I’m going to be honest here: I’m not a people person. Generally, most people get on my nerves.
But saying that, I honestly do love old people. And by “old,” I really mean anyone over 90. I suppose some people would consider being over 60 or 70 to be old. Having just celebrated the 12th anniversary of my 39th birthday, some younger folks may even consider me to be old. Some younger folks might even consider me to be old just because I use the phrase “younger folks.”
You could even make the case that someone over 80 would be old, but I don’t think so. You see, if you’re in your 80s, while you might feel old, or even consider yourself to be old, you still have a long way to go until you hit triple digits.
The big 1-0-0.
By the time you’re 90, you only have 10 more years to go. You’re in the home stretch! That’s when really weird things begin to happen. I don’t know what the scientific term for it is, but that’s when old people start to get really strange. They “change.” I’m not talking about their overall “I’ll do whatever I darn well please” attitude. You know, like when they don’t feel like wearing any pants?
No, I’m talking about the proven fact that when you’re dealing with anyone over 90, it’s hard to tell whether you’re talking to a simple, everyday nonagenarian, or if you are, in fact, in the presence of a bona fide wizard.
I don’t know, maybe I’ve just watched too many movies about Merlin.
Here, let me give you a few examples of what I’m talking about.
Old people like to wear really big, crazy hats. You know, like a big, red cowboy hat, or a weird, yellow gardening hat with bright purple paisleys on it. Right? They do. You know they do. Well, guess what? Wizards wear big, weird hats, too. See where I’m going with this?
But wait, there’s more. Oh yes, my friends . . . so much more.
Last week, an old person told me that he was searching for a tome of knowledge. He sought after a long-forgotten book that was written by the “ancients” who lived in the Hall of the Mountain King. It was a manuscript of “enlightenment” that could possibly change fate of the world. Finally, I had to tell my grandpa to finish his green beans because it was bedtime.
How about this: Most old people have quite a few clothes, but favor wearing the same outfit every day (that is, when they’re not walking around pants-less). Do you know who else wears only one outfit?
The other day an old person said to me, “There is a person in power who is a great threat to this land. It is not allowed to speak his name out loud. I must go on a quest to diminish his powers.” Finally, I had to tell grandpa to finish his oatmeal because it was time for his meds.
I don’t know, maybe I’ve watched too many “Harry Potter” movies.
Most old people don’t have jobs, yet seemingly have an endless supply of money and resources. They randomly speak of adventures they’ve taken to far-away places, and their hazardous journeys back home. Most of them say odd words and phrases that don’t make any sense to mere mortals. Do you know who else doesn’t work but has unlimited funds, talks a lot about crazy quests and adventures, and speaks in riddled incantations and spells? That’s right . . . wizards!
Just last night I walked in on grandpa while he was smoking a verrrry long pipe, while sitting cross-legged and levitating four feet off the ground. He clapped his hands and a wand suddenly appeared in my hand, as he outlined a quest he had planned in order to save the world from famine, drought, wars and irritable bowel syndrome.
Finally, I had to tell grandpa, “Dude, you need to finish your apple-jack yogurt because it’s nap time. And for the love of Prospero, could you please put your pants back on?”
I don’t know, maybe I’ve watched too many “Lord of the Ring” movies.
You can conjure-up C.W. Plunkett at email@example.com.