Thursday, August 21, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Tough to deal with aftermath of suicide

tony wade column sig

By
From page A2 | May 12, 2014 |

For a number of years now, my brother Kelvin and I have used the bullhorn of our respective Daily Republic columns in May to talk about our older brother Kenneth James Wade, who committed a murder/suicide on Mother’s Day 1990.

I have done the guilt/blame thing, been very angry at Ken for his actions and been surprised to discover that the crushing grief can sometimes still, so many years later, feel as fresh as when I heard the tragic news.

Taking a timeout from my regular Monday humor column to focus on such a sensitive, heavy topic serves the dual purposes of hopefully helping someone and giving me yet another positive way to deal with how much I miss my brother.

I recently attended a memorial for a man who killed himself and while he was not a close friend, I experienced the intense ripples of pain that his decision left among those who knew and loved him. That’s why this year I want to focus on those left behind after a loved one commits suicide, and how they deal with it.

Six years ago, a friend of mine was rocked to the core when her husband of 12 years committed suicide, leaving her to raise their son and twin girls alone. She agreed to share her experiences and since her children, who are still quite young, do not know how their father died, she will remain anonymous.

Q: What has been the most difficult part?

The most difficult part is seeing my kids grow up and him not being here to enjoy this experience. Not having my life partner here is not what I envisioned for my life. Anniversaries are hard. Birthdays are hard. Going to a park and seeing a family together is a trigger for me. Going to dinner alone with my kids is a trigger. I used to avoid those things, but now I am able to get through them.

Q: In what specific ways have you dealt with it?

I have a big support system. I have family and I try to stay active and live a healthy lifestyle. The girls are now in counseling, which gives them an opportunity to talk with other children who have lost parents. I have a church, I have my faith and I pray and I cry. I am angry sometimes, too. It is a wave of emotions. I have gotten counseling and did a grief share class twice.

Q: What about “closure” and moving on?

Friends want you to go on, but you can’t rush this thing and people sometimes think they are saying the right things and often they are not. I learned in counseling that life goes on. Other people have lives that are not going to stop just because your husband is gone. A lot of people didn’t feel comfortable around me because they felt I would always have a breakdown. A lot of times I felt like I couldn’t talk about memories of my husband, but I talk about him freely now. I have to make people comfortable around me. And I have people I can call when I am having a down day.

Q: Does talking about it help?

Yes. I have people come up to me and tell me they had a brother who did that. Or they had a cousin who did that. Some people want to talk about it, but some don’t. There are a lot of people out there who are in pain who could benefit from a suicide support group.

Initially, I spent a lot of energy lying about how my husband died. When people ask now, I tell them my husband committed suicide – and then you get all the questions. Working with a counselor, I now know it wasn’t about me. It’s not a reflection on me. I don’t know why this happened to me or my kids or his family, but it has and I have to move on. I can’t let it define who I am.

You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255  or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.com.

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 7 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Rita GoldenMay 12, 2014 - 1:29 am

    This is a great read Tony. My brother committed suicide in 1979 at the age of 19 years. I miss him dearly. I still remember what his feet and hands looked like, the way he walked and would bite his bottom lip and I can still hear his voice if I sit quietly and think about him. I guess you and I do have something in common Tony and I will tell you this from my heart that I am sorry for your pain and loss.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Tony WadeMay 12, 2014 - 7:10 am

    Thank you, Rita. The older I get, the more I see what a senseless act it was. "This Too Shall Pass"--good or bad--is how I live my life now. I am truly sorry for your loss as well.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • boomMay 12, 2014 - 8:51 am

    5/7/12 -I miss my bro so much. Still so confused. Its surrealistic to me to know that when he walked out that door, I would never see him alive again.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • devinMay 12, 2014 - 9:00 am

    Good job tony....this subject touches all. My friends left us during fhs 96 school year....that was real hard for us. We called it black fridays because every friday we found out someone committed suicide. ..tragic losses

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Tony WadeMay 12, 2014 - 3:41 pm

    I remember that. It was so awful. There was a young woman from my church who attended FHS then.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Patti HadravaMay 12, 2014 - 3:22 pm

    Tony, our son Rickey also died from suicide in 1990 just a few days before Mother's Day. I met your mom & brother Kelvin shortly afterwards. We did our best for each other trying to make sense of our losses, the stigma of suicide and how to go on with our lives. Every year around this time I think about your family and wonder how you are all doing. I hope that Kenneth and Rickey are at peace. Take good care of each other. Patti

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Tony WadeMay 12, 2014 - 3:44 pm

