams, Jennifer Matcham, Gary Falati and many more.

I even had a stranger yell, “I LOVE YOUR COLUMNS!” Which was great . . . until he called me Kelvin.

I worked out a code phrase with the Scouts and tested their readiness in drills.

Then, it happened.

A horse in front of us, with no shame and apparently in an effort to test our mettle, pooped.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!” I shouted. “THIS IS NOT A DRILL!”

I told the crowd to remain calm as the Boy Scouts and I sprang into action.

We were all skilled professionals so there was no need to think, just act. We just relied on our training, muscle memory and teamwork to get the job done. Utilizing flawless technique with no wasted movements, the offending droppings were quickly removed and a crisis averted. The crowd cheered and applauded our efforts.

It was like street theater. Only with poop.

We had a couple of more command performances and the Boy Scouts and I chuckled as the throng roared approval each time. I had a blast.

So imagine my surprise when I got home and posted pictures from the morning to Facebook and was accused of (gasp) being a pooper scooper poseur.

The person who called me out will hereby be referred to as Poo Poo Head or PPH, because I don’t want him to sue me for defecation of character.

He suggested my shovel remained clean while I let the Boy Scouts do the dirty work and posed for pictures. That I was not there for the selfless service, but for the selfies.

Luckily, Anita Miller, Scoutmaster Ken’s wife, had photographic evidence of my scooping. If that is not enough, I will gladly leave Exhibit A in a flaming paper bag on PPH’s porch after ringing his doorbell.

The crowd’s applause was nice, but I didn’t do it for that. I was just doing my duty (tee hee, I said doody). Now, I do think I deserve attaboys for resisting the almost overwhelming urge to cleverly work the words “shitake mushrooms” into this column.

Oh, wait.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 2 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Anne SmithJuly 14, 2014 - 11:12 am

    Couldn't you have used a few more euphemisms and mentioned the word "poop" a few more times? Oh, wait. I guess not! I remember when my son was in that troop and had that job. It has to be done and I thank all of you for doing it.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • 2realJuly 14, 2014 - 8:26 pm

    Yes it is mark. I have some crap around the yard if u wana help out ;)

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

 
Locke an unparalleled universe in the Delta

By Susan Winlow | From Page: A1, 1 Comment | Gallery

Small-town heroism on display in Napa

By Angela Borchert | From Page: A2

 
 
Review set for Vacaville fitness center suit

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3

 
Fairfield motorcyclist hurt in Beck Avenue crash

By Ian Thompson | From Page: A3

 
Chamber event looks at health care law

By Barry Eberling | From Page: B5 | Gallery

Fairfield police log: Aug. 26, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A5

 
Winterhawk Winery up for auction

By Barry Eberling | From Page: B5, 1 Comment | Gallery

Suisun City police log: Aug. 26, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A5

 
.

US / World

Boy hurt in California quake: ‘I should be dead’

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 1 Comment | Gallery

 
California beach town sees flooding from hurricane

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

California Senate passes gun restraining order

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Lawmakers approve groundwater management bill

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 5 Comments

California sets ride-sharing insurance standards

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5, 1 Comment

 
Feds allow logging after huge California wildfire

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Q&A: Few laws govern children at shooting range

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Mom pleads for release of captive US journalist

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Israeli premier, Hamas declare victory in Gaza war

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Q-and-A on Westerners who join the fight in Syria

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

Sources: US considering new relief mission in Iraq

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Shooting by 9-year-old girl stirs debate over guns

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 4 Comments

US to consider spousal abuse in immigration claims

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
UK sex abuse report prompts outrage, reflection

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 1 Comment

Dad acquitted in slaying of driver who killed sons

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6, 5 Comments

 
.

Opinion

Seizing the day with old friends

By Kelvin Wade | From Page: A11, 2 Comments

 
Signs of possible healing in Ferguson

By Jay Ambrose | From Page: A11, 4 Comments

Poor constituent service no longer acceptable

By Ruben Navarrette | From Page: A11

 
Editorial Cartoons: Aug. 28, 2014

By Kim Durbin | From Page: A11

Let’s improve entertainment control units

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A11, 8 Comments

 
.

Living

Today in History: Aug. 28, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: Aug. 28, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Horoscopes: Aug. 28, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

 
My boss insists that we all eat lunch with her in cafeteria

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Source: BET suspends producer after Blue Ivy joke

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Judge lets ‘X-Men’ director’s accuser drop lawsuit

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Rapper Young Jeezy pleads not guilty to gun charge

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

‘Cops’ crew member killed in Omaha police shooting

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Chris Soules is ABC’s new ‘Bachelor’

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

John Lennon’s killer sorry for being ‘an idiot’

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10, 1 Comment

 
Reality star accused of rape, child molestation

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

.

Sports

Fuld’s homer in 9th lifts A’s over Astros 5-4

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Posey hits game-ending 2-run homer for Giants

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Maria Sharapova comes through in 3 sets at US Open

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Raiders rookie QB Derek Carr to start vs. Seahawks

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
USC’s Shaw admits to lying about injuries, rescue

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

IndyCar sets April 12 New Orleans date

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
No. 23 UNC suspends 4 players for opener

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Clippers sign Doc Rivers to 5-year extension

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Cal needs more from its running game

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Stanford’s Kevin Hogan a ‘stabilizing agent’ at QB

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
Chicago’s Little League champs return as heroes

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

NFL suspends Browns star WR Gordon for 2014 season

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Keenum, Savage to settle Texans’ backup QB duel vs. 49ers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Raiders hope rebuild pays immediate dividends

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
After trio of near misses, 49ers chase Super Bowl

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

.

Business

US economy forecast to grow by 1.5 percent in 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
Malaysia Airlines set for shakeup after disasters

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

IMF chief Lagarde under investigation in France

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
SEC adopts rules on loan-backed securities

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

Stocks drift higher; S&P 500 holds on to 2,000

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
Reports: FBI probes JPMorgan hack

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

Time Warner Cable says outages largely resolved

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
Video games come of age as spectator sport

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

.

Obituaries

Fernanda Dee Villarosa

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Herman P. Sorensen

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

Lyle R.C. Cullum

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
.

Comics

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9