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Saturday, April 19, 2014
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Author Archive: C.W. Plunkett

It’s been a hoot, but this is goodbye …

Yes, it’s time for me to say goodbye, as this will be my last column. I’ve had a great time and I really hope that I brought a lot of smiles to you with my ramblings of conspiracy theories, killer robots and squirrel-on-a-stick. Thanks so much for all the wonderful emails over the years. Before […]

Hey! I’ve got a great idea!

Do any of you have a good idea for a new invention? I just saw a commercial on TV asking people to call them and tell them all about your idea for a brand new innovation. Personally, I would be a little leery of explaining my idea over the phone to a complete stranger. In […]

Twerking (and other things that cause charley horses)

I am not a good dancer. I’m what certain experts like to refer to as “a bad dancer.” Have you ever gone fishing and tried to stick a wiggly, little worm on a hook? Yes? Ok, now imagine that the worm is 6-foot-2, is having a seizure, dressed in a polyester leisure suit and is […]

October 02, 2013 | Posted in Local lifestyle columnists | Tagged , | 3 Replies

Daily Republic history … (with ads!)

I am but a humble newspaper columnist. Money have I none. So in order to make ends meet I’ve invented a new product. It’s an energy drink that combines the deliciously inebriating effect of alcohol with the body-building nutrients of steroids. I call my new ground-breaking product, ALCO-ROIDS. In order to further promote this great, […]

September 25, 2013 | Posted in Local lifestyle columnists | Tagged , | 3 Replies

On this day in gunslinger history …

Leaches McWhistleman. You’ve all heard the legendary stories about how he was the fastest gun in the West. You’ve all secretly wondered if this fabled western gunslinger was actually a real person or was he mere folklore. Was he simply an American tall tale, apocryphally immortalized in numerous stories in order to give cattle hands […]

Here’s a quiz about tests

It’s September and all of the little children are back in school again. They come home crying because of all the homework they have to do and the quiz on Wednesday and the test on Friday. All of the parents and other adults wink and nod at each other, and we share a collective grin. […]

My life in the express line

So it’s Sunday and I realized that I haven’t written my column yet. No time like the present. Deadlines, you know? The fact that I’m in a supermarket, waiting in a 10-items-or-less express line shouldn’t stop me. There are six people in front of me, so I think I have time. Sure, the frantic clicking of […]

September 04, 2013 | Posted in Local lifestyle columnists | Tagged , | 7 Replies

Are you old, or are you a wizard?

I’m going to be honest here: I’m not a people person. Generally, most people get on my nerves. But saying that, I honestly do love old people. And by “old,” I really mean anyone over 90. I suppose some people would consider being over 60 or 70 to be old. Having just celebrated the 12th […]

Confessions of a Hanna-Barbera character

“Hi there. Please come on inside and have a seat on the couch. You can even lie down if you’d like. That’s it. Comfy? Now, my name is Dr. Yu Arsyko, and you are . . . ?” “Oh, uh, my name is Atom Ant.” “Very nice to meet you, Mr. Ant.” “Please, call me Atom.” […]

What’s keeping you up late at night?

Why are we having a problem sleeping? Insomnia is a pain in the neck. A lot of you know what I’m talking about. Lack of sleep can cause serious health problems and over the past decade, there’s been a huge increase of this curse. But what causes insomnia? Lucky for you, I have a few […]

A love story (with bad analogies, pt. 2)

The love between John and Marsha was a special kind of love, in the same way that some things are special, while other things are not so special. With the exception of everything on his very long list of reasons as to why he despised her, John loved everything about Marsha. She had eyes that […]

Try these tongue twisters on for size

Peter Piper picked a peck of peppers. We all know the rest: and the peppers that Peter Piper picked were pickled. It’s probably the most famous tongue-twister in history, mostly because it’s fun and easy to remember. But as far as tongue twisters go, it isn’t very difficult, is it? It’s like “rubber baby buggy bumpers” […]

More help while writing your novel

In last week’s column about how to write a novel, we discussed different types of fiction and the element of fiction. This week we will finish it up with types of conflict, types of plot and character development. To have a successful novel, you must create some sort of conflict. Character vs. character: Or protagonist […]

A free e-book for my readers!

A free e-book? Seriously? Yes, seriously! More on that in a moment. I get a lot of emails asking me how to become a writer. The best advice I can give is that if you feel that your calling in life is to be a writer, then start writing and don’t stop. Write! Write! Write! […]

Are you getting rich, or getting scammed?

