Monday, March 2, 2015
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

‘Horrible-scopes’ offer new twist on fortunes

plunkett column sig

By
From page A2 | November 8, 2011 |

I just read my horoscope. What a joke! It’s all so vague and ambiguous. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your horoscope be a little more exact? A little more accurate and concise? Well, I’ve written these before and I know exactly what I’m doing. My horoscopes (which I call ‘horrible-scopes’) usually have between a 5 percent and 95 percent accuracy rate.

So here we go . . .

ARIES: Even though you’re near the end of the most difficult “spiritual-journey” of your life, be prepared for a difficult and somewhat boring “spiritual-unpacking” . . . and don’t take it personally, Aries, but someone had to be the cutoff point as to who gets left off of the Emergency-Earth-Escape-Rocket next Friday. Sorry, maybe next time.

TAURUS: Although you’ve never believed that “love conquers all,” that will all change tomorrow when “Love” invades your land, enslaves your citizens and sows all of your fields with salt. And Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you’re probably better off not knowing exactly what that really means. Let’s just say that you should steer clear of pancakes for a while, OK?

GEMINI: Your fairy godmother will hear your pleas and will appear to you in your bedroom, only she will merely sit in the corner of the room holding a ball-peen hammer and a melon baller, and she will be hissing and growling. Next time be more careful what you wish for.

CANCER: By the end of the week you’re going to have to apologize to the police department, the local fire chief, the owner of the barber shop, the head zookeeper and all those poor little Cub Scouts. And whatever you do, stay away from that jar of sea monkeys!

LEO: Due to poor quality control, unwise spending and a lack of attention to detail, Consumer Reports has rated Leo 12th out of all 12 zodiac signs. Dead last! It’s not all your fault, but there’s nothing you can do about it now. The good news is that it’s Truck Month at your local Ford dealer . . . and you know what that means: free balloons!

VIRGO: It looks like you will become the “world’s greatest parent,” but only after you visit the Dollar Store and buy that coffee cup that states that you are the “world’s greatest parent.” Congratulations! Oh, and your car keys are in the bathroom next to the jar of Q-tips.

LIBRA: You’re going to wake up and find yourself suddenly in mid-April and holding up a sign that reads, “Five Months Later.” Email me and let me know what happened, would you?

SCORPIO: You’ll meet your maker this week, but don’t worry, because according to your model number and serial code, your maker is actually the GloboTech Corporation. You’ll actually be recalled for a few minor repairs due to a faulty exhaust system, and you know exactly what I’m talking about, stinky pants.

SAGITTARIUS: Your creativity will be at an all-time high this week, so make sure you have a glue gun and plenty of macaroni, glitter, popsicle sticks and empty orange juice cans. (I could really use a new pencil holder . . . hint, hint.)

CAPRICORN: A very peculiar incident involving you, a banjo, six cantaloupes, a stepladder, a goat on a trampoline and seven toothbrushes will result in your being featured as a very rare case in U.S. medical textbooks. Good times! Good times!

AQUARIUS: It’s well documented that salmon are known for traveling thousands of miles across the ocean, then swimming up rivers and streams, hurdling obstacles and waterfalls in the process, just to spawn and lay eggs, so it will come as a huge surprise when hundreds of them show up at your doorstep this week. Many of them will ask to use the toilet, and they probably won’t be very polite about it. Some will ask to use the bathtub. Just do as they say and no one will get hurt.

PISCES: This Friday, you will finally learn the true meaning of “friendship” when a total stranger hands you a dictionary. Also, you need to be wary of a band of illegal ivory traders who are paying keen interest in your huge, oddly-shaped collarbone.

You’re welcome.

Reach the mystical C.W. Plunkett at [email protected]

LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 2 comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

  • Tony WadeNovember 09, 2011 - 6:39 am

    Oh man the ball-peen hammer and a melon baller and learning the true meaning of friendship--HILARIOUS!! Thanks for the laughs my friend!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • C.W. PlunkettNovember 09, 2011 - 3:34 pm

    Thanks Tony... but I noticed you didn't say what sign you are... : )

    Reply | Report abusive comment
.

Solano News

Whiteside ready to take Travis school board seat

By Bill Hicks | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
World War II spy shares tales of work behind enemy lines

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A1 | Gallery

I love to ‘read’ audiobooks

By Tony Wade | From Page: A2

 
Council to hear budget scenarios

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3

Sessions on Suisun water rate increases to start

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

 
Fairfield High School celebrates black history

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

Warm winter afternoon at Lagoon Valley Park

By Steve Reczkowski | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
Free medical series targets senior health issues

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

Pena Adobe hosts natural dye-making presentation

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

 
PublicStuff, an online app, set for Fairfield

By Ryan McCarthy | From Page: A3

 
Beginning gardening series starts in March

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

Literacy celebration returns this month

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3

 
Shell casings, but no victims found on Del Sur Court

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3

Vacaville 4-alarm house fIre

By Steve Reczkowski | From Page: A4 | Gallery

 
IHOP takes part in National Pancake Day

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

Local governments schedule meetings this week

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A4

 
Weather for Monday, March 2, 2015

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B10

Corner Store Gallery schedules open house

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
.

