From bad to awful to the absolute worst movie of the year, here we go!
10. “A Good Day to Die Hard.” A quarter-century after the first “Die Hard” became an instant action movie classic, we get this preposterous cartoon with John McClane trying to bond with his resentful son, who broods that dad was never around. In 2007’s “Live Free or Die Hard,” McClane was dealing with an estranged daughter who resented him for never being around.
Hey. Kids. He was saving the world more often than Iron Man while you were growing up. Give him a break.
9. “Grown-Ups 2.” How can so many funny people make such a relentlessly unfunny movie? “Grown-Ups 2″ features a deer urinating on a man; a deer urinating on a boy; grown men sneezing, burping and farting; numerous incidents of projectile vomiting, and multiple assaults on multiple male crotches.
Adam Sandler, why do you hate us?
8. “Girl Most Likely.” I love Kristen Wiig, but she’s buried in a forgettable movie with a forgettable title and forgettable characters I’d really like to forget. We really didn’t need another film about a neurotic woman who falls into a near-catatonic state because her idiot boyfriend dumps her. Making matters worse, Wiig’s character is an obnoxious little girl in flashbacks and kind of unsympathetic as a grown-up, as well.
7. “Now You See Me.” A slick, empty con job from start to finish. Now You See Me, and Now You Wish You Hadn’t.
6. “Safe Haven.” Another one of those Nicholas Sparks movies with a star-crossed, sun-dappled couple embracing on the beach while possible DEATH AND DOOM lurk around the corner. And the big twist at the end leaves us with the conclusion Julianne Hough’s character is nuts. Not adorably wacky — certifiably insane.
5. “G.I. Joe: Retaliation.” To say this is a video game of a movie is an insult to the countless video games that have better special effects, more realistic action and superior plot elements. This is one big dopey mess, with some of the worst dialogue of the year.
4. “Evil Dead.” Just when I thought torture porn was dead, we get this sadistic, creepy gore-fest that celebrates the brutal, bloody deaths of some of the dumbest people ever to appear in a horror film. Were we supposed to laugh at the cringe-inducing, irredeemable violence? Look away in horror? Leave the theater to warn our friends never to see “Evil Dead”?
I voted for option three.
3. “The Lone Ranger.” The great Johnny Depp gives maybe the first truly awful performance of his career. How did anyone, including Depp, think it was a good idea for him to play Tonto as a doddering old fool and, in flashbacks, a doddering young fool? For that matter, why did anyone believe there would be mass interest in a giant-budget movie about a character long forgotten by most of today’s moviegoers?
2. “Movie 43.” One of the most painful moviegoing experiences of my life. An amazingly talented cast stars in a series of loosely connected scenes that range from what-the-hell to kill-me-now. In the worst segment of all, Halle Berry makes guacamole by mashing avocados with her giant fake boobs, and then she inserts a turkey baster filled with extra-hot sauce into her — well. As I said when it was released, “Movie 43″ is the Citizen Kane of awful.
1. “White House Down.” At least “Movie 43″ kinda knows it’s awful. The worst movie of the year is “White House Down,” which is even more offensive because of its pandering, condescending, mercilessly cynical attitude. Director Roland Emmerich places a child character in constant jeopardy, rips off far better movies and assaults our intelligence with jingoistic manipulation and unbelievably cheesy one-liners. The ending is so shamelessly hokey I actually groaned out loud, and I haven’t done that at the movies since some hulking lug stepped on my foot while toting his R2D2-sized bucket of popcorn back to his seat.