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Competitive taxidermy, new words, sushi and more
Emptying out my columnist notebook in anticipation of 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick ripping off a mask today to reveal that he’s really Joe Montana with speed.
• • •
From the world that gave us “Cupcake Wars,” “The Apprentice,” “Redneck Island” and “The Great Food Truck Race” comes the next great thing in reality TV.
A competitive taxidermy show!
Seriously. We are four weeks away from the debut of “Immortalized,” on AMC.
According to AMC’s website, “Immortalized” will “bring viewers into the captivating and provocative world of creative and competitive taxidermy.”
Each episode of the program will feature four “highly regarded immortalizers” against a challenger.
It’s competitive taxidermy. On TV.
There are, of course, the four regulars on the show: A “rogue” (Whether she’s just a rebel or practices rogue taxidermy – where you create animals that aren’t found in nature – is unclear), a hip-hop music fan with a mohawk (What? That’s just too crazy!), a mainstream artist who says “hard work will outshine work created by a ‘rogue’ artist” and a fan of freak shows who wears a top hat.
Yes! A top-hat-wearing, freak-show fan who stuffs animals.
It’s about time that competitive taxidermy goes mainstream, and since I’ve long suggested to Mrs. Brad that I would like to be stuffed and displayed at Casa de Stanhope in the event of my untimely demise, there’s a possibility I could make an appearance on a future show. Hopefully well in the future. And hopefully I’ll be stuffed by the top-hat guy.
Until then, we’ll have to muddle through with weekly competition among elite taxidermists. I’m all in.
• • •
I love the fact that Solano and Yolo counties plan to name a “farmbudsman” to help farmers navigate the sometimes-complex permit process.
I’m a longtime advocate of combining words. I cheer words like “infotainment” “turducken” and “blaxploitation.” To have a governmental agency do it? Splendid.
• • •
Lance Armstrong is like a guy who cheats on his wife for a decade while denying it ferociously when confronted. Finally, after years of threatening those who suspected him, he admits it.
And then wants to know why he just can’t move past it. He admitted it and apologized. It’s in the past.
• • •
I don’t blame the Ohio teacher who said she’s entitled to coverage under the Americans With Disabilities Act because she has a fear of younger children.
She was moved from teaching high school to middle school, which stressed her out and led to her premature retirement, she says.
I, also, am afraid of middle-schoolers.
• • •
I think it’s unfair that people insist on giving telephone numbers in a three-digit, four-digit format. Why? And why don’t we say “dash” in the middle, since we have to say “dot” in an Internet address?
Next time someone asks my work phone number, I’ll say 4276 958. Or if they insist, I’ll say “four two seven dash six nine five eight.”
• • •
My grocery store now advertises “hybrid” sushi. In other words, it’s part sushi, part something else.
Years ago, that would have been strangely scientific, like Frankensushi. But now, with the popularity of hybrid cars, it seems environmentally friendly.
If the people who gave us “pink slime” had thought of that, they could have saved themselves some trouble.
It’s not meat with pink slime, it’s “hybrid beef.”
Reach Brad Stanhope at 4276-958 or bstanhope@dailyrepublic.net. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/bradstanhope.
Brad Stanhope
Discussion | 4 comments
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Hey Mr. Stanhop...Check this outJanuary 20, 2013 - 9:37 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQwcAj-_580
Reply |We have lots of fun on Redneck Island/FarmJanuary 20, 2013 - 9:56 am
Lots and lots of fun, alot of the time!.....Here is a Redneck Engineering Exam.... Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum..............2. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?..............3. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?.............4. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?...............5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
Reply |Just Me again.. I'm Still Here..BTGOGJanuary 20, 2013 - 11:24 am
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence................He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN.....(PS...everybody check out/google...Architects and Engineers for 911 Truth)
Reply |Movie SuggestionJanuary 21, 2013 - 11:52 am
The Island 2005....In the year 2019, Lincoln Six Echo and Jordan Two Delta live with others in an isolated compound. Their community is governed by a set of strict rules. The residents believe that the outer world has become too contaminated for human life with the exception of one island. Every week a lottery is conducted and the winner gets to leave the compound to live on the island................. Lincoln begins having dreams that include memories that he knows are not from his own experiences. Dr. Merrick, a scientist who runs the compound, is concerned and places probes in Lincoln's body to monitor his cerebral activity and record what he sees. While secretly visiting an off-limits power facility in the basement where his friend, technician James McCord, works, Lincoln discovers a live moth in a ventilation shaft, leading him to deduce that the outside world is not really contaminated. Lincoln follows the moth to another section, where he discovers that the "lottery" is actually a guise to remove inhabitants from the compound, where the "winner" is then used for organ harvesting, surrogate motherhood, and other purposes for each one's sponsor, who is identical to them in appearance.
Reply |