Thursday is Feb. 14, and you know what that means? Other than marking the day that you should really think about finally taking down those Christmas decorations, Thursday is Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day makes some guys cringe. They don’t like having to devote yet another day of the year (birthdays, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Yom Kippur, etc.) entirely to their lady. But you know what, guys? Get over it!
With an attitude like that, your woman deserves another special day just for putting up with emotionally vacant crap like that. They deserve the chocolate. The cards. The flowers. The furry handcuffs. The candle-lit dinner. And you know what else they deserve? A movie! Take her out to a movie. Or better yet, stay home and rent a movie. And not just any movie. Make it a romantic flick.
I can already hear the groans. Am I saying that you should watch a chick flick? Yes, I am. But what exactly is your definition of a “chick flick?”
I think it comes down to most guys thinking that they can’t be Leonardo DiCaprio, Patrick Swayze or Cary Grant. They can’t be the romantic leading man. The sexual dynamo. The knight in shining armor. The UPS delivery guy.
But don’t you see, men? By renting a “chick flick,” you are that guy. You’re revealing an emotionally vulnerable side that tells your lady that you know you can never be a rich, pretty-boy movie star, but you’re willing to watch a silly, stupid, lousy, stinking love story with her anyway.
It might seem like I’m picking on you, but guys, you gotta know I’m here for you. Consider me your wingman when it comes to picking out a movie to watch Thursday night. Right now, I’m going to offer up a heaping, steaming dump of romantic movies that guys like you will love. That’s right, I’m going to give you a short list of “chick flicks for dudes.”
Trust me on this. Here we go . . .
“Bonnie and Clyde”: It’s got car chase scenes, bullets flying, Faye Dunaway, banks being robbed and guess what? It’s a love story. And at the end of the movie they both get riddled to death with bullets. Does it get any more romantic than that?
“Roxanne”: It’s a modern-day “Cyrano de Bergerac” story, starring Steve Martin. Guys, this is a love story guaranteed to make you look good. I don’t even care what you look like. You’ll look like Brad Pitt compared to Steve Martin, especially with his foot-long nose.
“The English Patient”: . . . just kidding!
“The Quiet Man”: This 1952 movie stars John Wayne. Yeah, the Duke in a chick flick. And get this . . . he’s a boxer! And he spanks Maureen O’Hara and then he spends the last 20 minutes of the movie beating the tar out of Victor McLaglen all over an Irish countryside. Did I mention that it’s also got John freakin’ Wayne?!
“Body Heat”: Seriously, just sit down and watch it. Don’t talk. Just watch.
“Bull Durham”: This movie is all about baseball, loose women, chewing tobacco and drinking beer. And . . . it’s a love story. Hello! And when Kevin Costner says, “I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days,” your woman will think how romantic that is. And you’ll be thinking about how pitchers and catchers are already beginning spring training practice.
“King Kong”: But CW, that’s a monster movie. No, no . . . it’s a love story, albeit not your run-of-the-mill, boy-loves-girl kind of flick, but no one will care. The way that big ape adoringly ogles the girl will have your woman wanting to monkey around in no time.
“Casablanca”: Humphrey Bogart was in a chick flick? You bet he was. Several. “The African Queen.” “To Have and Have Not.” “Sabrina.” But “Casablanca” is a classic that transcends mere black-and-white film. They broke up, but he never stopped loving her. He goes to the end of the Earth to hide his pain and start a new life. And then she shows up. “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.” She shatters his heart yet again. You feel it. You know his hurt. OK, now couple this with Nazis, bullets flying, alcohol consumption and airplanes: You can’t go wrong.
Good luck Thursday night. Here’s looking at you, guys.
Reach the romantic C.W. Plunkett at firstname.lastname@example.org.