Tuesday, September 2, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

My sister’s big news

By
From page A2 | February 09, 2013 |

My big sister always manages to say just what I need to hear.

Except when she doesn’t.

When we were little girls and our parents split up, she told me it was for the best and that sisters always stick together.

When our baby brother was born blind, she told me it would never matter to anybody except to people who didn’t matter.

When I noticed that our family — our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins by the dozen — seemed a bit different somehow from other people’s kin, she told me flat-out: All families are crazy, and ours, at least, was a lot more fun.

When I got a scholarship to go to college, leaving her at home with three sweet babies and a sour marriage, she told me to study hard, make her proud and remember to shave my legs.

Years later, when my first husband died, she flew from South Carolina to California, took care of my kids and all the casserole dishes and told me to go to bed.

And that summer, on a trip to Mexico, she told me to shut up and sit still while we had our picture made in the flea-bitten arms of a live chimpanzee.

I never know what she’s going to say next. I’m never sure how to anticipate it, with happiness or dread. Generally, it’s both.

In recent years, when we talk on the phone, we start with a commiseration contest. One of us will list our latest complaint, then the other will try to top it.

It’s about 50-50, who wins.

A few days ago, for example, I called to tell her that the cream the dermatologist prescribed to fade a spot on my cheek did not fade a thing. Instead, it turned my whole face redder than the rear end of a turkey. Which, I had to admit, did make the spot a lot less noticeable. Especially after my face began to peel.

“That’s nothing,” she said. “The cat just mistook my pocketbook for a litter box.”

“Oh, no! Did you keep it?”

“The pocketbook or the cat?”

“Whatever,” I said, “you win.”

Then she told me her really big news. She’d been feeling a bit off (more than her usual) and was scheduled for some tests.

“Bad ones?” I said.

“Is there any other kind?”

“Promise to call me as soon as you get the results?”

“I promise,” she said.

She forgot. So I called her house. No answer. Then her cell.

“McFarland’s Funeral Home,” said an unfamiliar voice.

“Sissy?”

“I’m sorry,” said the voice, “this phone belonged to one of our, um, customers. I’ll see if any of the family is still here.”

For a moment, it gave me serious pause. But only for a moment. My sister fools some people. But she can’t fool me.

“I cannot believe you could be that mean to me,” I said.

She laughed like it was funny. If you ask her, she’ll try to justify it by saying I once poured Diet Pepsi down her pants. Which, OK, I did. Never mind why. It was years ago. And besides, she had it coming. But getting Diet Pepsi poured down your pants is not the same thing as pretending to your only sister that you’re dead. It’s not even close.

“So what about your test results?” I said.

Then came the news that made me forget all about, more or less, every bad thing that she has ever said or done to me.

“All fine,” she said, “normal.”

I choked back an urge to comment on “normal.” No explanation of how she’s been feeling, but “all fine, normal” sounded pretty good to me.

Suddenly I was feeling a tiny bit guilty for having poured that Diet Pepsi down her pants, even if she absolutely deserved it.

So I made a solemn vow (to myself, not to her) that as long as she stays “all fine, normal,” I will never, ever pour another Diet Pepsi down her pants.

It won’t be a hard vow to keep. These days I drink Diet Coke.

Sharon Randall can be contacted at P.O. Box 777394, Henderson NV 89077, or at www.sharonrandall.com.

Sharon Randall

LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | No comments

The Daily Republic does not necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy

.

Solano News

Labor Day not a holiday for everyone

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3, 2 Comments | Gallery

 
Labor Day breakfast introduces union-backed candidates

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A3, 2 Comments | Gallery

Pool provides last dose of summer fun in the sun

By Amy Maginnis-Honey | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
SafeQuest schedules peer counseling training course

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A5

 
Fairfield police log: Aug. 31, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Suisun City police log: Aug. 31, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

Suisun City police log: Aug. 30, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

 
Fairfield police log: Aug. 30, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page: A12

.

US / World

VP Biden says workers deserve ‘fair share’

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 1 Comment | Gallery

 
Obama: ‘Revving’ economy calls for higher wages

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 1 Comment | Gallery

Senegal monitors contacts of 1st Ebola patient

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
San Francisco to be 1st to test urban farming law

By The Associated Press | From Page:

GOP challenger tries novel tactics against Brown

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
US eating habits improve a bit – except among poor

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 3 Comments | Gallery

 
No gray area: Beliefs shape views of Brown killing

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 1 Comment | Gallery

Americans detained in North Korea call for US help

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
Iraqi prime minister pledges to root out militants

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

Poland’s PM: Ukraine’s war must be stopped now

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
Pro-Russian rebels lower demands in peace talks

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 2 Comments | Gallery

US helicopter crashes in Gulf of Aden; all rescued

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
.

Living

Community Calendar: Sept. 2, 2014

By Susan Hiland | From Page:

 
.

Entertainment

Inquiries begin into nude celebrity photo leaks

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

 
‘Guardians’ tops Labor Day, summer box office

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

TVGrid

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: A11

 
.

Sports

Kirk rallies to win the Deutsche Bank

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Rockies top Giants after losing end of suspended game

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Dunn homers in 1st at-bat as A’s top Mariners

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Right guard Boone passes physical, rejoins 49ers

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Raiders name rookie Derek Carr as starting QB

By The Associated Press | From Page: B1

 
Armijo beats Vanden 2-0 to claim All-City boys soccer title

By Brian Arnold | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Armed with new deal, Chiefs’ Smith looks forward

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Column: Stewart’s Chase status doesn’t matter

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Raiders ink CB Dowling, 9 others to practice squad

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Serena Williams, Djokovic roll to US Open quarters

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Houston Astros fire manager Bo Porter

By The Associated Press | From Page:

Hamels, 3 Phillies relievers no-hit Braves

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
.

Business

Markets drift as Wall Street has day off

By The Associated Press | From Page:

 
Austerity debate flares as Europe recovery fades

By The Associated Press | From Page: | Gallery

Civil disobedience expected in fast-food pay fight

By The Associated Press | From Page: , 8 Comments | Gallery

 
.

Obituaries

.

Comics

Beetle Bailey Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Zits Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Wizard of Id Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Sally Forth Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Bridge Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Blondie Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Rose is Rose Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Get Fuzzy Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Sudoku Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
B.C. Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Baldo Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Frank and Ernest Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Crossword Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Dilbert Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

For Better or Worse Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

 
Peanuts Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Cryptoquote Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7

 
Garfield Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B6

Word Sleuth Sept 2

By Daily Republic Syndicated Content | From Page: B7