FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
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A column of leftover odds and ends

By From page A2 | April 28, 2014

This is a column of leftover column ideas. It’s similar to that now blue fuzzy bell pepper in the back corner of my refrigerator.

If you are eating breakfast, I apologize for that last sentence.

Here then are my odds and ends:

Non-sequitur

I took my daughter Kaci to Old Sacramento recently and some guy walked up and I thought he asked me when the trains ran. I replied, “I don’t know anything about that.” He gave me a very puzzled look as he slowly walked away. I then realized that he had actually been asking for money.

My non-sequitur answer completely flummoxed him. After I finished my chortling, it hit me: this was a perfect way to handle questions that were uncomfortable.

For example:

Q: Did you know you were doing 85 mph in a 65 mph zone?

A. Well, I agree that Sammy Hagar had more vocal range, but David Lee Roth will always be the lead singer of Van Halen to me.

Q. Honey, will you take the garbage out?

A: Cows have four stomachs.

Q: How much bean curd do you put in your hair every morning?

A: “Les Miserables” is my favorite . . . wait . . . what?

Song sentences

You don’t need to understand a single word your friend says if he is a good friend – and he is a bullfrog that drinks mighty fine wine.

If someone is meaner than a junkyard dog, then any adjective describing them should be doubled.

If you must kiss the sky, please have the common decency to excuse yourself first!

So let me get this straight: You are hooked on a feeling that you are in love with me and all you can think to say is “ooga chaka” over and over?

Kids’ TV

When my daughter was younger, she regularly watched a block of TV shows targeted for kids her age called Playhouse Disney. It included among others “Bear in the Big Blue House,” “PB & J Otter” and “Rolie Polie Olie.” There was also a live-action show called “Out of the Box,” starring co-hosts Tony James and Vivian Bayubay McLaughlin.

They would sing, play games and make crafts. We would sometimes incorporate the crafts from the show into home-school art projects.

In 2000, Playhouse Disney Live came to Solano Mall. It was jam-packed. It looked like every pre-teen in Fairfield was there. I hoisted Kaci on my shoulders so she could see.

Vivian is local and I met her years later and although she has a huge talent and huge heart, she is a tiny person. Still, I was a little intimidated. At the end of each show, she and her co-host sang a goodbye song and yes, I know the words.

I would like to sing it with her. Perhaps at the close of the Arty Awards this year. There. I’ve said it.

Things I have never done

1. Ridden a horse.

2. Gone fishing.

3. Ridden a Harley.

4. Seen “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” (except for when the students go to see it in the movie “Fame”).

5. Made a “Things I Have Never Done” list . . . until now.

The scary record

As a kid, we had a Child Craft book of children’s stories and the illustrations for two of them completely freaked me out. One was the “Three Billy Goats Gruff” and the other was “The Five Chinese Brothers.” I don’t think I ever finished reading them because the pictures were so terrifying.

Still, they were nothing compared to a record that my brother Kelvin and I had that told the story of Pandora’s Box. We listened to it once and were horrified.

I was at a record store in Sacramento last week and from across the room I thought I spotted that evil vinyl disc from my childhood. My initial thought was to bolt and run while emitting an ear-piercing shriek that I would sustain until I reached safety.

But my daughter was with me, so that would not have been cool. I sucked it up and approached the disc, taking slow, measured deep breaths. I realized then it was actually “Can’t Stop the Music,” the Village People’s wretched soundtrack from their horrific 1980 movie.

I then bolted and shrieked.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at [email protected].

Tony Wade

Tony Wade

Tony Wade is the slightly older yet infinitely more handsome brother of long-time DR columnist Kelvin Wade
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Discussion | 2 comments

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  • clancyApril 28, 2014 - 10:21 am

    Too funny !!

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  • Oh yes!April 30, 2014 - 9:42 am

    A thrilling psychological thriller of odds ( May the odd among us always be favored ! ) and ends, I am thrilled by the thrill of reading this.... Way to go Tony, I expectantly wait thrill we meet again, ( in print )!

    Reply | Report abusive comment

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