Have you ever been offered a boatload of money in a random email and wondered, “I wonder if this is a scam?” Wonder no more! Over the past few years I’ve been sent a few odd emails offering financial windfalls. Some are scams, while some are bona fide. Let’s look at a few of them and […]

A new fad diet for the mass(es)

Man it’s hot! And with the hot weather, many of you are trying to lose weight fast so you can fit into that two-piece bathing suit again. Personally, I haven’t worn mine since last September. But how do you lose weight fast? Good question. For starters, you could have a baby. Granted, this is always […]

Let’s give ‘em something to talk about

A friend recently challenged me to write an entire column using only song lyrics. Challenge accepted! The following is a story of unrequited love. It was the third of June, another sleepy, dusty delta day. It’s been a hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog. I like the nightlife baby. All right dig […]

Summer camps for every occasion

Now that most schools are out and the kids are home, some parents can’t wait until school starts up again. But that won’t happen until September. That’s a long wait. What to do? What to do? Might I offer you a suggestion? To give your sanity a brief respite during the next couple of months, […]

Country music, rap music and dogs

I recently got an email from a person named Steve-O, asking, “Hey CW, what kind of music do you like? What do you think of rap music? Why do pigeon droppings taste so good?” It seems Steve-O has a lot on his mind, but I’ll field these questions one at a time. Music preference is […]

A different kind of June swoon

Well here it is June again, and you know what that means? That’s right, it means a lot of people will be getting married this month. Maybe some of you will be attending a wedding during one of June’s weekends. Maybe some of you will even be getting married. I’m not sure why June is […]

Here’s a little bit more about me

I celebrated the 12th anniversary Monday of my 39th birthday. I received a lot of cards, letters, proposals, tweets, telegrams and emails. No cash, though. I also had a couple of buddies take me to Rancho Solano for a round of golf (and a beer or two). But with all the warm wishes I received, it still […]

Speaking on behalf of the animals

I have a 12-year-old West Highland terrier named Molly and a 3-year old Cairn terrier named Patty. I’m pretty sure they’re the most spoiled dogs in the neighborhood. I also have an 8-year-old black cat named Jack, who seems to think that he owns my garage. My animals are treated as if they are one […]

Try not to be that person at work

We covered a few tips last week for getting back in the workplace. However, suppose you already have a job. With the bad economy, advances in technology and the desire to increase the bottom line (making stockholders happy), jobs are being cut all the time. If you’re in a union and your company is laying […]

May 15, 2013 | Posted in Local lifestyle columnists | Tagged , | 1 Reply

So you want to get a job, huh?

The good news is that the jobless rate just lowered to 7.5 percent. The bad news is that if they were using the same metrics as they did 15 years ago, the jobless rate would be more than 13 percent. The sad fact is that there are more people out of work now than ever. […]

May 08, 2013 | Posted in Local lifestyle columnists | Tagged , | 1 Reply

Seriously, what are you afraid of?

The recent bombing at the Boston Marathon reopened the eyes of most Americans to the fear that terrorism can strike anywhere. Fear is real. Fear affects people in different ways. Some people are afraid of spiders. Deathly afraid of spiders. Screaming-out-loud, hyperventilating, running-out-of-the-room-to-go-get-a-flamethrower afraid of spiders. It’s real. So what are you afraid of? Sinkholes? […]

A deliciously refreshing ode to beer

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” — Benjamin Franklin About six months ago a guy named Frank (I’m assuming it’s a guy) from Birds Landing sent me an email asking, “Hey CW, do you like beer?” I promptly answered him (her?) back, saying, “Yes, Frank, indeed I do.” […]

A winning hand in rock-paper-scissors

Everyone’s played rock-paper-scissors at least once in their life (according to the June 2009 issue of Nerds & Losers Magazine). But did you win? Did you have a strategy going into the match? Probably not. Most people don’t. But why not? You want to win, don’t you? Most people don’t want to be a loser […]

People you can’t escape on Facebook

How many of you have a Facebook account? What is Facebook, you ask? Well, it’s a social networking site on the Internet. What is the Internet, you ask? Well, it’s a communications network that connects smaller networks worldwide on your computer. What is a computer you ask? Hmm, we’re getting a little off track here, […]

‘News of the Weird’ just plain weird

Once a week or so the Daily Republic posts a little feature on this page called “News of the Weird.” During the first quarter of this year we’ve seen a lot of crazy things going on across the globe. I honestly think we could devote the next 10 pages to the insane goings-on in Washington […]

Excerpts from my new screenplay

After watching the Academy Awards, it occurred to me what every famous movie has: Famous movie quotes! That’s right, every famous movie has lines in it that when people hear them, they know exactly what movie it came from. Why? Because they’re famous movie quotes. That’s why. So I decided that I would write a […]

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