US / World

Kerry tries to dampen fuss over Israeli PM’s speech

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Hundreds of bills introduced by California lawmakers

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

Lawmakers tinker with crime measure recently OK’d by voters

By The Associated Press | From Page: A1

 
Storm brings rain, thunder, hail to Southern California

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

California GOP recognizes gay faction of party

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

 
Family backs mom of infant found dead along California river

By The Associated Press | From Page: A4

Survey: Parents increasingly ask doctors to delay vaccines

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Newspaper: Nurse who survived Ebola says hospital failed her

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Myanmar captures rare white elephant in western jungles

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Crowd kills girl suspected to be suicide bomber in Nigeria

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

New plane tracking to be tested after Malaysia jet mystery

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Iraqi premier gives ultimatum ahead of hinted Tikrit attack

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

Activists say Islamic State releases 19 Syrian Christians

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Sierra Leone’s vice president in quarantine for Ebola

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

30,000 marchers in Moscow mourn slain Putin foe

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

 
Spacewalking astronauts finish extensive, tricky cable job

By The Associated Press | From Page: A5

.

Opinion

Your right to work for less

By Mike Kirchubel | From Page: A8

 
Right fight in DC, but wrong reason

By Colbert I. King | From Page: A8

Editorial Cartoon: March 2, 2015

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A8

 
A night with a King

By Delon Jackson | From Page: A8

 
.

Living

Today in History: March 2, 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Community Calendar: March 2, 2015

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A2

Why timeouts only prolong the problem

By The Washington Post | From Page: B5

 
Horoscopes: March 3, 2015

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: B5

Horoscopes: March 2, 2015

By Holiday Mathis | From Page: A7

 
It’s never a good idea to point out how big a pregnant woman is

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar | From Page: A7

.

Entertainment

 
Will Smith’s ‘Focus’ tops box office with $19.1 million

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

Lady Gaga, Vince Vaughn take charity polar plunge in Chicago

By The Associated Press | From Page: B6

 
TVGrid March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A10

TVGrid March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B11

 
.

Sports

Lillard, Aldridge lead Blazers past Kings for 3rd in a row

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Curry scores 37, leads Warriors from 26 down to beat Celtics

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Jimmie Johnson pulls away for another Atlanta Sprint Cup win

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Giants reliever Strickland insists he’s tranquil on mound

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Former Washington basketball star Christian Welp dies at 51

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Sharks trade Sheppard to Rangers for draft pick

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
4,000 attend Jerry Tarkanian tribute in Las Vegas arena

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Garnett buys 1,000 tickets for fans for next T-wolves game

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Poulter, Casey share lead at rain-delayed Honda Classic

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Blatter concerned by Russian soccer racism before World Cup

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Broadcasters propose FIFA election debate to Blatter, rivals

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Major league baseball’s 1st black Latino star Minoso dies

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
Seller’s market for NHL teams as trade deadline nears

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Andy Sullivan wins Joburg Open for 2nd title this year

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
South Korea’s Amy Yang wins Honda LPGA Thailand

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Hannah hurls Bulldogs to 2-0 win over Campolindo

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B2

 
Oregon women upset No. 19 Stanford 62-55

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Indians open season with 12-4 win over Falcons

By Daily Republic staff | From Page: B2

 
Oregon beats Stanford 73-70, clinches bye in Pac-12 tourney

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

Process gets underway to carve up $60 million Sandusky fine

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
Cal’s big run lifts Bears past Oregon State 73-56

By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

 
This date in sports history for March 2, 2015

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez nearing 1st spring game

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7

 
Fast and furious: Rousey looks to future after 14-second win

By The Associated Press | From Page: B7 | Gallery

.

Business

Samsung ditches plastic design, adds mobile pay in new phone

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

 
In Apple’s latest update, emojis get diverse

By The Associated Press | From Page: A10

Mimi’s adds breakfast items to menu

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A10

 
.

Obituaries

Lester Singer

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

 
Jacqueline Mendes

By Nancy Green | From Page: A4

.

Comics

Garfield March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Sally Forth March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Get Fuzzy March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Frank and Ernest March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Dilbert March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Beetle Bailey March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Blondie March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
For Better or Worse March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Wizard of Id March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Pickles March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Peanuts March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
B.C. March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Baby Blues March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Rose is Rose March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Baldo March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

 
Zits March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B4

Cryptoquote March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Word Sleuth March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

Bridge March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
Crossword March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

Sudoku March 3

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B5

 
For Better or Worse March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Dilbert March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Baldo March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Zits March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Rose is Rose March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Pickles March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Garfield March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Get Fuzzy March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Frank and Ernest March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Blondie March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Sally Forth March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Wizard of Id March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Baby Blues March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

B.C. March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Beetle Bailey March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

Peanuts March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A6

 
Sudoku March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

Bridge March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

 
Word Sleuth March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

Crossword March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7

 
Cryptoquote March 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A7