Tuesday, September 16, 2014
FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

After 30 years of marriage, my husband is looking at a lot of porn

Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our late 40s and have been married 30 years. (We married young.)

”Eugene” has started looking at a lot of porn and seems to have a compulsion about it. We have enjoyed adult videos as a couple and still do, but Eugene now watches porn on the computer by himself. I feel betrayed, and it damages my trust. When I told him I don’t like that he looks at Internet porn so often, he became hostile and defensive. He angrily told me that “after 30 years of the same old thing, a guy needs to look at something different.”

That comment hurt me deeply, and I’ve had trouble getting past it. For a little while, Eugene backed off the porn, but now he’s sneaking around. Today, I discovered he has logged on to live chat rooms and Internet porn dating sites. When I confronted him about it, he was nonchalant, saying those sites just randomly pop up. But I know that’s not true. He’s visited those sites numerous times.

Eugene says I’m too sensitive and his behavior is normal. But, Annie, the fact that he’s sneaking around is enough for me to know it’s not acceptable. Do you think Eugene is looking for an affair? — Not Comfortable with My Future

Dear Not: We think your husband is looking for some thrills, and he’s being quite a jerk about it. This could be a typical midlife crisis: He’s approaching 50 and needs to feel young again. But such juvenile behaviors can damage a marriage beyond repair. Please ask Eugene to go with you for counseling. Tell him you want to work on the areas of your marriage that are at risk. If he won’t go, go without him.

Dear Annie: My son is getting married next year at a somewhat remote and tiny resort. Due to the distance, some guests will be arriving at the resort the day before the wedding.

The rehearsal dinner is the night before the wedding. I plan to pay for the dinner, but my wife thinks we should pay for any guests that happen to be at the resort that night. Is she right? It could be awkward if we don’t include them and have to see them in passing. The resort is small. What is the proper way to handle this dilemma? — Unsure in Illinois

Dear Unsure: All members of the bridal party, including parents, grandparents and officiants, are included in the rehearsal dinner. It is not mandatory to include all out-of-town guests, although if there aren’t too many of them, it would be both appropriate and kind to do so. Otherwise, please be sure there is hospitality provided at the resort specifically for them that includes some type of food (snacks, drinks, etc.).

Dear Annie: This is in response to the letter from “Pennsylvania,” who asked about the etiquette of announcing a death via email.

A couple of months ago, my husband’s sister emailed that an aunt had a stroke, and she said she would keep us posted. Several weeks later, I was throwing out an old newspaper and spotted the aunt’s obituary, too late to attend the funeral. No one in my husband’s family called him.

When I confronted his spacey sister by phone, she said she meant to send a follow-up email but forgot. When my husband confronted his mother, she said, “Your brother-in-law was supposed to send you an email.” It turns out that the brother-in-law offered to do so, but said the email bounced back with the wrong address. It never occurred to him to then call us.

So don’t rely on email. Sometimes it gets lost in cyberspace, bounces back or goes into spam, and some people don’t check their email often. I guess this is less a comment about the etiquette of sending an email to announce a death and more of a comment on my husband’s ditzy family. — Also in Pennsylvania

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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