    Thank you Patti. Life does go on and while the pain is not necessarily less, it is somewhat different. Still, this time of the year, it is incredibly hard because it all comes back. I hope you and your family are well.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Railroad crossing stalemate continues

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1, 5 Comments

 
First day back to school brings laughter, jitters

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A1 | Gallery

Potrero Hills Landfill legal appeals exhausted

By Barry Eberling | From Page: A1

 
Breakfast after the Bell wins support

By Mayrene Bates | From Page: A2, 3 Comments

 
Suisun city employees get pay raise

By Ian Thompson | From Page: A3, 1 Comment

 
Fairfield candidates hear about lean, nimble city staff

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
Free e-waste collection to benefit Scarlet Brigade

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

Fairfield mayor to appear at GOP dinner

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4, 2 Comments

 
Girls on the Run seeks volunteer life coaches

By Ian Thompson | From Page: A4

College finalizes police department takeover, OKs bond plan

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A4

 
Weather for Aug. 21, 2014

By Daily Republic | From Page: B10

Fairfield police log: Aug. 19, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
Suisun City police log: Aug. 19, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

.

US / World

Beheading spurs new attacks on Islamic militants

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 9 Comments

 
Militants use British killer as propaganda

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Governor criticizes new-hire pension enhancements

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
US mission to rescue hostages in Syria failed

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1, 1 Comment

US official: More airstrikes in Iraq

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
School sorry for making special ed kids sort trash

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Police seek mystery pair in selfies after burglary

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Teens deny threatening boy in school shooting plot

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Panel OKs state librarian despite initial concerns

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Holder says he understands mistrust of police

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Liberian slums barricaded as Ebola sets new record

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
North Korea insults John Kerry over his looks

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Ukrainian govt troops take over much of Luhansk

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Picture emerges of officer in Ferguson shooting

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10, 8 Comments

Navy kicks out 34 for nuke cheating

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
CHP says officer may face serious beating charges

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10, 1 Comment

8 homes destroyed, 1,500 threatened by wildfire

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
Drought has state debating its unregulated pumping

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

.

Opinion

We’re spending way too much on raising our kids

By Megan Mcardle | From Page: A7

 
Editorial Cartoons: Aug. 21, 2014

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

California needs pedestrian-friendly neighborhoods

By Letter to the Editor | From Page: A7, 2 Comments

 
Tell the story, don’t be it

By Ruben Navarrette | From Page: A7

 
.

Living

Today in History: Aug. 21, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: Aug. 21, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Horoscopes: Aug. 21, 2014

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A9

 
Why do parents drink alcohol after their children’s games?

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A9

.

Entertainment

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A5

 
And the Emmy winners are…? We’re happy to guess!

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Aniston, Hamm, Hudson set to Stand Up to Cancer

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6

 
Emmys: Billy Crystal to pay tribute to Williams

By The Associated Press | From Page: A6 | Gallery

.

Sports

A’s stumble and must regroup with Angels coming

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Raiders FB Reece’s injury not as bad as feared

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Peavy pitches Giants to 8-3 win over Cubs

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
WR Stevie Johnson adds depth to 49ers

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

Fairfield boxer Avila set to put perfect 15-0 record on the line

By Brian Arnold | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Giants win protest, rain-shortened game to resume Thursday

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

US routs Dominicans in exhibition as Rose rests

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Schilling blames chewing tobacco for mouth cancer

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Reality check for Phelps at Pan Pacific Champs

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Kent State starting center dies at 21

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Serena Williams seeded No. 1 at US Open; Halep 2nd

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Tony Stewart skipping 3rd straight race after Ward’s death

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

Las Vegas spoils Mo’ne’s night, beats Philly 8-1

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
Sharks F Torres undergoes surgery on right knee

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

This date in sports history for Thursday, Aug. 21, 2014

By The Associated Press | From Page: B4

 
Sports on TV for Thursday, Aug. 21, 2014

By Paul Farmer | From Page: B4

.

Business

BofA reaches $17B settlement with US

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

 
Brine firm sues over biblical fracking billboard

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

Apple’s stock bounces back to hit a new high

By The Associated Press | From Page: B5

 
.

Obituaries

David G. Gibson

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Charles (Chuck) H. Doty

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

George ‘Wayne’ Hause

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Sharon Ilene Boyd

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

.

Comics

Wizard of Id

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Rose is Rose

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Zits

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Peanuts

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Blondie

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Dilbert

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Frank and Ernest

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
For Better or Worse

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Beetle Bailey

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Get Fuzzy

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baby Blues

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
B.C.

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Baldo

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Pickles

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Garfield

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
Sally Forth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

Crossword

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Sudoku

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Word Sleuth

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

 
Cryptoquote

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9

Bridge

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A9