Thursday, April 24, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

My husband watches online porn and won’t stop. What should I do?

Dear Annie: My husband likes to watch porn. I don’t care to watch it myself, but if my husband asks me to join him in his viewing, I will.

Recently, I found out that my husband was watching porn on his phone at work. When I confronted him, he claimed it was just an advertising pop-up. But I knew he was not being truthful. I checked his phone and found that these were actual websites that you have to log on to in order to view the contents.

I don’t like him to watch porn at all, but I’d rather we watch together than know he’s accessing live webcam shows and chat rooms. I consider this to be cheating. I have told him how it makes me feel and have asked him to stop. But he says he’s going to continue because he enjoys it and sees nothing wrong with it.

Now he erases the data from his phone so I won’t see it. After 28 years together, he is now deceiving me, and I am terribly hurt. He doesn’t seem to care how I feel or that he is damaging the trust between us. What did I do wrong for him to treat me this way? I have asked him to see a marriage counselor or a sex therapist with me, but he’s not interested.

I love him, but I don’t think I can live with this kind of life. Do you think watching and chatting with a real naked woman online is cheating? What about watching porn behind your wife’s back? Is this normal behavior in a marriage? — Angel in Anaheim

Dear Angel: A marriage is not healthy when one partner doesn’t care about the feelings of the other. Unlike old-fashioned pornography, the Internet provides real women, in real time, performing virtual sex acts. This not only creates unrealistic expectations of one’s actual partner, but it can become addictive. Your husband may not be having an affair, but he is both sexually and emotionally connected to other women, which could be considered cheating. Since your husband refuses to go for counseling, please go on your own and sort it out.

Dear Annie: My husband, “Tom,” passed away nearly three years ago. He had a lot of friends, most of whom I haven’t seen since Tom’s funeral.

Our daughter has since gotten engaged, and we are now in the process of creating the guest list. Are we obligated to invite Tom’s closest friends even though they have made no effort to stay in touch with our family? — Bitter in Vermont

Dear Bitter: Unless your daughter would like these people to be invited, you are not obligated to include those “friends” who have made no effort to stay in your life (or hers) for the past three years. Our condolences.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “No Early Bird in California” about DPSD, a circadian rhythm disorder that prevents people from having a regular sleep schedule.

It has a name! Thank heavens! No one can understand the frustration and struggle I have had with this all of my life. I have tried so hard to go to sleep at a normal hour and wake up early, but cannot. I miss out on a lot, but I can’t help it. I feel fine when I am able to live according to my natural schedule, working night jobs and hanging out with other night people. — Night Owl

Dear Night Owl: Many readers were surprised and delighted to discover that their late-night sleep schedule could be identified. Here’s another viewpoint:

Dear Annie: I am typically up until 2 a.m. and sleep until 10. I get my eight hours each night. I do whatever my day calls for during my waking hours with no problem. Why should this be called a disorder? My order is fine. Who determines what is “normal”? Different is not synonymous with abnormal. — Massachusetts

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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