Man it’s hot! And with the hot weather, many of you are trying to lose weight fast so you can fit into that two-piece bathing suit again. Personally, I haven’t worn mine since last September.
But how do you lose weight fast? Good question.
For starters, you could have a baby. Granted, this is always a dicey venture if you’re not already eight months pregnant, but you can always try.
Amputation is another way to shed excess body weight. Yes, it seems rather drastic (and permanent), but you know what they say: no pain, no gain (or loss, in this instance).
Another weight-loss rage is to ingest a tapeworm egg and wait for it to grow and migrate to your digestive system where it camps out to enjoy the free meals. No, this is not a joke and it’s expensive (in Mexico the treatment will set you back $1,500). When the parasite has robbed your body of valuable nutrients (which causes you to lose weight), you then consume medicine to kill the tapeworm and hopefully it doesn’t travel to your brain, thereby causing a very permanent and fatal weight loss.
This column won’t be about any of that craziness. Nor will it be about exercising or diet pills and miracle weight-loss products (such as Belviq, Garcinia Cambogia, Qsymia or chocolate).
No, today we’ll discuss diets. And not just any diets, because there are a few of the popular plan diets out there that you can actually benefit from (such as the Zone diet, the Vegan diet, the Glycemic Index diet and the Squirrel-On-A-Stick diet).
Let’s face it, most lose-weight-quick diets are bogus and only work temporarily. These are popularly known as crash or fad diets, and none of them should be considered or taken seriously.
Let’s begin with the 12-day grapefruit diet. Why 12 days? Because it’s science, that’s why.
You can eat whatever you want! And whatever you eat must include bacon. You can deep-fry a big, greasy pork sandwich in generous portions of butter and then slather it with mayonnaise, salad dressing, gravy and even more butter. You can do all of this as long as you have eight ounces of grapefruit juice during your meal, as this is supposed to be a fat-burning catalyst. Oh, and you’re also supposed to drink eight eight-ounce glasses of water every day, also. Not that that will have anything to do with a quick weight loss. And don’t forget the bacon!
And then there’s the liquid diet. Yes, you can drink your way to a slimmer, trimmer you by drinking low-cal shakes, veggie/fruity juices and water. Lots and lots of water.
Unfortunately, there was no mention of beer, which I find rather suspect and somewhat troubling. Nothing about bacon either. Can you even put bacon in a blender to make juice? I think it’s worth a try. Anyway, the problem here is that by sustaining your body with only liquids, you are missing out on certain vital nutrients and risk incurring side effects such as fatigue, heart disease and ingrown fingernails (probably).
The cabbage diet is interesting. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage . . . for seven days! That’s all you’ll eat. No beer. No bacon. Crazy, right? What they don’t tell you about this fad is that no one will want to be near you because of your severely foul carbon emissions. Another problem here is that you’re limiting your body’s intake of other nutrients and calories. Can you say, “malnutrition”?
My favorite is the negative calorie diet. This plan takes on the theory that if a stick of celery has only five calories and you burn 95 calories chewing it up, then your net loss is 90 calories while actually eating. How awesome! Furthermore, if you’re break dancing while on a trampoline and eating celery, your net loss will be 1,440 calories. If you’re juggling bowling balls while rollerblading and eating celery, your net caloric loss will be 1,800 calories.
This brings me to my own personal negative calorie diet. A 12-ounce can of Coors Light is only 102 calories. If you take into account the energy used while walking to the refrigerator and then walking back to the couch, and myriad arm-bending calisthenics needed to execute the actual drinking of the nutritional beverage, I believe that it would far exceed 102 calories, thereby making this a bona fide fad diet. The perfect fad diet, if I do say so myself!
You’re welcome! Now only if Coors Light came in bacon flavor.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone! I’ll be down at the Suisun marina for most of the day. Hope to see a lot of you all there!
Reach C.W. Plunkett at firstname.lastname@example.org.