Dear Annie: My husband and I have three children, two of whom recently graduated college. We knew the dates of the graduations five months in advance, and we told my mother, the only grandparent they have. We told her how much we wanted her to attend and celebrate the accomplishments of her two oldest grandchildren. She said she couldn’t attend our son’s because she had a board meeting she “simply could not miss,” and the date for our daughter’s graduation conflicted with her picking up her new Mercedes at the dealership.
I am beyond hurt that my mother takes such little interest in any of my children. They are awesome kids and are always polite and well mannered around her. What should I say to her? (I know what I would like to say, but I won’t.)
Mom’s friends are always telling me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful mother when it couldn’t be further from the truth. Mom is extremely self-centered and is happy to purchase a new piece of expensive jewelry before spending any quality time with her grandchildren. She treats my siblings’ children the same way, with the exception of one sister whose children she positively spoils. She attends those children’s sporting events, school activities and every party she is invited to.
I am a loving and caring daughter and want to have my mother in my life, but frankly, I don’t believe it’s healthy anymore to keep being hurt. I thought about telling Mom how I feel in a letter, but I doubt she would see the problem. How do I explain to my kids that it’s not them? How do I handle Mom’s lack of interest? — At a Loss for Words
Dear At a Loss: Your mother sounds narcissistic. If you can accept her as she is, selfish and self-absorbed, you can have a limited relationship. There’s no point inviting her to your children’s events, because you will only be hurt by her response. Your children are old enough to understand that Grandma has personality issues that prevent her from appreciating them, and it is not anything they can change. Don’t expect more than she is capable of giving, and you will be able to handle her with less frustration and sadness. We hope you have friends who can fill the gap.
Dear Annie: I’d like to mention something that your senior readers might not be aware of.
When my husband (a state employee) passed away, I was given the option of continuing his state health care policy. It is an excellent policy and very reasonable. Not long ago, I was looking through the policy information and came across the fact that should I remarry, I would lose the coverage.
I am sure there are others out there who have continued with their spouse’s insurance and might not be aware of this clause. As boring as it might be, I heartily suggest sitting down with one’s health insurance policy to become familiar with all of the ins and outs. I’m pretty sure I would not take a chance on remarriage at this stage of my life. — Covered in Massachusetts
Dear Covered: Too often, people do not check such things and don’t realize that there are hidden clauses and other surprises that merit some attention. We’re certain everyone will take a closer look thanks to your warning.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Hope for the Helpless,” whose husband checks out every attractive woman. Here’s a different take on this issue.
As a new bride, I noticed my husband’s wandering eye at the beach. There were lots of pretty young women in skimpy bathing suits. As we looked around, I asked my husband, “Did you see the purple bikini over there?” He later told me it took all the fun out of it when I pointed out the pretty women. — K.
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.