It’s all about the second day of the year

What do conservative icon Barry Goldwater, author Isaac Asimov and zoologist Jack Hanna and I have in common? Well, other than believing that Dick York was a much better Darren Stevens on “Bewitched” than Dick Sargeant, we were all born on the same day of the year: today.

Yes, I turn 48 today and so this column is all about Jan. 2. Readers should be forewarned that the only “research” I did was go to the Jan. 2 Wikipedia page that anyone — including high-functioning orangutans — can edit, so I cannot vouch for its accuracy.

Jan. 2 in history:

533 – Mercurius becomes Pope John II, the first pope to adopt a new name upon elevation to the papacy. I like the idea of changing your name, but you are supposed to change it to something better. Going from exotic Shakespeare-tragedy-character-sounding Mercurius to humdrum John is similar to when Susan Alexander Weaver inexplicably changed her first name to Sigourney.

1791 – Big Bottom massacre in the Ohio Country. I thought this was somehow related to the Spinal Tap song “Big Bottom” that featured the epic poetic couplet: “Big bottom, big bottom/Talk about bum cakes, my girl’s got ‘em.” It wasn’t.

1860 – The discovery of the planet Vulcan is announced at a meeting of the Académie des Sciences in Paris. French mathematician Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier (called “Urbie” by his homies) presented his theory that because of observed anomalies, there was a planet between the orbit of Mercury and the sun, which he called Vulcan.

The anomalies are now explained by Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity (which I could easily elaborate on, but I only get so many words here). I think it would have been way more effective and dare I say a bit more theatrical to have had Mr. Spock just come out and nerve-pinch somebody.

1905 – Russo-Japanese War: The Russian garrison surrenders at Port Arthur, China. I still don’t get why Rene Russo was at war with the Japanese, though.

1974 – President Richard Nixon signs a bill lowering the maximum U.S. speed limit to 55 mph in order to conserve gasoline during an OPEC embargo. This also inspired a vapid Sammy Hagar song.

Other notable Jan. 2 births:

1647 – Nathaniel Bacon, American colonist. Famous for the Bacon Rebellion, which was an epic skirmish between those who passionately believed that bacon makes everything better including chocolate and sex and those who didn’t (colonial vegans). Thank goodness the pro-bacon side had more muskets.

1836 – Queen Emma of Hawaii, Consort of King Kamehameha IV. I don’t know anything about her, but I never pass up the opportunity to use the name Kamehameha in a column.

1940 – Jim Bakker, American televangelist. Long before the Bakkers crashed and burned with the PTL fiasco, I watched them faithfully as a kid in Norfolk, Va., on the locally produced “The Jim and Tammy Show.” It was a Christian-based children’s program that featured the claymation “Davey and Goliath” cartoons about a little boy and his talking dog. Davey’s pooch didn’t have an air-conditioned dog house, though.

I was surprised to learn that Alan Hale Jr. (Skipper on “Gilligan’s Island”) had the absolute bad taste to die on my birthday in 1990 and found out just last week after watching the “Band of Brothers” marathon on Spike TV that Maj. Dick Winters passed away exactly one year ago today.

While some of my favorite past birthdays have included getting a “Six Million Dollar Man” movie viewer in 1976 and watching the Raiders knock the Chiefs out of the playoffs in 2000, today I plan to honor another fellow Jan. 2 celebrant, Cuba Gooding Jr.

My homage to his Academy Award-winning role as Rod Tidwell in “Jerry Maguire” will include going to a Travis Credit Union Branch and repeatedly yelling “Show Me The Money!” getting a tattoo on my back that explains the principle of “Quan,” and of course having a conversation with Tom Cruise while I air-dry naked after a shower.

Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at kelvinsbrother@sbcglobal.net.

Short URL: http://www.dailyrepublic.com/?p=121625

Posted by Tony Wade on Jan 2 2012.

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